Tears no more

We all have different battles. Our battle might differ from one another but the absolute truth is that God won't allow it if we can't handle it. I've seen this quote,

This is indeed a fact and when we are hurt, we tend to hurt others as well. The people around us who only want what's best for us becomes the receiver of our pain or we put on a mask. A mask which shows everyone that were okay and we're happy even when we're not.

We have the tendency to conceal the pain and we develop coping mechanisms which we thought were okay but in reality it's not. One of the unique human characteristics is its ability to adapt and to feel emotions.

Sometimes, were like balloon. We will expand as long as we can but when the air pressure is too much, we tend to explode. Everything comes out. Unresolved offenses, hurt feelings, guilt, anger and even to the point that were so consumed by our emotions that we can no longer think of the words we say and actions we commit.

Then we will regret those acts and feel guilty and repeat the same cycle. As long as we choose not to talk about it, we think that it's okay or it's the solution when in reality it's not. Emotions are gifts and we are entitled to feel what we want to feel. No one can ever invalidate our feelings.

We also have different ways on how we deal with the pain that we feel.

As for me, use music. I enjoy calm, mellow and serene type of music. Honestly, I appreciate listening to old songs than today's songs. It's as though the emotions and meanings are there. Music is one of the things that give me comfort especially those songs which are way too calming to listen to. I appreciate Korean songs even though I don't understand it because the melody and tune of the songs are soothing me.

I use music to convey what I feel because there are times that even I don't understand myself at all. I don't know what to feel anymore or how to cope with the things that happens around me.

I also write it out. Most of my posts here on read cash are based on my emotions. As long as I feel it, I write about it. I'm introvert and lately, I noticed that I'm talking way too much so I finally decided to keep silent and have my thoughts gathered in my mind. I don't know where to start or how it started but all I know is that I don't want to speak because I feel like breaking down any moment now.

I stopped talking too much at work. I only speak when asked and when I needed to ask a question which is work related. I have a workmate whom I confide since most of the times we feel the same way. But only to her. I also have these thoughts that every compliment I receive is not true or reliable. They just tell me those things to make me feel happy and better but it's not true about me.

I don't believe that they care about me so I just do my job and that's all. I make sure that I meet the standard and requirements so I can keep my job. I've been feeling down lately but I can't give up just yet at the moment because if I do so, then what will happen to me in the future?

Have you experienced the feeling of wanting to cry but you cannot do so?

It's when you feel way too heavy and yet your eyes won't shed a tear and you don't actually know the reason why. Your heart is aching and it's about it burst but your tear duct won't cooperate with you.

I've been feeling mixed emotions and I wanted to cry but no tears would come out of my eyes. I wanted to embrace my mom and tell her how stressed I am or how tired I feel but I don't want to add up to her burdens.

I feel sorry for my mom for carrying the burden of our family. There's always a commotion in our house. There won't be a day without someone shouting and fighting against each other. The house chores are done by mom only. She also has to work and be with my brother because he is sick and in need of going back and forth to the hospital. He became even more hot headed maybe because of his pain. He always talk back to my father and we always fight with each other.

When it's raining hard, it also rains inside our house. Our roof is leaking, our floors are cracking and everything else is way too messed up. There were rats everywhere and out water tube has a leak so we have to open and close the water meter on a daily basis.

But what makes me sad the most is the feeling of hopelessness. I really wanted to go back in teaching but it's as though it's not my time yet and I really wanted to cry about it, but no tears will come out.

I just wanted to leave and never look back but I can't do that to my family. I have a responsibility to them. I'm not in a relationship or something so it's not being heartbroken due to a breakup but it's more of self disappointment.

I'm really disappointed with myself. I feel so down and so sad but it's ironic as to how I can still speak and act fine with my family.

Last Sunday, even though it's raining hard, I didn't care. I went out with my sister because I want to get away. I want to ease my mind. We were both wet and we took the time to go to our siblings house. Then we went home walking but the situation is the same. Nothing changed and I've been constantly saying that I'll leave our house. It's no longer a home at the moment and I hate myself for thinking and feeling that way.

To anyone who has the same experience, I just want to tell you that you're never alone. This is just a season in our life which will definitely give us the learnings we can never learn without going through this trial.

Keep up the faith.

Never lose hope.

God is with us.

Love_16

July 28, 2021

Wednesday