Out of the box

Have you ever felt like no one cares?

Have you ever experienced being lost because everything doesn't go your way?

Have you ever felt so unhappy for not being your usual self?

Have you ever wondered as to why you do the exact opposite of the things you think you should be doing?

Well, I've experienced those things. For someone like me who is an introvert type of person who has trust issues it's very common for me to ask those questions to myself. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone by trying to mingle with others but most of the times I feel suffocated surrounded by many people. I don't like being stared or looked at. I don't know how to make friends or to just simply put it, I enjoy being alone. It's peaceful, serene and heartwarming for me but just like how a pupa has to open in due time to reach its final form as a butterfly 🦋, I had to go through that process as well.

I only have a few friends which I can count on my fingers. When I was in elementary, I had a best friend whom I still talk about from time to time since we're still in contact but other than that just a few former classmates. When I was in highschool I don't have someone I can call my friend. If you have read my previous articles you will know what I am talking about. When I entered college I had a group of friends. It is composed of two men and four women whom I am yet to meet when our schedules are no longer in conflict. In my first job I had three female and one male co-workers whom I had been friends as well.

Then my life revolves in the church, work and family. I don't have that kind of social life which I often see with my friends since they have a lot of friends to go with. Oftentimes, I travel with my family or my churchmates. When I need to go to mall, I am accompanied by my siblings or my very few friends since I am single as well.

They say that I have a good communication skills but I don't know how to use it to make more friends. I have this tendency to just sit on a corner, focus on my phone and just listen to my surroundings. It was helpful because I'm able to evaluate the people around me but it's also somehow bothersome because I get to hear words which I shouldn't have. I'm sensitive to noise so I'm easily distracted especially when I write articles or journal my daily devotions.

I've had this one time when the room was a silent and the only thing you'll ever hear are the fan. One of my former students called out for his classmate to ask for the answer to their exam. He was on the other end of the room while I was at the back part of the room. I heard him and asked the whole class who was it, which made his classmates snap their heads towards me as if making sure that I'm talking to them since they didn't hear it. Thankfully he was honest enough to raise up his hand and admit that it was him.

I often quarrel with my father as well. I always ask him to minimize the volume of his speakers but he says that it's volume was almost close to turning off his device but I perfectly hear every single melody it makes.

This is the reason why I write at night or in mid day when people are having their siesta. It's a form of relief for me when my surrounding is silent. Since we live in squatters area, it's very seldom for our neighborhood to be quiet because even at night there are still people outside which include the kids.

Just recently, my brother asked our neighbor to tone down the volume of their stereos because he was having an online class and I heard them saying that if we don't want to be disturbed by noise then we should move out of the squatters area. Well they have a point but it's also a good thing to think of your neighbors as well. Actually they were my topic when I wrote an article entitled 'Dealing with annoying neighbor'.

It's also what reminds me to keep going and to move out of this place. My parents are not getting any younger. My father is 62 years old while my mother is 54. I want them to experience a life of luxury because they deserve every single good thing that the world has to offer.

Have you ever felt like no one cares?

I'm filled with the love of my family but I can't share everything with them. They were with me through my ups and downs but I just don't get myself to open up and tell them every single thing that bothers me. It's the reason why I burst out whenever my emotions are bottled up inside. I'm still on the process of sharing what I'm going through.

I have a strong support group at the church. We have women's life group every Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. but since it's online, I can't share that much since my family can perfectly hear every single word I say. There's no such thing as privacy if you live in a place like this. The people here are gossipers and they somehow feel as though we're rich so they want to pull us down. Talk about crab mentality.

I talk to my friends online from time to time. It's a way of telling each of us that we are doing good and our relationship as friends are never determined by the pandemic nor other excuses that we can come up with.

Have you ever experienced being lost because everything doesn't go your way?

I've experienced which I consider the first major failure I had last year. I cried so much. I wasn't able to eat on time. I lose my sleep. I was too stressed out and I even came to a point when I was blaming myself for not doing good enough.

As for my family, they never told me to do something I don't want to but still not because they told me not to worry about being unemployed doest mean that I cant think about it anymore. I felt so ashamed of myself for not even contributing to our bills and other needs. Even my sanitary pads was provided by my mother.

I've looked for job opportunities but it's difficult for me to get hired. I'm just glad because 2020 has already ended and I'm now in 2021 with a new journey head on.

Have you ever felt so unhappy for not being your usual self?

I've experienced this multiple times. It's as if I'm not in the mood to do anything. I just wanted to lie down and curl up in bed. I also hate the fact that I make the people around me uncomfortable because they say that I'm intimidating which makes me bossy in their eyes. I'm introvert but I'm not easily bullied. I make sure that they can't use it as my weakness to bully me.

When I was in college, one of my classmates told me that I looked a lot like I can be easily bullied but by just the look in my eye she was able to tell that I'm not that type of person. So she decided to make friends with me.

Have you ever wondered as to why you do the exact opposite of the things you think you should be doing?

I wondered about this before but now it's clear to me that my mood affects a lot of people. When I'm irritated no one can talk to me. When I just want to keep silent I don't really talk. But I've learned how to handle myself especially in how to be professional in my job.

It's easy to say that a person can just simply move out of the box but it's not as easy as it looks like. I love the peace and serenity that silence brings which I'm starting to work on.

I can get to the better version of myself as long as I keep trying and I allow God to move in me. It takes time but it's surely possible. It can happen in God's appointed time. I just needed to keep the eagerness and passion within me.

Love_16

January 14, 2021

Thursday