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This might have been the last article I'll write for now. I'll start with my new job tomorrow and I'll have to deal with my pending personal arrangements as well.
As funny as it is I would.liek to share with you my experience today.
Today is Sunday and I went to church for the Sunday service. I was busy with my ministry in multimedia editing the line up for the praise and worship and the preaching outline.
It was feeling well, waking up early in the morning, ate my breakfast, prepared to go to church and did my Sunday routine.
I didn't know what exactly happened but I just remember talking to my churchmate about my upcoming job up until I just burst out crying in front of her. I was glad that my space was located at the back part of the church and I have a handkerchief with me.
I told her everything that overwhelmed me and I told her my story about my brother. I'm not trying to make him look bad but I just repeated the same exact words I've told my friend last Friday.
Last Friday I submitted my requirements but it turns out that my department head is absent because she is sick. I was there as early as 10:00 a.m. and waited for her until 1:30 only to find out that she'll be absent for the day. My friend and I had a good time to talk about my struggles. She was reading my articles so she knew what happened and I just needed to elaborate it a little.
I was embarrassed because I know that when was busy only to find out that she reads it. I even asked her how was she able to know about it because I didn't tell her anything. It was the second time I told someone about what I feel in person. The first time was when I went to my sister's house for a visit.
After my argument with my brother last Sunday, I thought that I was okay since I've cried about it already but was wrong. As I was about to sleeping last Tuesday, I cried about it again. Then I just suddenly stopped crying as if nothing happened. I was praying and I thought that I was okay. Turns out I wasn't.
Then earlier today when I told the same story I cried but this time, I cried with voice. It was the first time I was able to cry with an audience and with voice si veo I'm sued to crying in secret. She just listened to me and she was rubbing my back for comfort.
I was having hiccups in the middle of my narration of what happened.
You see when I though that I was okay, it's when my emotions came out. It's not about me trying to control it but it was my body's form of coping with pain. My heart is in pain so my eyes cried out for me. I was vulnerable and I was feeling embarrassed but I came to the point when I can't contain it anymore and I needed that chance to cry it out.
My emotions are all over the place. I'm excited and nervous with my new job because it was all new to me. Even if there are trainings, I'm afraid to mess up.
I have an unfinished pending application for my dream and nothing goes my way. I'm torn between my new job and my dream.
I need to find time this week to submit my requirements. I don't want to fail for the second time. I don't want to mess up and experience the same thing. It's physically, emotionally and financially draining. I needed to make time for what's important.
I need to be practical and I badly needed a good paying job because he's about to enter college.
Then I realized that I haven't ever done any decision for myself. I was asking what I really wanted to do since it turns out that everything I did was for others.
When I don't have a job, I wanted to have a job. Now that I have a job, my anxiety is eating me. I'm pressured about what I should do.
Then I needed to pause for a while and surrender it all to God.
When nothing comes my way, it's not because I'm rejected. It's actually because I'm redirected.
If I quit now, then I'll have nothing else to do. The moment I quit it the moment I lost it.
If I don't motivate myself then who will? It's my mindset that needs to be fixed.
It was the 40th birthday of our pastor's wife and I stayed to celebrate with them. I ate, laughed and enjoyed this day.
You see, it's not just about tears, it's also about laughter and enjoyment.
There's a rainbow always after the rain, yes there is. I found mine today.
If you're also feeling down and tired I'd to give you this verse.
Matthew 11:28-30 New International Version
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
There is rest in God. What we can't have on earth can only be found in God. I might still cry for othe things but the good thing is that He listens to me and He knows my pain. He comforts me using the people around me. God is a good, good father who is always after my welfare.
Tomorrow is another day and today will be considered past the moment I wake up.
If ever I have the chance again, I'll surely write about how I was able to overcome those words that cut deep into my heart. It takes time to heal but the healer is already proven and tested to heal not just any physical pain but most importantly the wounds which cannot be seen. Wounds that are etched in the heart.
Please know that I'm not angry with him. I was hurt and still hurting but I'll definitely feel better soon. I'm not rushing myself since getting hurt is normal. I'll get there.
I hope to see you reading my articles when I already have the time to write again. God bless you and thank you for taking time to read this.