Nothing in particular

I had an argument with my younger siblings. They said that I was too demanding, I was too bossy and I want things to be done the moment I speak about it. I have a limited time for breaks and lunch so I really want things to be done on time. But he thing is I'm starting to be toxic to them. I bring them unpleasant feelings and emotions.

On my side, if studying is difficult, working is more difficult. If studying is exhausting, then working is twice as much. If doing simple housechores are way too tiring and difficult for them then how much more is to earn money. I was questioning myself if I was too much for asking favor from my younger siblings.

I know that I don't give that much to my mom but it's still from my hardwork and dedication in my job. Earlier today, we had a discussion about who's going to pay for the internet bill and everyone wants me to.do the honor since I am the one who uses it for my job. I was upset because not because I'm working I'll be the only one who will pay for it.

Someone from my family asks 5, 000 so he can buy a wristwatch on his birthday and I was too shocked to even respond properly. I mean, really? You're asking me for that? I also have medical needs. I need money for my braces. Then I asked myself if I am being too selfish. Wristwatch is a want. You can live with or without it. It's not that important to begin with.

Now, I'll be the one to pay for our internet bill and I also need to save up money for our water tube because if I didn't then who will? They kept telling me to take charge of those things because I'm the one with a good paying job and I also want to do it but can I take a pause? Is it okay if I do things one at a time?

I know how burdensome I've been the past 10 months that I was unemployed and I really want to make up for it. I was never secretive of my salary. I was too transparent that now I regret it. I should've just kept my mouth shut and not talk about it at all. If I stayed silent like I always did then things would've been a lot better than it already is. If only I kept my thoughts to myself then things would've turned out differently.

I don't really share that much but when I do, I overshare. Maybe because I don't get to speak more often and I can feel it whenever someone is not interested with what I'm saying. I want to tell my story but no one is interested to listen. I also want to not just write everything and speak about it as well but no one is there to do so. I know that I'm like a broken record who kept on writing about it but please bear with me.

This is the only way I can release my thoughts and emotions. I'm sorry if you find my articles annoying but it's the only way I can somehow be at ease knowing that I've written about it and at least I'm anonymous here and I won't be judged.

I'm also happy to at least treat my family with meals from time to time even if it's just milk tea, pizza, zagu, ice cream or even a dish. I'm happy because I get to make up for my lack last year. I just have the thought afterwards that my money is already used but it's okay. At least I get to see them happy and that's what matters to me.

I don't why it has to be me but I guess it's one of the ways to help me mature and be even better at what I do. My churchmates also ask for an update about myself since I don't talk to them that much. I don't also find time to at least watch a movie, kdrama or just simply relax. I deprive myself of enjoyment and I don't know the reason why.

When things are way too difficult for me in my job I always think about resigning but now, I think about ways on how I can last in my work. I don't have other job options to choose from. My job is convenient for the pandemic. I'm on a work from home set up. I don't jeopardize my health as well as the health of my family. I don't need to pay for my transportation and food. I don't need to wake up way too early just to get stuck in a traffic. I just need a stable internet connection so I'll be able to perform well in my job.

It's been two months since I started working and I had a sudden change if heart and change of mind. I feel so happy at the same time sad. I'm happy because I've survived for two months and sad because I feel too dependent to my trainer. I can't do my job without her supervision. I'm afraid to commit mistakes and I'm disheartened whenever I see my performance. I'm at the bottom list and all I see are red marked all over it.

I always tell myself that I need to do better next time, because if I don't, then there's no reason for the company to keep an incompetent employee like me. I'm way too pressured that I keep messing up. Every single mistake I commit are all etched into my heart and mind. I have no one else to blame except for myself since I'm the one who commits the mistake.

I was often adviced to make those mistakes as my motivation to keep doing better but I just don't really know how to handle it. What's more upsetting is the fact that I know that the problem is me. I can't always have someone to be with me to guide me and that's what scares me more.

How are you?

I was asked this a few times today. And I wasn't able to answer the question. It seemed as though that question was a lot difficult to answer than it seems. I don't know the right words to say as to how am I doing. Then I started to recall what I've been doing the past few days and I didn't do anything in particular. This question is a lot difficult to answer at that moment.

I can't say that I'm fine or that I'm not fine because I don't really know the answer for it. Now that I think and write about it, I can't help but wonder how things would've been or should've been. I don't know if I'm okay or not. Maybe it's because of my hormones. I just finished my monthly period.

Are you happy?

Is there in between on being happy and sad because I don't feel happy and I don't feel sad. I just felt as though I have nothing to be sad or happy about. I stared at my pastor earlier when she asked me if I'm happy. I have to assess what I feel in order for me to provide an honest answer. I'm happy because I get to help my family but at the same time I feel sad because it's as though all I ever said or done are all mistakes.

I also realized that I don't need to be happy in what I do in order for me to perform well and last in this industry. I need this job for my family. I need this job for myself and there's no better option than this one. I need to be practical for my sake.

None of my expectations are met. Even I feel so disappointed with myself. I don't know what else can I do. I was planning to save up but I don't have a single penny to save. I want to go to the beach. I want a day with no worries or problems. I want to experience peace and feel at ease.

When I was younger, I thought that I have it all figured out but guess what, not because I'm 23, I already know the right decisions to make. I'm back to zero.

If ever you're reading this, I just want to give you a tight virtual hug. Because if I need it, maybe... Just maybe you need it more.

And...

Please...

Be...

Kind...

To...

Yourself...

Love you! 😘💞

Love_16

March 28, 2021

Sunday