Mental health matters

Everything that I'm about to share with you in this article are purely based on my own experiences as well as my own perception about my own mental health. I hope to see your deep understanding about this and if this bothers you, please be reminded that I have given you a heads-up even before you continue reading this.

I often cry silently. I cry by myself and I don't tell my feelings and emotions to others. I keep everything to myself because I don't know whom to share it with and I don't think they will understand me.

I feel tired and exhausted everything around me seems to be too heavy. Whenever I think about my parents I feel like crying because I see them getting older. My mom can't sleep as much as she does when she was younger and she has to do the house chores even after she got home from work. She is a street sweeper so her job is way too exhausting more than mine. I can't do the laundry because I get sick after. My younger siblings always feel as though they are always tired from studying and they get mad whenever their mistakes are pointed out. When I ask them to help in house chores they'll ask me as to why it always has to be them.

My father is sick. I don't know what to do about him anymore. My siblings are always quarreling with him since my father is also hardheaded. He doesn't follow the instructions so he'll be fine again. He's too stressed and he wants to get away from everything.

I want to help my mom with the housechores but I'm way too tired after my 10-hour job. It's tiring to work. I don't get the process. I don't know what to do anymore but I can't give up my job because I have been unemployed for 10 months and I feel so ashamed to quit now since I'm on a work from home set up and I have a huge salary. I have so many physical diseases which I didn't know existed before I started working. My job covers my medical expenses except for my medicine. Besides, if I quit, what will happen to me? I don't want my 2020 journey to be repeated.

I don't enjoy my rest days because it's either I'm at the hospital or I'm at the church to do my ministry. I can't even watch kdrama anymore. It's as if I am being consumed by my circumstances. I don't know but there are times when I will just want to cry and I will cry without anyone knowing.

If others will hear this they will just tell me not to be stressed out and to just be happy since everything I needed has been provided for me, but I'm way too tired to hear those words. To be honest, I want to get away from home, from people and from everything. I just want to go somewhere where no one knows me and just enjoy myself.

Even before I start working, I start telling myself that this day shall pass without me even noticing it. It's ironic as to how I always look at the time and count the remaining hours of my shift. After my shift, I use my phone to at least distract myself from my own thoughts.

It's exhausting. You know what I learned from this? My mental health is important. It matters as much as my physical body and my soul does.

It's okay to cry when I feel like crying. I don't need to explain why I feel what I feel. I don't need to keep everything in by trying to act okay and well.

My emotions are important. It's a part of me which makes me myself. I can't just simply set it aside because my feelings matter.

When I feel exhausted which is actually most of the times, I need to take a rest. It's okay to pause and gather myself. It's okay to slow down and rest from time to time.

Bible reading, journal writing and praying are all effective in helping me out but I also need someone to listen to me. I don't think someone is interested enough to listen to what I'm about to say.

I have my churchmates, friends and my family as my strong support system but they also somehow doesn't feel like it. I don't have someone to tell what's in my mind without being judged or without being troubled thinking that I'll be an additional burden to them since all of us has our own battles in life.

Yes, you maybe right, I must be overthinking but it's what's on my mind lately. I'm exhausted with what's happening around me. I just want to enjoy peace and solitude in being by myself and writing this down.

It's okay not to talk about it but nothing gets resolved by keeping silent. I release my feelings and emotions through writing. I just needed to take some time for myself.

It's important to prioritize myself as well. I don't remember any significant thing I did for myself.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy with my life and with the people around me but I somehow came to a point where everything is exhausting.

I love how my mom smiles when I know that I can help financially. I always wonder as to how my mom stays strong even after being exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.

I also tried telling my story but I know when someone is not interested enough to listen to me. I tried speaking but no one is there to listen and understand.

I love how my mom knows me way too much that she knows what I think and feel even without me saying anything. My mom is always tired but she never say it.

This kind of exhaustion isn't just about sleeping and resting then feeling okay again. This is a battle in the mind. It's important to become optimistic in everything but it's also important to acknowledge your hurt feelings and your body that needs to rest.

Today, I decided not to engage in my social media accounts and just be online to post this. I was actually crying while writing this but yeah I feel better now that I've written this. I don't intend to share negativity. As much as possible I want to post something positive but I just thought that this is important so I decided to write this down.

I'm okay. I'll be fine. I just need to keep holding on and trust God. It's God who knows what He wants and His perfect plan for me. It's God who holds my life. Everything will be in its proper place in God's perfect appointed time.

Love_16

February 27, 2021

Saturday