Have you ever been in a crowd and felt as if you don't fit in?
No matter how much you try to keep up with them or blend in, you just can't. You are always the outcast or the least favorite.
I remembered going to my high school class reunion way back 2018. We had a despidida party for our former classmate who was about to migrate in Canada together with her whole family. Everyone was happily chatting with each other while I felt like I don't belong. I wasn't the nicest kid you'll ever know. I'm one of the students who is always hated for not being nice. Ive had a fare share of quarrel with my classmates whether it's a boy or a girl. When you ask them about me, they'll tell you the same thing over and over again.
Then there came the total opposite of me. She might be the kindest person you'll ever know. She's beautiful, smart and she's nice to everyone. "Oh we can start eating she's already here." Then she looked back at me and said, "Oh I'm so sorry I didn't mean anything about what I just said." They were my former friends. We were so close up until they decided that they don't want to be friends with me anymore. I just smiled and her and act as if it doesn't bother me. When in fact it does. It hurts to not be the one their looking forward to see. After years of being separated from each other.
It's actually the reason why I never wanted to attend reunions. It's not as if their looking forward to see me. I'm irrelevant to them and I can never blame them because I have the nastiest attitude way back when I was a high school student.
Then I entered college. I'm still the same me. I thought that I can have a sort of reset since my high school days weren't the best but I was wrong. I was a first year college student and it was the end of first semester. We decided to have an open forum and I was shocked to know that I was hated by most of them. They told me that I was too bossy, I was never nice or that I'm ill tempered. I wasn't able to say anything because every single one of them hates me. I was too shocked to react from what they say about me.
Then I had a set of friends in college who stayed by my side. We were 6 in total. 4 girls and 2 boys. They were the one who was always with me and never made me feel unloved or unwanted. We were always together in everything we do. But when we graduated in college, we didn't have the chance to see each other. With this ongoing pandemic and busy careers we stayed apart but we still check each other through chat from time to time.
Then I worked for two years. This time I know that I won't get hated because I'm busy with my job, but I was wrong. December 2019 was my last year of the two year contract. Two of my former workmates was so mad at me for something they are not involved. I don't have the time to chat with them for long because they are both from different departments. I admit that I did immature things since it's my first work experience, but I don't think that it's enough reason for them to hate.
I wasn't talking to them and I was too busy to deal with my job. I already have a lot of things in mind, and I don't have time for other things, but they still somehow found a way to scrutinize me.
It's one of the reasons why I decided to leave that toxic workplace. There is also poor management. Late paid wages, high expectations and demanding boss. I was exhausting and unhealthy. My hyperacidity has gotten worse. The stress is too much.
Now, this is what I learned from those experiences of mine.
I can never fit in a crowd where I don't fit in.
~ I don't need to make an excuse and defend myself because I know that I'm also at fault, but don't have to force myself to a situation or to people who are never happy about me.
Self-improvement is always possible.
~ I never used the excuse that 'this is me, deal with it'. There's always a chance to improve and get better. Now that I'm having a journey about my new career I'll make sure to make the most out of it.
Never get too attached.
~ Attachment somehow gives me a sense of wanting to stay despite all the unwholesome things I've experienced but I had to leave because it's too unhealthy. Attachment can be both good or bad.
I can never force myself to those people who doesn't like me.
~ No matter how much I wanted to be friends with someone, there's no point in being a pushover. I can never force them to like and love me.
It's better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who dislike me.
~ There's nothing wrong with being alone. It's also a sort of peace and comfort.
December 17, 2020
Hugs! It has been said a lot of times by most of us that we can't really please everybody. I also did felt like I didn't belong when I was in first year of college. My blockmates have their own groupings and I felt none of them would want to befriend me. It was during my third term when I have been friends with some of my blockmates. I was actually happy that we were deblocked by second year. So I joined my bestfriend's block and her blockmates welcomed me and the rest was history. I love open forums as I get to know what the people don't like about me and vice versa. It is a way for me to change about who I am and be sensitive about others.