A date with God

Have you ever wondered how it feels like to date God? Not in a literal sense that you'll meet Him face to face or that you'll meet Him in a fancy restaurant. It the moment just between you and God.

Before I started working I do my devotionals daily but since I have a conflict of schedule, I was oftentimes wasn't able to write it down on my notebook.

Whenever I make my devotionals, my surroundings must be silent and I often turn off my phone so I won't be disturbed. I don't see God but I feel His presence surrounding me.

I have different types of pens with different colors as well as highlighters, markers and my notebook. It's like a compilation of my private conversation with God. It doesn't necessarily need to be long or too technical. It just needs wisdom and understanding from God.

Today is Sunday so I went to church. I'm part of the multimedia ministry so I need to go there as early as possible because I still need to edit the preaching outline and the praise and worship powerpoint.

I started in the ministry with lots of other multimedia ministers but now, I'm the only one left to do the duty. I enjoy it but it also feels tiring since I'm the only one to move in that ministry.

Then I came to a point of asking myself as to why do I continue doing the ministry even if it's just me. I grew exhausted and drained. I wanted to have a mentee so I'll have someone to share my burden with, but it isn't possible as of the moment.

I can't also be late or absent since my ministry is a vital part of the whole Sunday service. If ever I'm not around, I don't know what will happen to the ministry anymore.

Just as I was listening to our pastor's sermon, I was able to realize and see that I was actually dealing with God. God uses the people around me to speak the truth in behalf of Him.

My favorite moment when I have my date with God is the time when I can just simply cry and tell God all my worries, disappointments, hurt, pain and I can just comfortably talk to God since He won't judge me for being weak emotional or crying for the same thing over and over again.

I don't open up with my family that much because whenever I tell them my story they aren't interested. I don't tell them what I'm going through since I know that they won't understand.

I remember during my sister's gender reveal, my youngest brother's girlfriend attended. We were talking about the same feeling I get since my father is way too strict and my other sister but in by saying that 'you're too weak that's why they don't want you going out that much.'

I felt humiliated and I was left speechless. I wasn't talking to her and she just butted in. I also remember the time when I was crying because my tooth was aching and she said that I was too weak and started comparing herself against me.

Whenever I make mistakes she often tells me 'how were you able to graduate from college with that mind of yours?' Then she'll laugh it out and I'll laugh with her but it doesn't mean that I wasn't hurt.

Even my other siblings tell me those things and then they'll ask me why won't I talk. She also tells me that I'm different from them including my religion. They are all catholic while I'm a born gain Christian.

Oftentimes I don't feel like talking since I know that they won't listen. I don't feel like sharing since I know that it's irrelevant. I had a check up yesterday for my ears and my jaw since my jaw is painful whenever I open my mouth too wide or even when I eat.

My ears and my voice are very crucial to my new job. I went to the doctor with my mom. When I asked my sister to come with me, she told me that I'm too old not to know how to go to the doctor by myself.

She told me that if I want to have a companion anywhere I go, I must go and get a boyfriend. I will just smile and keep silent.

To be honest, I'm afraid to go to the doctor by myself. I always wanted to have my mom with me because it somehow reassure me that I'm okay and whatever happens I have my mom with me.

I told her that I was just 23 and every patient needs to have a guardian or companion every doctor's visit. She always tells me that I needed to stand on my feet and do it alone.

Then it made me think if I was actually dependent on my mom too much. I made up my mind to not ask her for it anymore.

Those might be minor issues but I still feel embarrassed with myself and I felt in pain. Can't I have a parent every doctor's visit? Can't I ask my mom to be with me? Is it selfish of me to have my mom with me? Is what I'm asking too much?

I'll need to go back to the doctor next Saturday for a follow up check about my condition and I guess I'll have to do it on my own.

You see, I can only tell God about those things since He'll definitely understand me and love me with no condition. He's my confidant and He's never going to reject me.

Every time I talk to God, I consider it as my date with Him. I pour out my heart and my emotions which no one is concern enough to do so for me. I actually want to tell to the people around me but I know that none of them is interested and none of them cares.

My father is sick so I don't want to add up to His problem. My mom is always tired. I don't want to burden her even more. My siblings and friends also has their own lives and their own problems to deal with. I don't want to be a burden to them.

I might have gotten all the different illnesses in the world, so maybe my sister is right. I'm too weak that I always need someone to accompany my wherever I go.

The good thing about dating God is the feeling of the sense of security that no matter what happens, I can always cry to Him and not be judged. I can always share how my day has been and have the assurance that I'll definitely feel better.

I also came to a point when they indirectly compare me to her. She has her own online business, a stable job, rental house, and lots of money but I don't have it.

I just always tell myself that I'm different from her. I can never do what she can since I'm different from her.

Someone actually asked me where did I bring my money for working two years that I wasn't able to save even a single penny.

First, I don't have that huge income. Second, I give money to my mom so I'll at least help in our house bills. It might not be that big but I know that it somehow helps. Third, I supported myself when I was attending a class review for the licensure exam. I can't even buy myself anything. I don't even eat out that much since I know that I my budget is way too tight. If ever I spend a single penny out of the budget then I'll have to suffer the consequences. Fourth, I give allowance to my youngest brother. I know that it's my responsibility and it's what I should do even if the amount is small, I worked hard for it. Fifth, it's impossible for me to save up money since it's not even enough for all the expenses I have.

I am never like my siblings who are business minded or has a huge amount of money in the bank. The only remembrance I have from my first job is the cellphone I'm using until now.

I know that I am sickly, burdensome and I can't do things by myself but I'm also hoping for their consideration. I never wanted to be like this. If I were to choose, of course I'll choose to be healthy and who would even choose to have low salary? Definitely not me.

I entitled this a date with God because He's the only one who knows all my trials, pain and sorrow in life. I also tell myself to start being independent and start doing things on my own but when it comes to going to the hospital by myself is too nerve wrecking for me.

But if it's indeed burdensome then I'll have to start doing it on my own. Actually I just had an argument with her last night which ended up a misunderstanding between my sister and my mom. It was never my intention and my brother even blames me for it.

I'm just glad that I will always have God to listen to me. At least I have God to comfort and love me dearly. I wouldn't need to pretend in His presence. I don't have to conceal what I feel since God has always been understanding of me and He'll definitely never get tired of loving and listening to me. God always gives me a hundred percent of His attention.

Love_16

February 14, 2021

Sunday