4th Monthsary

I never thought I'd last in this industry this long. I'm continuously holding up and guess what, I cried for messing up. I deleted a month worth of an employee's job and I was too ashamed and I felt the guilt that I cried.

After crying I felt a little better but just a little. I come to work the next day with all the encouragement and support of the people around me who are my workmates as well as my boss.

After creating that chaos, I'm just glad that all of those things were restored. I'm also quite enjoying this now. Given the fact that I get to speak with irate employees. They just shout and mumble words of racism and looking down on me but yeah, it's not as if I can do anything about it anyway. I just needed to live and bear with it. Knowing that they can't see me and I can't see them.

I'm receiving a good amount of salary and I'm valued. I'm a newbie but it doesn't give me the license to continuously mess up. I also like the fact that I enjoy being employed especially during this season of pandemic.

I'm starting to see myself doing this job for a little longer than expected. It's also a good thing to practice my communication skills as well as practice myself to be a source of blessing since it's what I've always wanted in the first place.

Sadly, I don't have any savings yet. I always make sure that every single member of our family is celebrated. Just like when we there are family events such as birthdays, mother's day and even the father's day celebration. I also like the fact that I'm able to treat my family and friends to a milk tea and such.

I also had my first vacation leave for my nephew's 1st birthday. It was fun to be surrounded with kids since it replenishes my energy and they remind me that I also deserve to be carefree from time to time. I enjoyed being with them and just simply enjoying ourselves with food and games.

Last Monday, I went out with my friends at 12 noon until 4 p.m. One of our friends is already working in public school and he treated us to UKB and we also went to a 2D milk tea shop then buy a few things on the grocery store. I actually didn't buy any but they all did.

I had a meaningful conversation with one of my friends since there's restrictions as to how many people can sit in 1 table. Were seated together and we just talked about life. It was liberating since I've been having anxieties and I don't understand myself that much.

We talked and I never thought I've been keeping all those things to myself for this long. I told her that I've been overly sensitive to the things that happen around me. I felt as though I have no reason to be happy because if I do so, something bad might happen. I feel pressed knowing that I have responsibilities weighed on my shoulders. I told her how I wanted to just leave and never look back. I want to runaway from my responsibilities and from everything that weighs me down. I also told her that I've been feeling constantly exhausted from everything.

She told me that I'm selfish if ever I runaway and not look back to my family. She also told me that she's afraid I might turn to a suicidal person since I'm often silent and I don't share that much but I told her that I won't and I'm just stressed out and all.

She just listened to me and told me that there's something missing. I know what it is but I don't get to acknowledge that indeed I'm missing it. I'm missing God.

I somehow drowned in my own thoughts that it also manifests in my body. I've had to go back and forth to the doctor and at the hospital hence not enjoying my weekends and it's all because of too much stress. Now that I actually think about it, I have no reason to be stressed out.

We also talked about love life and life itself which is why I'm unhealthy is because of overthinking. I must actually allow things to come and go. Not to cling on it. It's not as though my problems will be gone once I keep thinking about it.

Our conversation has been an eye opener to me and she also asked me what God is actually telling me and I answered that God has been too silent the whole time. She told me to continuously wait and ask God.

Then I had my devotion last Wednesday and you know what? God has given me the answer right on the spot which put my heart at ease.

1 Peter 4:2 GNT

From now on, then, you must live the rest of your lives controlled by God's will and not by human desires.

1 Peter 4:19 GNT

So then, those who suffer because it is God's will for them, should by their good actions trust themselves completely to their creator who always keeps his promise.

😭 God has always been there. I wasn't able to hear him because I'm drowned with my own voice. I don't trust God enough 🥺 and I've been thinking of the things which I have no control of 😅. I've been way too sensitive and emotional to the things which aren't supposed to be worrisome for me. I've been making things a lot more complicated than it should be. 😂 And for that, I forgot how to be happy and enjoy the things that I have.

I messaged my friend and told her how happy I am that she's continuously maturing in the faith and that I'm blessed to have that meaningful conversation with her. She also told me that if ever I feel upset or sad about something I must talk to her and that she'll always be willing to listen to me and help out.

I also happen to be on the same jeepney with my cell leader and cellmate. We had a short conversation asking for each other's update and after that everything seemed okay. I feel a lot calmer and better than usual. I feel at ease.

I know that there's still a long way to go but I'm glad that I'm slowly adjusting and getting used to this life. I have nothing to worry about. I'm just making things complicated even when it's all just way too simple.

Tomorrow I'll be treating my other set of friends to another samgyupsal. It's also my way of thanking them for being there and us having that once in a blue moon meal outside. I also look forward to what's going to happen next.

***To anyone who's facing the same struggles or if you think that your struggles are lesser or more difficult than mine, I hope that you also find the answer as to why you experience that and be able to overcome it.

You Only Live Once so you better live it in a meaningful and grateful way.

God bless you ❤️

Love_16

May 28, 2021

Friday