1 month

January 25, 2021 to February 19, 2021

It's important to know when to move out of the box and how to do it. It's uncomfortable, exhausting, and really challenging knowing that I must move out in order to grow.

A person stops growing when he stops learning. This is a fact which I often tell myself. Since the day 1 my mindset was I'm not going to be able to make it the next day because it's way too different from what I've taken up in college and I don't have the slightest idea of what to do.

I'm still on training but I only have until next week to practice and get used to this. I don't have the right to blame anyone or to even think about quitting since I still have a lot of things to do. I still need to accomplish many things which I can't if I quit now.

There are times when I wake up and count the hours each day thinking that I'll surely survive this day and I'll finally be able adapt and get used to this.

I motivate myself because no one else can do it for me. The people around me says that I'm still adjusting and I'll get used to it but I know deep in my heart what I truly want.

I'm thankful for the opportunity given to me. I'm now employed, I help my family financially, and I even have the chance to get checked by the doctor without paying a single penny. I'm on a work from home set up and all my trainers as well as co workers are really kind to me.

They are patient enough to guide and help me especially when I ask too many questions. The best thing about this is the fact that I no longer have to think about looking for a job and I'm not that stressed anymore.

My day offs are every Saturdays and Sundays as well as every holiday. I had to file a sick leave because the schedule is way too different from my body clock. I experienced working from 2:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon.

To be honest, I feel so ashamed of myself for failing my assessments. The good thing is that there is a chance to retake. I feel so disappointed with myself for not being able to absorb everything that they taught me during my trainings. When we had simulation earlier, I didn't know what to do. It's as if my mind went blank and I wasn't able to say anything anymore.

I forgot the process and just kept quiet until I already asked my trainer that I can't do it anymore. She was understanding and she told me that we can continue it and she told me about the things I need to improve. Even my classmate in the training tried to cheer me up but I know the truth that I messed up. I know the truth that I did not do well.

I was a mess last week and I had nothing else to say but the fact that I want to get hired in public school so I can finally quit my current job. I was too thoughtless that I somehow become toxic to the people around me.

I went to an ENT doctor last Saturday. Then he prescribed me a medicine and I'll need to go back for a follow up check tomorrow. I need to get checked by another doctor. If I'm not employed, how will I be able to sustain myself especially in my medical needs?

My mom was with me last Saturday for a check up and I want to ask her to come with me again but she has to do the laundry so I'll have to go to the hospital by myself.

My sister actually told me that I need to have a boyfriend so he'll be the one to come with me every time I need to go somewhere. She said that I'm old enough so why can't I go to the hospital by myself? I defended myself by saying that every patient needs a companion every check up in the hospital.

Maybe she's right. I must learn how to do things on my own and to not depend on them too much.

It was my nephew's Christening last Saturday. Me, my mom, my younger brother, my sister with her boyfriend went there to celebrate with them.

We were talking about how was my check up with the doctor. I told them about it until she said that, 'she's like that because you don't listen to her whenever she talks' and my younger brother said that 'why won't you talk?'

I tried opening up a lot of times but no one is interested enough to listen. They think that I'm strong enough and I can handle myself. I know that I can and I have to.

My jaw was painful whenever I yawn or even if I just open my mouth wide. It has a painful sound which is why I needed to drink a muscle relaxant for 7 days. It was three times a day and I also need to get checked for my right abdomen because it has a warm, numb feeling.

I just wanted to have my mom with me every time I need to go to the doctor. It's as if I am okay. I feel reassured that I'm in the right hands because my mom is with me but they are also right. I must do things on my own which I'll start doing.

I'm actually selective whenever I tell stories to others but since my identity is concealed in read cash, I feel comfortable writing what happens to me. No one will judge me here since no one knows me. My secrets are safe here since I'm the only one who has an access to this site and I know that anyone who reads this won't gossip this to others.

I had a change of mindset for the time being. I know that I'll need to work hard for my family. I know how difficult it is when I was unemployed. I know how stressful it is not to have a job and being unable to provide for my family.

I'm grateful for this new experience since I'm earning more than twice of what I'm earning when I was still teaching in private school. I don't need to think about my medical expenses since the company covered it. I don't have to worry about daily transportation since I'm on a work from home set up. Besides my rest days are every Saturdays and Sundays.

It's also heartwarming since I get paid in advance and I'm sure that my benefits are paid correctly and on time. I can also start saving money since I didn't get the chance to do so in my previous job. I can finally be a blessing financially to my family and to the church since I'll be able to give my tithes and offerings.

It's not my forte and my comfort zone that's why it's too difficult for me but I know I'll definitely get used to it.

Time indeed flies so fast. It's been a month now and I know that I'll be able to make it. Not just for myself but for my family as well. I can finally help my family to save up for the reconstruction of our house. I can finally be someone whom they'll think about whenever they need help.

I'm also grateful that I can now give allowance to my parents even if the amount is not that big but I'll definitely get there. I have already started so I know that I'll be able to finish as well.

I'm grateful to God for giving me this opportunity that even though I've failed many times, the Lord has been faithful to me. It's God who sustains my strength and He's the one who loves me the same.

It's okay if I'm physically alone since I know that God is with me at all times.

"The listener also needs someone to listen to her."

Love_16

February 19, 2021

Friday