Personal conflict with "Personality disorder" and "autism"

I've been thinking a lot about my mental health lately; depression constantly pulls me down but I'm trying hard to be stronger, though it's not as easy as said but I'm optimistic I'd come out victorious. Depression is a serious challenge which shouldn't be taken for granted; I've been there, I am there, and it's a present continuous tense for me unless I find a solution to this happiness draining predicament. If in any case I'm unable to defeat depression then I'd probably find ways to adapt to this anomaly which has become a part of my life. I've been trying to understand the cause of my depression but no matter how hard I just can't makes sense of anything; it would seem that it simply comes out of nowhere like a switch suddenly flipped and decides to come after me with full force without holding back each time. If depression was a person then I'd call it my evil twin from another dimension; an evil twin which I detest and love simultaneously.

I've been doing some research lately while trying to find out if I've got a personality disorder or Autism....

I'm simply walking through.....

I'm addicted to depression

I've observed with time that depression can be additive; this addiction is the real danger- almost like a chip that has been implanted thus ensuring it's inevitable comeback. This observation was born out of personal experience; I've always been depressed since a very young age hence the addiction.

"Depression can be

highly addictive"

This is dangerous because you'd constantly feel like can't function properly depression, you'd begin to miss depression after days or months without it, which leads to even more depression because you'd feel like an essential part of you is missing. Depression has become a part of me and there's no denying it; don't worry I won't commit suicide.

Someone said I have a personality disorder

I've got no idea what this means but someone once said I've got a personality disorder after explaining the concept of my depression, my privacy issues which includes the fact that I do not appreciate being touched- human contact can be really weird, I don't like it when people touch me for no reason except the conventional exchange of pleasantries which lasts only for a few seconds, I don't believe in people keeping me company either because I enjoy my own company thus begging the question "am I human?" The question of my humanity is story for another day....

My mood swings can be extremely weird and over the top; one moment I'm glad you're here, and the next 'a "rapid switch into another mood occurs", depression followed by depression and the need for privacy.

"Personality disorder is often

characterized by the feeling

of emptiness and boredom"

I'm with the highest certainty that I'm not Autistic neither have I got a personality disorder; dislikes are simply dislikes, wanting to be alone and having a high degree of privacy issues is simply "me" being human in my own way, the best way I can. Although some personality disorder symptoms are evident in my syllogism yet I'd like to believe that It's mostly about my brain creating a set of rules; these rules ensure my survival and that I live my life as comfortably as possible without holding back- afterall we only live once and we gotta live it in our own way for full satisfaction to be derived or we're probably going to live our lives in regrets; regrets in the form of the question "why didn't I choose to be me, why didn't I stand up for myself and follow my heart?"...... and yada yada.

"Schizoid personality disorder involves

Limited range of emotional expression"

My expressions are mostly limited; irrespective of how funny a joke is, I can choose to not laugh, I laugh only when I want to, I don't express happiness or sadness as my expression is usually the same in all situations. I remember my mom while she was still alive usually to complained that she didn't know when her son is happy or sad.. she complained about my being too rigid and unexpressive, constantly keeping to myself and not relating with anyone especially with visitors around.

I may have a personality disorder but this personality is enjoyable and I have no regrets; I simply need an adjustment of lifestyle, this adjustment will come in due time and when necessary.

I'm not autistic

I'd rather be plugged into the matrix while unaware of reality and living my entire life in a "make-a-wish" simulation than be Autistic; autism is usually diagnosed at childhood

"Autism is

diagnosed at

at age two"

I've been at the hospital more times than I can remember, needles have pierced my skin more than fifty times, those body fluids have gone through me, yet Autism wasn't diagnosed at any point. My point is; Autism doesn't hit you at adulthood unless you wanna talk about Alzheimer's disease which only affects the old, and this is something entirely different as it mostly entails loss of memory and hallucination which isn't a characteristic of autism.

Though I may have a relatively high IQ and difficulty in human relations except in special cases where my brain adapts by virtue of constant training, more training and rehearsals yet I'm convinced I'm not autistic.

"Reliance on rules

and routines"

Autism has a wide range of symptoms which includes reliance on rules and routines which I'm mostly guilty of...... I'd rather see a professional on these issues.

Is depression genetic?

Based on research and bla bla, I can conclude that depression does not have a clear pattern of inheritance, this conclusion is evident in my family history; neither of both parents suffered from depression during their lifetime, no sign of depression in extended family that I know of, at this point it would seem that I am the "black sheep of the family" (haha) and no denial is intended.

"Genetic does not have a clear,

pattern of inheritance"

It was suggested that I see a psychologist; and I psychologist I will see provided the therapy isn't one to drive me to suicide.

Toddles!

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