I'm Sorry For All The Things I Put You Through

Have you ever had a time to reflect on life and realized how harsh you have been to yourself? I do. Though it makes me guilty sometimes, keeping myself busy to avoid thinking of my problems really helps. I would watch a movie to past the time. It would be 2 to 3 movies just to wait for the night so I could get straight to bed. I would wake up almost in the afternoon so I would have lesser time or none at all to think of things. And the rest are for playing mobile games for long hours. That might sound like only three activities that I did in a day but that really takes up all of my time.

The reason why I suddenly thought of that is because last night, I went out for a couple of minutes to look at the newly installed solar panel outside of the house. I looked around me and tried to remember what the place looked like before the solar light was put then I took shadow pictures. Then I realized I stopped doing things that made me happy, that I focused on things that would keep me off from reality.

While taking the pictures I thought to myself, "This is what I used to do. I would take pictures of things that scream something to the soul and now I no longer do that. What happened? Why did I stop?" And I hate what I did when that thought hit me. I got inside then play mobile legends, to stop thinking of the things from the past. Of how fond I used to be of things. I wish I stayed longer outside last night and reconnected with the stars. How I miss stargazing. It's been a while since the last time I did that. Must be more than a year in fact.

I'm sorry to myself.

I'm sorry I no longer let you breathe fresh air because I always stay in the house. Do you miss the sunset or the sunrise? Do you wanna go out and see the sky turn orange? Because I would go out just for you. You must be tired looking at the screen all day. I'm sorry I've been blocking your pleas of doing things to keep us healthy physically and mentally. You must be tired hearing people say how skinny you are. Would you like to read books again? Just tell me the story you want and I'll read it for us. Are you thirsty? I'm really sorry. Do you miss listening to music? Why do we no longer sing? Play an instrument? I'm sorry we stopped those things.

Let me make up to you. Give me time.