Strangers Again But Forever We Haunt Each Other
It's been half a year since we parted ways yet on random days I still think of him. There are a lot of things that remind me of him—the moon, certain songs, going on a walk alone, black dogs, video games, and more to be named. Seeing these things used to make me sad but now that time has passed by and we do heal little by little, I just feel bitter sweet now. I would cry but now I would just smile and look back on those days when I had someone to confine to.
It made me wonder if he thinks of me too. When he stumbles upon things that I told him about, does he think of me too? When he sees milk, skateboards, split-dyed hair, cats—do I cross his mind? You might say I am delusional for saying yes but why do I feel like it is the right answer?
It's crazy that although I haven't heard from him for months, things about him still haunt me. And I wish things about me haunts him too. I want to be that memory that would keep him up at night. To be that girl he would think about 10 years from now and what could have been. That girl he would call "the one that got away". I wanna be the reason why he cries. I wanna be the person he thinks of me when something good or bad happens.
I admit though it has been a while, a part of me still loves him. I still love him, I really do. But everyday I suppress this emotion because he is nowhere in my life right now. He is away, it feels like reaching out for someone who doesn't exist. Other reason why I no longer see for him is because I feel bad for myself.
She deserves so much more yet I keep putting her in misery. I do believe nobody hurts us more than ourselves. We are our own nemesis and we are our own savior. How do I say this? I only want him but I don't even want him anymore. I prefer to be this girl, his girl. His girl that he could no longer be with. I am fine on my own.
It all ends to a positive mindset
I wasn't raised in a religious family, but on Sundays and special occasions, they never forget to offer a prayer. However, my extended family is a great devotee of religion to the extent that I used to see them as people who have never sinned. Little me saw them as a model that I actually tried praying every night and would even participate in flores de mayo. It wasn't long when I would forget the routine.
As I got older, I grew apart from religion. The changes of my life principles joined the changes of my growth spurt. There I discovered that you don't have to worship God to be blessed (in the first place, devoting shouldn't be for the purpose of receiving a blessing).
Though in every lucky situations I call myself "God's favorite" it has dawned to me that this "favoritism" or "luck" has nothing to do with religion. Disclaimer, I saw it somewhere in Tiktok but it says that:
*Religion call it prayer. Witches call it spell. Spiritualists call it manifesting. Science call it law. But nobody denies it existence.*
This brought me to the conclusion that it doesn't matter which of this you believe in. I guess the answer is that we respect each other's different belief because if you can see it, whatever they call it, it all ends that positive mindset is a must.
It means to be hopeful about everything but of course to support it radically, we can't just keep saying what we want in words. We must also work for it. It's not magic. I guess these words of things that we want is just a motivation to ourselves. Whatever we believe in, just know such thing exists. So be vocal when you want something and work for it. The universe hears and sees you.
Lurking In The Dark 28
I caught sight of one of Drev's admirer rolled her eyes before I saw Drev stepped out from the back. Then seeing the corpse in front of him, his emotionless face turned into confused one. "I, uh..." He couldn't finish his sentence, he just stared at the corpse.
Ms. Halia grinned widely. "What do you think?"
The fact that Ms. Halia was only talking to Drev make it seemed that she was referring to something they discuss in private. Her face wore a face of glory as if she was proud of herself for showing him Lady Shia.
"It's..." Drev didn't finish what he was about to say. He just exhaled and said, "I need a minute." His low voice rang in my mind as I watched the class parted for him to pass through as he went away.
I turned to Ms. Halia in annoyance. She looked at me, her eyebrows raised as if to ask if I had a question. I shook my head, then ran to look for Drev.
The museum was big, I had looked anywhere else but still no sign of him. I passed by the male's restroom, fighting with my own thoughts, hesitating to enter. Then I made up my mind, shaking my head as I turned and walked in through the door with confidence to create an illusion of authority.
There were two men washing their hands, they turned their head into my direction in alert as the door created a loud bang sound. A teen eyed me as he got out from one of the urinal cubicles. They were all confused of the presence of a girl in the male's restroom.
Obscured by the two men was Drev. He was staring into the reflection of his mirror, seemed to be unaware of my appearance. His hands were rested on the corners of the sink which seemed to support his whole body. His face was dripping off water, and hair matted.
I walked up to him briskly, my white hair flowing behind me. "Hey," I said. "What's wrong?"
He looked at me through the mirror. "Stay away from Saleri." He seemed to age ten years more because of the sudden presence of depth below his cheeks. Is it because of the lighting of the room or the agitated look on his face?
The occupants left so I went to the door and locked it. "Your girlfriend?"
There it was again. I didn't see him moved, I blinked and now he was standing in front of me. I tried to catch my breath. This can't be just a hallucination, right?
I gasped.
"She's not," he began. "Listen, Grassi. Stay away from Saleri." In contrast of my fear that he could kill me was his voice in a whisper which made a small part of me believed that he wouldn't hurt me. "Quit school and never leave home."
I glared at him. "Tell me what's happening."
"You wouldn't understand."
"Then, there's no way I would listen to you."
Kokology Is Personally Accurate
To kill time, I borrowed my friends book. I forgot the title but it has words "kokology" and "self-discovery" in it. It is contains pop quizzes that will test your psychology.
The contents are situational where you will be asked to imagine a certain setting or situation. Sometimes you will be asked to draw an item. Afterwards, your answers will be interpreted. These interpretations will reflect your mind.
If you don't have time to check the book, let me do the honor to share with you the chance to participate in this game. So first relax your mind, no answer is wrong. The trick in this game is that the first thing or answer that comes up to your mind would be your final answer because the quickest glimpse of what you see in your mind is the closest choice to your subconsciousness.
I don't remember much of the quizzes since it was only a quick read to kill the time but I will try.
Imagine yourself in a desert. It is hot, you are sweating, and the vast sand seemed to stretch until eternity. You are riding a camel. *What would you say to the camel?*
The journey went on and you finally found an oasis. In the oasis, someone was drinking water. *Who could it be?*
Next someone appeared. This person took your camel. *Who could it be?*
The first question reflects your personality. If you asked the camel how he is doing then it means that you are considerate of the feelings of other people or you are an animal lover. If you thanked the camel, it means that you are a grateful person. If you motivated the camel that you will find sooner your relief, then you are a hopeful person.
The second question will show you who you run to when things are rough. Was it your partner? Your mother? Whoever it is, this person is the person you could lean on. He or she will always be there through your ups and downs.
The third question will show you the person that you do not have a good connection with. Someone you have rivalry with, there is jealousy between your relationship. And you don't feel at ease with this person.
So how did it go? Do your answers reflect your personality?
Personally, my answers are aligned with the interpretations. The other quizzes are accurate as well. But unfortunately I can't show you the other quizzes because I don't have the book with me, I forgot the interpretations.
But if you want you could read it yourself or maybe it is available in youtube. May it be accurate or not, just know that you are the captain of your soul. You know yourself and don't let anything dictate how you life or who you are.
Until next time! :)
EMAS Team Building
For our team building, we went to my friend's house. It was the best option we have because we would be able to save money. We did a lot of fun activities so that we would get to know each other and to test our teamwork. We met up at 6 am so we could go there as a group. The travel was almost an hour.
The place is very accommodating. The first activity we did was a type of an open forum. There were papers and in each paper was a name of a member. If you receive the paper, you will write the quality of that person then pass it to the next person. It was a circular pattern. For my qualities, the common words they used to describe me are silent and cool. I don't think I am since I find myself jolly especially around the people I like but I guess we just have different perspectives on everything.
Afterwards, we played games such as passing a flour using a card that was only held by our mouth and miming a word for the other members to guess. It was around 9 am when our team leader let us do the things we prefer. I chose the videoke because I love singing while the others chose to play games such as volleyball and badminton.
When I got tired I went to the house and fell asleep because I wasn't able to sleep the night prior to that. I woke up because I got so hungry then we had a boodle fight for lunch. I targeted the shrimp and steak hahaha. The foods are really good I got so full that when I tried to swim in the swimming pool I feel like I would puked out the foods I ate so I had to rest at the corner for a while.
After swimming, I rested at the hammock for a while as I watched my friends enjoy the day. I love the people as well they are all kind and fun. It feels so solid to be friends with them. We did another round of games where we would spell a word. The words were medical terms since we are medical students. It is also to practice our learnings. Then we spent the whole day swimming.
I really enjoyed the pool because unlike the last time I went into one, the water is pure with the temperature enough to relax since it is lukewarm. I hate the chlorinated pools because it hurts in the eyes and nose. I actually lost my belly piercing in the water but I was able to retrieve after several minutes. I had a couple of alcoholic drinks. It was around 8 pm when I got home.
I was tired and dizzy so it didn't take a while before I was knocked out to sleep. I really enjoyed it everything is perfect. Even the weather was enjoying with us, it was a beautiful sunny day with the clouds covering the sun. It was a great team building indeed.
Empty pocket, Full heart
I'm gonna go to school in about two hours. I am supposed to be preparing by now because I can't go out without my eyebrows done, and it usually takes a while. My face feels sticky because I haven't washed my face since I woke up.
I don't wanna go to school but I have to because I am part of the front crew team. I don't even know what that means but I am down for that so I could have some fun though I'm not sure if being a front crew is a fun thing. I'm planning on getting a milktea on my way home but I doubt it would fit in my monthly budget.
And if the practice doesn't take a while, I might go to the mall to go window shopping. I wanted to buy new clothes but I'm on a budget. It's okay though because when I get a job, I will pamper myself.
But if the practice ends until 5 pm, I would go to the 7/11 nearby to buy a sunscreen. I haven't used a sunscreen ever but I will invest in it now because it would help my skin once I grow older, for medical purposes as well. The sun's harsher than a decade ago. I'm not sure what brand to buy but I'm sure I have limited options since 7/11 is not really a beauty store unlike Watsons but it would do.
I went there before and checked the sunscreens they have. I'm not sure if those are legitimate since I haven't heard those brands before but better than nothing. I am currently settling for small things which I'm fine about because it makes me appreciate more the little things. However, it makes me feel small when I'm next to people who achieved big things. I'm fine, after all. I guess that's just how it works.
I had pizza yesterday. Just one slice, but I had one and that's what made me happy yesterday so it's everything. Some people might see me as shallow. But I am happy and living so I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'll figure it out. And I'll have it figured out just like I always do. Because though my pocket is empty, my heart is full.
Lurking In The Dark 27
Piatto played with his lip ring as I thought of an answer. I sighed, stretching my legs without hitting Piatto and watched Drev as his neck stretched to reach for Ms. Halia's lips as she continued to whisper to him. Strangely, Ms. Halia didn't look flirty, she looked serious and tensed. Her glasses were askew and some part of her neck wasn't tanned equally as the other parts of her body.
"Mierkova is a great and peaceful country, he said. They just don't want to be influenced which left them isolated and outdated from inventions," I lied. I was surprised of my answer since it fitted just right and I never thought of it before. I memorized the idea of my answer to stick to it, it seemed to be a good reason to say when someone asks me why Drev is ignorant.
"Oh, wow!" Piatto exhaled. He glanced at the window and grinned wide. "We're here!" He announced before the driver could.
Oratker museum is much larger than our town museum in Frolsan. There were different wings for each type of artifact, and Ms. Halia was touring us in east wing where the jars and other daily life materials were. I strayed from the rest of the class, going to south wing after I caught glance of an interesting artifact while we were at the threshold when our names were being registered by the desk man.
I stared at the six-foot tall corpse of a beautiful woman, laid inside a glass coffin. She looked like she was only asleep except for the position of her hands, forming an X on her chest. Her features looked soft but her skin was abnormally pale. She wore a long flowy turtle-neck dress made of soft fabric and the sleeves were see-through.
Name: unknown, nicknamed as Lady Shia. Found in the month of Eris, Niek year. Corpse was raped by a man named Ril Unopa after he found her in a mining site in Klaspa. Age: estimated hundreds of years.
She is not rotting. Is it because of the tight-sealed glass coffin that keeps out bacteria? But...
The hairs all over my body stood up. I stared at the corpse for forever until someone nudged me in the arms. I shook my head, startled of my return to my senses. I looked around and was greeted by the stares of my classmates with Ms. Halia raising her brow at me, her hand rested on her hips.
I glanced at Piatto who nudged me. "Are you okay?" He asked, chuckling. I didn't answer. He turned to face the rest of the class and waved a hand in dismissal. "All good, Ms. Halia," he said.
I mentally thanked Piatto. Ms. Halia cleared her throat so I stepped aside to give her the stage for her touring. She gave me a small glare as if to say she didn't find it amusing that I wasn't with them. Then she went on with her job.
"Where's Drev?" Was the first thing she said.
Lurking In The Dark 26
"But they're no ordinary corpses. They are still in flesh despite death hundreds of years ago and they have fangs. They are clearly monarchs because of the clothes they wear. So that leaves a conclusion that Tualia used to be ruled by bresvens."
My eyes lit up from what Piatto said. The media and books never said those things and I wouldn't doubt that the reason was because fairytales aren't relevant to be associated to a country. Of course, I know that. It was taught in Kevan History that Keva was once tried to be invaded by Tualians, but the foreigners never knew that the associated fairytale was Tualians fed on blood.
"You know," Piatto went on, "when I moved here in Keva and I heard about the twisted story of the Keva-Tualia war." He snorted in a small laughter. "Dang! It is so funny to say Keva-Tualia war when it wasn't even that big. So back to what I was about to say. It's just amazing to think that Tualia and Keva both have this story of Tualians that fed on blood." Then he looked at me with suspense, his charcoal-lined green eyes opened wide. "What if...it's true?" Piatto laughed manically.
I rolled my eyes at him. "Ha ha ha," I faked laugh, making it obvious to him. "Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing but then those stories were only made to scare kids."
He cocked a brow, studying my face. "What if they really exist?" he finally asked.
I shrugged. "I don't know. What do you think will happen?"
"They will conquer the world."
"But do you think bresvens are real? I mean, there are flesh corpses with fangs found."
"Nah." He shook his head. "Scientists said that the castle is located in a very cold place so it's not surprising for these bodies to not decay. As for the fangs, it's normal to have fangs. And the bodies were a monarch family so that means it's possible for all of them to have fangs - yeah, genetics."
"Oh," I said, a little disappointed that there was a scientific explanation behind. Of course as what Piatto said, they are powerful and strong so there's possibly a benefit or I don't know. Feeding on blood doesn't necessarily kill the person they get the blood from, right? So maybe it's fine for bresvens to really exist. I mean, I don't know. Do bresvens have super powers? Like telekinesis, teleport? Do they levitate?
"Tualian fairytales revolve around bresvens. But what if they...we don't know..." Piatto shifted his body to lean against the backrest, his hand folded under his head. "Anyway, you're Grassi Erlijan, right?" He asked which I thought was just a filler question since we have been classmates for months and there's no way he wouldn't recognize me since Ms. Halia sometimes calls me when there are questions about Drev that he couldn't answer himself because of the things he couldn't remember. Of course, I could neither give her an answer, not because it's Drev's privacy but because I just really don't know.
I smiled. "And you are Piatto Leriamu." He is friendly and talkative, it must be the reason why he had taken a lot of girls to bed.
"That guy, Drev." He nodded towards Drev once. "It's strange to see someone from Mierkova. Does he tell you what it's like?"
I'll Cut My Hair When I'm In Love Again
I used to have a long hair. As what they say, our hair is our crowning glory so I took good care of it. Growing up as a kid, I would always bring a comb wherever I go. It was a funny sight that my mom would make fun of me. It was a kind of habit because I would bring one even if I was on a swimming and I didn't have any pocket to keep it. I would use the garter of my underwear to keep it secured. Of course I would end up losing it. I lost count of the number of combs I lost.
I'm glad I grew out of the habit of bringing a comb with me. Sometimes I would question myself why would I do that, I wouldn't even use the comb at all. I just want to bring one with me. I would feel incomplete if I didn't have one.
I can't quite remember what grade I stopped bringing one but I'm sure it was in junior high school. I think the main reason was because I feel bad I keep losing one that we actually run out of comb in the house, and my father would get mad. And because I don't think my comb is cute enough to be seen by my girl friends.
Now I am in college with a neck-length hair. I even went through the boy cut hairstyle. It felt like freedom because it was my first time cutting my hair really short and prior to cutting it I was so nervous I wouldn't look good especially that a short hair would emphasize my big oval face. I ended up nailing it. :)
My hair has been short ever since April 2018. Since then, I couldn't stop maintaining the short hairstyle. It wasn't even on purpose, I just randomly cut my hair when bored out of impulsive decision. Or sometimes it's out from scrolling through Pinterest and getting inspired by the pretty short-haired girls. I've always wanted to go back to long hair which I have been planning for about years now but somehow I keep failing.
But this time I am determined. I got out from a breakup and I thought to myself, "You know what? I'd make him notice a drastic change about me once he sees me again. Why not grow my hair?"
But with a twist. I will only cut my hair once I am in love again. Though knowing that he is my greatest love, it would take me long before I get to move and fall in love again so I guess I will be having a hair that falls to the heel of my feet before my next haircut. Ugh, why am I even making this stupid deal with my hair and the scissor when he probably doesn't care about me at all.
I guess the length of my hair will be my happiness monitor, huh?
Unexpectedly 3
After class, my friends and I decided to go to this newly opened café and by coincidence, she was also there with her group. They were seated at the corner right beside the counter where the baristas are preparing the orders. And when they saw us, they waved at us to sit with them. I felt like turning around and leaving the café when she caught me looking at her. I don't think she mind tho because she just gave me a smile like we shared an inside joke. Now, I'm reminded of her "confession".
I sighed as we walked towards their table. I just can't move freely around her and I don't know why. Am I afraid to make a wrong move that would get her turned off? Nah, I don't like her why would I even bother think about it. She doesn't even mean what she said before, I guess.
The girls giggled and whispered to each other. She then tied her hair in a pony tail but some strands by the side of her cheeks fell off from her grip because it was shorter in length. I quickly glanced away but keeping the vivid image of her holding her hair up in my mind because it's the first time I saw her with her hair up. But maybe she wasn't comfortable with the style because I saw her in my peripheral vision fixing her hair back to its normal style.
We ordered our drinks and went back to the table as we wait. When we returned the girls were still giggling including her. Her eyes would disappear and her hand would automatically cover her mouth as she smiles, I just noticed. She looks beautiful with her smile though, I don't understand why she would cover her mouth. She doesn't even have any crooked teeth.
"What are you girls giggling about?" Cedric asked. I was curious too because it seems like it really got her attention but I was too shy to ask of course.
"The barista in green apron is so cute," one of her friends answered and I was able to locate the guy just within a second since he was the only one in green apron. The rest of the baristas were girls in yellow ones.
I guess she doesn't mean what she said at all. Because I swear that cute guy they were talking about (probably her type) is nothing like me at all. The guy has curly hair, muscular build, and tanned skin while I am the opposite. I'm suddenly not in the mood.
"Bryce, I only got my eyes on you. Don't worry." She said as she took a sip of her strawberry frappe.
The group laughed. Now I can't tell if she's playing with my feelings because she's being dared or she really means it. Best not to mind her at all.
But what she said just made my heart skip a beat.
"Bryce doesn't do romance," Austin answered.
"Obviously. He looks like he doesn't even care about anything at all." Her friend answered.
"Just let me admire you. I don't care if you don't like me back. Actually, I prefer if you don't like me back at all," she answered.
Previous chapters:
Chapter 1 - https://read.cash/@Kiro/unexpectedly-1-bb25ccff
Chapter 2 - https://read.cash/@Kiro/unexpectedly-2-117f298e
Lurking In The Dark 25
I leaned my head against the window of the school bus, wishing I was classmates with Relis in history class so we could sit next to each other as we go on this boring ride. We were heading to Oratker museum as part of our educational learning although it was clear it would only be bored students in majority who don't care about historical things.
The scene of a couple smooching each other disgusted me so I shook my head as I rolled my eyes, hugged myself from the airconed air, and sighed as I gazed at the clustered trees along the way. My breath fogged up the glass and I just let it because it seemed to be more entertaining than Ms. Halia talking to Drev in whispers. Drev, on the other hand, was listening raptly. Whatever they talk about every after history class is something I don't want to know. Let me guess, it would probably be all about flirting.
I glanced at the girls at the back and smirked as I saw their annoyed face towards Ms. Halia. I wouldn't blame them. If I saw an old teacher flirting with Relis, I would also be annoyed and worse, jealous. I think sadness is stronger than anger.
Nobody was sitting next to me because I placed my bag on the next seat. The others followed so what I'm sitting next to now is a mountain of school bags. I wasn't bothered though.
What if this bus turns and drives straight to Mierkova?
The boy on the seat infront of me stood up. Then he knelt on his seat, facing me. He rested his chin on his hand that was placed on top of the backrest of the seat. Then he grinned at me. "I'm Piatto."
I mentally crumpled my face. I heard a lot of him. He had sex with a lot of girls and he smokes rolled leaves of lumboy that could make you high and crazy. I wondered how he managed to create such reputation when he is a fresh transferee. "Hello, Piatto," I replied, trying my best not to be judgmental although it was too late because I had judged him before I could even think of a reply. My brain is harsher than I thought.
"Long ride, huh?" He grinned again, showing gold-framed incisor tooth. His eyes were round and green with yellow speckles around the iris. His hair was dyed blue and the original color was showing from the roots.
I nodded. "Yes." It takes three hours to get to the city of Oratker. I eyed the black roots of his dyed hair. "From what country?" I cocked a brow.
Maybe it was a normal question for him because his hand quickly landed on his head, grabbing a handful of his hair and let it slid off. He chuckled, an attractive chuckle. "Tualia. Migrated since the country's a shit." He must have caught me winced at his language because he waved a hand at me. "Sorry. I mean the economy of the country's declining."
There are a lot of migrants in Keva because of the successful economy and high human development.
"Tualia," I hummed. "What is it like to live there?" I have heard a lot about Tualia from news but I wanted to hear it in person and I wouldn't mind a conversation since the ride was boring. As long as, he won't start asking for my address. "Sure thing there is still good about Tualia," I added.
Piatto bit his lip ring. "Girls with long legs, that's all." He laughed but I didn't return the laughter so he cleared his throat and gave me a descent answer. "If you're a winter person and likes weird stuffs, then Tualia's the perfect place. That's all I can say." He shrugged.
"There's also winter in Keva."
"Yep." His enthusiasm returned. "But not as cold as Tualia's. And we have annual ski festival, and the Northern light is breath-taking. Hella lot of castles on mountainous areas, the shits geshing crazy."
I tried my best not to be disturbed by his cussings since the words started to flow out like a rocket. He must have missed his country, judging by the sparkle seen on his green eyes as he spoke.
"And weird stuffs?" I asked.
He squinted. "What weird?" He flipped his hear that covered his left eye, it returned in place after the flip and covered his eyes again. I guess, it's really his hairstyle.
"What weird stuffs did you mean earlier?"
"Oh." He shifted on his knee, then finally stood and started transferring the bags next to me to his seat. The girl next to him shot him an irritated look but he just shrugged it off and kept transferring until the seat was empty. He took the now empty seat next to me and said, "So, where were we?"
I turned my back against the window so I could easily kick him once he tries to touch me. "Weird stuffs," I reminded him. I could see his whole built and I might say it is manly unlike Drev.
"Ah, yes." He turned his back against the aisle, shifting his whole body to face me. Whatever the weird stuffs are, it was clear that it excites him as much as it does to me. "Castles were said to be a burial place for old monarchs. And there's an evidence." He wiggled his fingers like a tentacles of an octopus swimming freely in the sea. "Dead bodies!" He shouted in a whisper.
I Applied As a Ghostwriter
For the past month I have been unsuccessful in looking for a job where I could earn just enough money to keep myself from starving. I applied to this website without an expectation that they would actually reach out to me. They made me write an essay about what I would do if I met an alien. After I hit send the page refreshed so I thought it was gone and they didn't receive it. I wanted to try again but I can't repeat the essay I wrote thinking it is a waste of effort so I let it go.
Long story short, I got an email from them and now they are hiring me as a trainee to see my potential. I have to request for an order where they would ask me to write a 5000 words article within five days. I looked through the orders and realized none of them was of my topic of personal interest so I still haven't ordered for an article to write. But realizing, I should be out of my comfort zone and is flexible to dig through things that I am not interested because a writer should have a large imagination and cope of understanding.
Though it may be a lot of work knowing that next week is an exam week but I am willing to try this one. Not only so I could earn but also to keep my skills sharp. If I get accepted then good for me but if I don't, still good for me at least I tried and didn't let myself just sit and think of things "*I should've done this*".
I don't have any experience as a ghostwriter so if anyone here who have done this before, tips would be highly appreciated. And also tell me about your experiences if it is worth it and worth-stressing over. I wish this was not stressful because I am already stressed by college but knowing that I will be writing things out of my interest, I knew it's gonna be challenging.
I Tried Selling Feet Pics Online
I am in the point of my life right now where I am down for stupid things just to earn money. I don't have a serious emergency situation to spend it on but I am thinking of the future where I have to move out again for the face-to-face classes this next semester. I don't want to spend another months starving myself because I do not have spare money to buy some snacks. I grew up in the household where we would eat something usually bread every 3 pm, so yes I feel like dying whenever I don't have something to it by then.
I looked for a website where I could apply to a random online job while doing my schoolwork so my attention was 50/50. It was also a way not to pressure myself between the school requirement and job application. Which means whenever I need a break from doing the schoolwork, I would switch tab to the job application and vice versa. Just a way to reset my brain without actually doing so, just doing the illusion of starting a new thing for a refreshment and to avoid exhaustion.
So I applied to this website where you could sell feet pics. I know this type of website is dedicated for people who has foot fetish but I don't really mind as long as I am now showing my private part. I also think it is fun since you're just gonna take a pic of your foot and you're gonna earn money from that. But it is not as easy as I thought.
I was filling up the application form. I was committed that when they asked for three feet pics sample I really went to the bathroom to wash my feet so it looks presentable for the photo. They even asked for a government issued ID which I complied to all of it. I thought I was good to go. But the last part was what made me back out. I have to pay for a subscription fee to be an official member of the website.
I forgot how much it was asking for but it wasn't that costly. I mean I would pay for it regardless if it was worthy of subscription fee or not but the problem is I don't have that amount of money. So yes now I'm on another job hunting day because I can't just sit in the house and let myself starve. Girl, I have to support myself. I wanna pamper myself.
PE Narrative Journey
So our PE instructor asked us to write an essay on what we learned from the program. I learned a lot actually.
I started my cardiovascular and muscular exercises in the last week of July. I could tell that through that journey I found a drastic improvement of my fitness. I am thankful for this program because I learned a lot of lessons along the way including the helpful tips on how to keep up with the demand of this project.
It became easier for me to finish the sets which means I gained endurance. My resting heart rate is now within the normal range unlike before when it was below the range. The exercises also helped me improve my time management skills because now I am able to juggle the school activities, exercises, house chores, and time for myself. It was a struggle at first but over time I grew accustomed to this busy life. It feels so relaxing every time I finish the exercise, it makes me feel like I nurtured a big part of me. I am also happy because this journey pushed me out of my limits and made me enjoy things I thought I would never enjoy. This program also let me experience how it feels like to be a mentor. This is where I learned the importance of discipline. I was pressured at first because I did not want to disturb other people since each of us has our own agenda in life. But when my trainee confided to me that she is happy that she is guided to do the active lifestyle, I felt a relief and tried my best to be a better mentor. Since my mom is my trainee, the program became a way for my mother and I to create a stronger bond.
I learned a lot of lessons from this program and the most important one is the essence of keeping an active lifestyle. Nutrition is not effective alone, it should be paired with exercise. Exercising also improved my mood and fitness. That's why we should encourage other people to practice the same because KUNG FIT AKO, FIT FIN DAPAT SILA. (*Translation: If I am fit, then they should be too.*)
I'm Losing My Color
Back in elementary until summer before I went to high school, there was this story I wrote about a girl who is friends with a dance group. I can't quite remember the flow of the story now since it has been around six years ago but I remember I enjoyed the process of writing it. I once stayed up because my idea was overflowing and I didn't want it to disappear if I wait until morning but I do remember it was a crazy idea tho because I made the main character to sleep in a refrigerator. No acceptable reason, I just wanted to write a conflict because the story was bland revolving around dance practices and little flirting scenarios.
Current me would laugh and cringe at that story if only I kept it for future reading. Unfortunately, I burnt or threw it so my mom wouldn't read it because I don't want her to think that I am invested in romance at a young age. It would be fun to critique my old writing and be proud of myself for the improvement of my writing skills over the years.
However, it is sad that I am losing my color. What I mean by this is, although younger me has poor writing skills compared to me now, it is undeniable that she was more nurturing of the skills that she has. How come I was able to fill that three or four notebook? Now I can't even write that much and I also lost the interest to read. I can't tell that it's because I am busy in college because I sure do have time to surf the internet or play mobile games.
I don't know how to bring her back. Every time I try, I would find an excuse. Maybe I just need a deeper self reflection because honestly it scares me how I downgraded when it comes to making use of my skills. Hell, I used to practice piano and guitar. I would learn spanish every day. Now I am just a lazy college student who is late in passing her modules and barely participates in group activities.
Like really I have been trying to improve myself for so many months. It is evident in my articles but I keep coming back to the square one. But I am proud of myself for being self-aware of these destruction that I am in and for finding a way to improve myself no matter how struggling I am.
May all of us be in good hands.
Will Fixing My Posture Make Me Hot?
I'm not really blessed with a good posture so fixing it or to have a proper one has always been in my bucket list. It is something I do once in a while that I would completely forget about just within less than a minute of trying to keep it straight.
It is one of my insecurities but sometimes I intentionally just let my back go fold like a banana to create an impression of submissiveness. Well I have this personality conflict where I want to look like a confident person who had experienced all the bad things in life but at the same time I also want to look innocent like someone who has no idea what the word 'lie' is. I think that is one of the reasons why I am struggling to keep a proper posture. So as a solution, I've been thinking of ways to appear innocent but still keeping a good back.
Apparently, the reason why I am writing this one is because I have been experiencing backache for the past few days. It started when I moved sleeping to the couch because my brother is occupying the bed. Imagine the angle difference of my neck and my back which is causing this agony, I'm just thankful I haven't gotten a stiff neck yet. And when I do my schoolwork, I don't have a proper place. We don't have a table here nor a chair so what I do is sit on the floor and place the laptop on the couch. My back would hurt and legs would hurt because I do not have any choice but to fold them.
Back when I was in senior high school, my friend and I bought this posture corrector. It looks like this one:
I wore it for a week but eventually got tired so I got rid of it. It is frustrating when I do something and stop it or when I am not consistent of a healthy habit. I guess everyone feels the same. I just look back and think to myself "*If you didn't stop, you have probably come a long way but what did you do? You chose to waste your time*".
I think the same when I think of myself back then when I would do workouts every evening. If only I went on with that I probably have a but now but instead I stopped and now my bottom is as flat as a pancake. There is a lot of regrets actually especially those simple beauty tips that I followed but didn't consistently do. Like putting ice on face, doing facial exercises, and more. My laziness makes me sad.
So as for now, we'll work on my posture. Actually writing this whole article right now my back is straight up :) Let's see I keep this posture throughout the night while I do my schoolworks and let's see if it would make me more appealing. Byebye!
I Found Sugar Daddies
Last night I don't know what came to my mind but I posted on Reddit about looking for a sugar daddy. I can't tell if it is just a joke but partly it is and partly it's serious. I mean I don't want to ruin my dignity and also I am practicing to be a lady who could support her own but half of me is struggling financially so I need to earn without much effort because I already have my studies to take care of.
Those are the "sugar daddies" that I found. I was confident because I did not reveal any personal detail except for my age and where I am from. The challenging part is choosing the real one out of all these men. Many of them claimed that they will spoil me if I stay loyal and obey them. I decided to make a negotiation with them where I set my boundaries and made clear of the things I am uncomfortable of. I asked money as a downpayment before I invest my time on them because I don't want my time to be wasted. It is also to create a perception that I am someone who's done this many times and shouldn't be fooled around.
I asked an initial payment of $10 when they ask to see me or before I invest my time on them. Because if they really are rich they shouldn't hesitate on sending that one because if I was a scam, that amount is something they could totally shrug off once I run away with it.
I immediately turned down those who asked for nudes. I found some who told me that they will pay me just for my company. It would be strange if you get paid just for spending time with that person without doing anything risky but I know people who has the same set up so I believed for a moment. Many offered to give me $2000 weekly allowance which is a big fortune so I brought who seems to be a reliable guy to my instagram where we could do proper negotiation.
So I asked him to transfer $1000 to my paypal account to see if he is not kidding. When he sent that picture as a proof that he is currently transferring money to me, I was shocked for a moment because I thought I'm really gonna be a sugar baby for real. But then I read the part where he encircled it yellow and I'm like, "no way, where can I find the $30 immediately?" It says I have to send $30 first before I could receive my $1000.
The I thought there's just no way. I'm glad I read what he sent over and over again then I realized it was just paypal asking him the purpose of the money transfer. Then he answered as if pretending to be paypal. I'm also glad I noticed that the text is grammatically wrong. I also searched on google if you have to pay before you could receive the money which the answer was no. It is crazy how he swore to karma. I bet he has done this scam a lot of times and I wonder if karma is real? As you can see his name is instagram user now, it's because I told him he is a scam and pointed out the things why I say so.
Lesson learned: Do an actual work.
Gcash Is Testing My Patience
I am really furious right now that at the moment of writing this article I feel like throwing my laptop or smashing its keyboard. I have to manage my anger though without causing any damage so I'm punching the air instead once in a while to keep my cool. Here's why.
I am not really a gcash user since I don't have money in the first place. Not until I made a generous internet friend who insists on sending me money so I could buy foods. I think he feels bad for me because I always tell him that I am always hungry because I can't buy foods due to tight budget. So I reactivated my gcash account that has been abandoned for as long as I can remember. It is not verified because I did not really paid attention to it when I made the account knowing that I won't have money for cashing in. But now I need to verify it so I could cash out the money because when it is not verified, the place where I could purchase is very limited since not all shops have a gcash scanner.
So I've been trying to verify my account since September 14 - realizing that it's been more than a month is making me angrier right now. The problem is I keep attempting to scan the back front of my ID but it always says unreadable. I keep trying then the screen would suddenly freeze and when I check again, it is already in the process of verifying. The thing is you have to wait for 7 days before they confirm if your account is verified or the verification was denied, and for sure mine would always be rejected because I didn't get the chance to fill up the information form after the screen froze. It is so annoying that I have to wait for another 7 days before I could try to re-verify.
I reached out to them about that and they told me they would delete my existing account so I could re-verify. Which I agreed to. They told me it would take 48 hours before they could transfer the funds of my deleted account to my new account but grrrr it has been more than 48 hours and I'm still not getting my money back.
I am really mad right now I feel like my blood is boiling. Some nerve of my head is throbbing out of anger. I got other things to do which I couldn't start because this gcash is bugging me so much. I'm rating it 1 star.
ps. lead image from Google
We Went to the Longest Bridge In the Philippines
Today we went to the longest bridge in the Philippines. I thought today was just a normal day but then this morning my brother told me that we are going somewhere to celebrate my aunt's birthday. Of course I got excited when he said that we are going to Cordova because that means we will get through the Cordova-Cebu Link Expressway (CCLEX). CCLEX is the longest bridge in the Philippines and I've always wanted to pass through that bridge ever since its opening.
It might appear nothing special in the picture but I swear in person it is admirable and worthy of pictures. I just happen to have poor camera quality and I was sitting at the back of the car so I can't get a good angle. The view is amazing especially the cleanliness of the bridge. If you happen to go here, do not forget to take a look of the Cebu skyline and open the car window to enjoy the breeze.
So at the end of the CCLEX there will be a gate where you will be charged for the tool fee. This is a funny story because you either pay it with cash or RFID. My uncle has RFID but he thought it doesn't have a balance so he was about to pay for the tool fee with cash when the staff asked him if he has RFID. He said yes and was about to ask if he could load it some balance but the staff said that he can't because it already has a huge amount in it. It turns out, his RFID has a balance of 49k. Thanks to the company where he worked at.
At Cordova, we went to Parola restaurant.
There we ate foods and took a lot of pictures. This restaurant is called Parola (lighthouse in english) because it is located by the seashore. The view is amazing but unfortunately it is kind of stormy so the sky was dark and the sea was a bit angry but it calmed down by 6 pm.
Now I have to go and take a rest because I got tired from the travel and I am also very full so I need to relax. Tomorrow is an opening of a grand school event, I'll keep you updated if I could attend it! I also have a job interview for at 7 pm. Wish me luck!
Farewell Party To Our University Nurse
A back story - As a scholar in my school, we have to complete 90 hours of duty as part of the contract. So I joined this emergency response team where every duty hour will be multiplied into two so that it will be easier for me to complete the said hours. In first year of college, I was not able to meet these people because the set up was online class. But the following school year, I got to meet them. I don't regret joining this team despite of our presence always being demanded (we are invited in every school event in case of emergency) because they are very awesome people.
Every day each of us are scheduled for our clinic duty where we help the nurse vaccinate our fellow students. Usually we just keep the students in order so the clinic won't get crowded or we help the students organize their vaccine and vaccine cards. But eventually, Ms. Lei, our clinic nurse let us help her vaccinate the students so we could also practice on how to inject.
She is really nice when it's off duty but strict during the duty hour which I admire because it is a professional behavior. She is the one who taught me the proper hand placements while injecting which is a big help because when we had our return demonstrations, our clinical instructor already assumed we know the drill already so he didn't specify the hand placements.
Sadly, she is resigning because she has to focus on her review because she is aiming for America. So yesterday we celebrated a farewell party (in our language it is called *despidida*).
We all stayed in the clinic as we wait for her to arrive. She was at the guidance office celebrating another despidida party prepared for her by the school.
It took around 2 hours so we had fun on our own while waiting for her. We improvised a karaoke. One member brought a microphone and speaker then we connected it to the computer (the same computer we used to monitor the medical supplies inventory and record of the vaccinated students). Then we searched on youtube karaoke songs and we sang along.
We turned off the lights and went club mode where we would dance and jump while we shake our phone with the flashlights on. Some improvised colored disco lights by covering their flashlight with an alcohol bottle which illuminated green and pink lights.
And when Ms. Lei arrived, we ate, we were really hungry and tired at this point because of dancing. We had pizza, cake, pudding, lasagna, and soft drinks.
Since we are an emergency response team, what do you expect? Our party ended when we were called for an emergency because someone fainted in the Battle of the Bands event. Until our next party, amazing friends! And to Ms. Lei, I hope you get there to America and good luck on your journey po.
Lurking In The Dark 24
I was in the middle of a desert, surrounded by nothing but the oceans of sand stretched far. The sun was directed on land in straight angle that my shadow was shaped into a ball right below me, yet I couldn't feel any heat. I felt small and heavy, squinting my eyes hard from the shining light of the sun. The place felt hopeless like a den of death, waiting for me to collapse in the middle. I didn't know the way out, I didn't know why I was here. All I know was my desire to be away, away from this lifeless place but nobody seemed to be coming to rescue me. I was alarmed of what was happening, I wanted to cry for being alone in this place yet I couldn't help myself to. All I did was look around and look around, waiting for a miracle.
"Where am I? Help!" I screamed, and strangely my voice echoed though there were no mountains or obstacles for the sound waves to bounce back. It was like screaming into a well.
A blurry image of someone walking towards me appeared. It was strange since the surrounding was in sharp edges yet the person was blurry, I couldn't see his face at all. He held his hand to me and I didn't know why I reached for it, I didn't know him. But as I touched his cold hands, the edges sharpened until I could finally made out his face.
"Drev?" I whispered under my breath and it echoed again. Everything disappeared and I was suddenly aware that it was only a dream. I sat on my bed, thinking of the dream. But used of having dreams, pleasant or not, I just came downstairs to have a drink. I saw Drev sitting on the couch at the living room with the telephone held up to his ears. I rolled my eyes as I went straight to the kitchen. "Saleri again."
I finished drinking and as I put the glass in the sink I noticed Drev leaning against the door frame of the kitchen entrance. "Why are you still up?" His hair was a mess like it had been ruffled and uncombed for years. His hands were crossed on his chest. "Aren't you supposed to be asleep?"
I shrugged. "I had a dream, that's why. How about you?" I asked although it was clear that it was because Saleri. I leaned against the sink and listened to the humming song coming out from the midnight radio. I wondered if he put it on to make himself in mood as he flirted.
"I hope it was a pleasant dream," he said and I nodded in assurance that it was. He walked up to me and leaned against the sink beside me. He drew a long sigh. "What would you do if the person you care about is in danger?"
"Is this some kind of 3am talk about life and bla bla bla?"
He chuckled. "Maybe," he answered, running his finger through his hair and looking at it for a fall out, I guessed. "What would you do?"
"Save that person no matter what it takes, of course. Even it means risking my own life because what is the point of living if the person I love is gone? Why? Is Saleri in danger?"
"Right," he answered, ignoring my question regarding Saleri. Maybe he looked stressed lately because he was having a hard time choosing between the two girls. And in the moment of silence he added, "You like that guy, Relis."
I looked at him in shock. "Am I that obvious?" It was already too late when I realized it shouldn't had been my response. I should have denied yet I was caught off guard that it was hard to think at all of what to say.
He shook his head. "I mean, not really. But it's just that we are always together so I just seemed to solve the puzzle. All those late arrivals to hunt class, always sitting right next to him, and the way you blushed when you have a small talk." I blush?
"Keep you mouth shut." I glared at him. He shook his head in amusement and his hair swayed freely as well. "Don't tell anybody, Drev." There was a sudden dimming of the light and quick soft motion landing on my lips, I shook my head and everything was back to normal.
"I won't." Drev stood straight, placing his hand inside his pockets. "Good night, Grassi."
Why I Left Social Media?
About three days ago, I deactivated my facebook and messenger. It's because I want to take a break from social media for a while and probably leave it for good once I get too comfortable without it. I have been thinking of doing this move since I received that break up text from my ex last July, but it wasn't until recently when I finally got a concrete plan on how to make things work without social media. Unfortunately, messenger is very important because my friends and family use it. Offline texting is not an option because you would have to spend money to buy some load and let's say I have the money to do so, the person I texted might won't be able to reply because he or she is the one who doesn't have load.
So what I did was create a new account where I used a pseudonym and added only the important contact people. I added my mother, older brother, bestfriend, and that one groupmate. Yes, one of the reasons why I couldn't leave facebook is because of school where we have to do group learnings and other group activities that is why I can't completely leave facebook. Instead, I just left my main account where I have a lot of internet friends whom I can't even confide to in times of hardships. I also hated my main account because I cared too much about the number of reacts and comments I would get, it's ruining my simple enjoyment of things because when I post I would get the desire to get high numbers. Now I feel happier that my main conversations that happen in a day is mostly in real life.
I also less care about the number of likes. I stopped posting things though and the selfies that I take are kept to myself. I kinda miss the attention from other people but I am prioritizing my mental health now. I am tired of seeing flawless edited people. I am tired of seeing people convince you to buy their skincare product knowing that it's not really as good as they claim it to be.
About two months ago, I deleted my instagram. I hated it because being there would get me the urge to seek validation and compliments from other people. One day I just woke up and ask myself "Why care? As long as you're happy". Best decision I made honestly. There are times when I think of making an account again but then I would just take a look at that day where I realized that social media is toxic then I'm fine again.
I'm not convincing everyone to leave social media because you know it has a different effect on each individual. Doesn't mean I find it toxic then it means it is also toxic for everyone. It depends because some people find it very helpful where they shared useful information with each other, make new friends, and connect with your loved ones. I am just saying for you guys to be reminded to use social media in moderation. And one thing, if you think you are very bombarded with things and you feel too burnt out, maybe you need to take a break from social media. Stop being there for people who wouldn't be there for you.
Taking My Family On a Food Date Using My Read.cash Earnings
Yesterday I decided to take my family on a treat but without my father and older brother. My father can't go with us because he has arthritis while my older brother is in the city. I cashed out my earnings from read.cash which was Php 1,ooo and planned on spending everything on foods because this one's in my bucket list.
Our first stop was Sebu Cha - it's a milktea cafe. They didn't know how to order so I ordered their drinks myself. I chose the same drink for us except for my sister who ordered for herself. Usually, when I order my milktea, the sugar level is always zero because I wanna taste the flavor of the drink and not just the artificial sweetness. So I ordered no sugar for my drink and decided to put 25% sugar level for them because I'm thinking that not everyone has the same taste as mine and they probably prefer the sweet one. It was a mistake because they complained about the taste, they didn't like it. They said it was bitter and bland at the same time. I should've ordered for around 75% or 100% for them. I'll do better next time. It was fun though because they kept laughing about the taste and even teased for being a bitter person.
Then we bought streetfood. They had boiled quail egg battered with orange coating (we call it kwek-kwek) and tempura. My sister was really happy because she never had that so many kwek-kwek in one eating. But her and my younger brother haven't had enough foods so they went on for some balut. I really enjoyed watching them eat balut and complaining about how spicy the vinegar was. It's like I am already full just by watching them eat and be happy.
We took a couple of pictures and when it was about to get dark, we went to the pet store, the same pet store we went to last week. It's not really a pet store because there were no pets for sale, all there was were pet stuffs like collar, dental chew, and toys. Those kind of stuffs. My brother wanted to buy a fish but I had to make him choose between a fish and a fishnet that he likes because I couldn't afford both. Without hesitation, he chose the fishnet because he will be using it to catch some guppy fish in the neighborhood canal. He has a DIY fishnet actually, it was a food strainer and he was embarassed to bring it because all of his friends has real fishnets so I bought him it. I also bought a dental chew for our dog.
Our last stop was 7-eleven where I bought them drinks of their choice and junkfoods to end the night. Then we went home. I really enjoyed the day because I saw them very happy. I don't mind spending my money at all because money comes back and to make memories is more worth it. There's nothing wrong on putting yourself first but learn how to share your blessings too.
And lastly, our dog loves the dental chew that he would get mad when we try to take to away from him hahahahah! I will go now I have an exam. Share your blessing!
The Little Women Movie Review
Today I decided to reward myself with binge watching because exam week is over and I realized I wouldn't be able to watch a movie again once I get back to my aunt's house (it's where I stay while in college because it is close to the school). I watched about three or four episodes of Spy Family and four episodes of Maria Clara and Crisostomo Ibarra. But the movie that I will be reviewing and commenting on right now is the last one I watched today which is The Little Women directed by Greta Gerwig, because the movie touched my heart and made me sentimental about life.
It is about four sisters who each had their own characteristics, different personalities, and passions in life. The oldest was Meg and she married a penniless tutor (as what their aunt march called him). She was really in love with him but she would later on have a problem with their marriage because the tutor could not provide the things she fancies. She wanted a fancy life and was suited to be an actress on stage but she was so in love that she left this dream and ended up to be a housewife who takes care of her two children. I can't help but made her life sound really miserable, don't mind that. In fact, at the end of the movie, she grew contented of the life her husband could provide so it's not really as horrible as I made it seem.
The second daughter is Jo, she is my favorite in terms of personality because she is fun and she doesn't really care about what boys think. She doesn't try to be pretty or impress anyone. I think that's the reason why their wealthy neighbor fell in love with her. I think the other reason why she's my favorite is because she is Timothee Chalamet's (Laurie in the movie) love interest in the movie. I mean, who would want to be his lady, right? And she is a writer who sees enjoyment in life as an inspiration to write something.
The third one is Beth. She is the silent girl of the March sisters. She plays the piano and prefers to stay in the corner. She is the breeze the calms down her other sisters. She reminds me of a person who pushes everyone to pursue their passion because she really showed her support to Jo's writing and would always tell her how pretty her works are. You know we need someone in life who would keep us interested in our likes.
The youngest is Amy. I like her because she likes classy things, though I hate her impulsiveness when she burnt Jo's writings after she wasn't invited to a theater. She is good at painting and she is in love with Laurie. I like her because she seemed to be the most successful of them all after she went to Europe to pursue her dream as an artist. There in Europe where she got engaged to Laurie. I kinda feel sad in this part because just when Jo finally loves him back, he's now engaged to Amy.
The story is sad and happy at the same time. Because I witnessed how the four sisters grew out from each other. They pursued their different paths. The most melancholic part would be the part where they would go home to the house where they grew up and they would look at the corner and reminisce what happened. It's crazy how we wouldn't know how far we have reached until we saw something from the past that would take back all the memories. I kinda hate when that happens because it would make me sad, possibly cry, but I guess that's how life works. I have a life motto but after watching this it made me realize the importance of growth so now I'm adding another one to my life motto. It would be "Support their growth even if it means them outgrowing you." I'm sure there is a better phrasing than that but that's what I could manage right now.
I didn't value growth that much not until my boyfriend and I had to part ways for our own growth because we were starting to run out of space to grow so that movie really affected me. I might be sad because we are no longer together but at the same time I'm happy because now I would have everything it takes to become the best version of myself. To Gab, cheers to our success.
I'm In Solitary Again
Yesterday I was doing fine. I had a great time playing with my dog, and my mom bought me a pack of fudgee barr which made me really happy. But as what everybody says, real sadness hits when night comes. So I was doing my usual night routine which is to do my schoolworks while scrolling through TikTok at the same time since the activity was not something that required my full attention. Then I don't know what came to my mind but I suddenly found myself reading old chats with my ex. Maybe I just missed being called Kiro so I searched those messages where he called me by that, and I ended up reading the whole thing.
As expected, just when I thought I have finally moved on because I stopped stalking his social media, here I am back to being sad. Actually, I wanted to write a fictional love story but every time I try to, I ended up hating to start it because I don't think a love that doesn't leave exist. I don't wanna think about him. I don't wanna recall why he had to end it. So my writing is focused on the things that I have been up to, convincing myself that only good things happened ever since we parted ways. But one day, I might be able to tell our story and I won't cry or get hurt and that's when I knew I have moved on. But for now, I'll be bittersweet of keeping our memories to myself.
Back to last night while I was reading the old chats, I couldn't stop smiling. It didn't appear to my mind that these two people talking right now ended their journey being together months later. All I felt was the happiness and chemistry felt by these people, smiling wildly as they sent their messages. I felt it. He was happy to be with me, and I was happy to be with him...only in that moment perhaps.
I didn't want more sad thoughts so I decided to call my friend. He is the friend I talked about in this article: https://read.cash/@Kiro/the-guy-from-omegle-528d0998
But he didn't talk to me. He focused on his games and studies which I understood. I completely understand if he stops giving me attention because I keep pushing him away anyway. He didn't even reply to my text today. He used to spam me messages. Also I saw him delete his message from last night where he told me he'll wait for me to wake up. Why do I feel sad if this is what I wanted? For him to keep distance from me? I don't understand. But if he decides that I am not healthy for him, I hope he leaves without looking back at me. I would be very happy for him because it means he chose himself and his peace of mind. I shouldn't act victim like I'm the one who's hurt.
And me? In my solitary again. I will use this time to look into myself and see what I really want in life. People come and go, I should stop being attached. I wish it was anyway to figure out someone so we didn't have to keep hurting ourselves as we deal with other people.
Lazy Day With Lots of Deadlines
October 5, 2022
I woke up today around 6 am and I wish I went straight to put on my shoes and go for a jog for my PE activity but I didn't. I have two pending task in PE, the first one's deadline was four days ago and the second one is this Saturday. I don't have the motivation to do the exercises because I don't see its relevance to my course. I have been passing my PE activities 3-4 days late ever since I started letting myself be carried by laziness. I also have modules to answer with a deadline tonight but nah, I just wanna do a movie marathon. That may sound disappointing compared to my performance last year where I push myself to the limit and pass the activities on time despite the hectic schedule, it sounds a relief to see myself get loose with the rules.
I am trying to enjoy my teenage years (kinda sad this year's my last one). This means I'll put myself first over the academic validation that I have been seeking for most of my schooling years. This doesn't mean I'll settle on failed grades though. What I mean is that I don't get too tight on myself when it's about finishing the task. Just the same as getting a boyfriend but still being able to be a top student.
For real, I am surprised by the amount of effort I am putting on this current semester. I stopped reading my modules, I stopped loading myself with school activities, and I stopped caring much about the deadline. I'm happy though because despite of the weak effort I am giving, I am happy because I am still making progress. I guess my excitement for school when I was a three-year old worn out in high school. I'm just trying to get through college without retaking the subject because that would cost a lot of money, time, and effort. You know I'm a lazy person but still I want to go abroad for a brighter future so I get paid well and I get to spoil my parents with vacation and with the things that they want and need without having to look at the price.
Guess who has deadlines today? Me. Am I gonna do the activities? Nope.
I just wanna be lazy today. I promise to myself I'll be productive tomorrow.
Anyone here who knows where i could apply as a freelance writer? I am college student and would like to earn money for my allowance. I also want to practice my writing skills.
Just Got a Septum Piercing
Writing this right now because to kill time because I'm really impatient for the shoes I ordered online. I ordered a piercing kit last September 22, 2020 and it took around 8 days before it got delivered. I didn't hesitate to pierce my nose septum because it is the reason why I ordered the kit. Also I have been wanting it for years. I remember pinching my nose to locate the thin tissue where to pierce but never I imagined that I'm gonna be having this septum piercing a lot sooner than I thought. While waiting for it, I tried my best not to think of it every day so I don't get impatient (but I failed though because I tracked my order daily). Which also meant I didn't made research on how to pierce correctly because I'm pretending on not waiting for it to arrive.
So as soon as I received it, my younger brother volunteered for a septum piercing which I gladly took the offer so I could practice. Take note I didn't do research so yes you got it right, I hit the wrong spot. It was uneven and painful since I hit a cartilage when it was only supposed to be a soft tissue. I also pierced it on the middle when it was supposed to be on the higher side of the nose. But he was cool with it. I didn't realize that mistake not until I got mine done by myself.
I bled but not a lot. I was also alarmed by the snot attack because I'm thinking it would increase the risk on infection. The other reason why I was hesitant of getting a septum piercing was because of my allergic rhinitis. But I am desperate so I took the risk and hope for the best that nothing happens to the wound why I'm having sneeze attacks ahahahha! It was painful, probably the most painful piercing I ever done myself. My eyes kept watering and I could hear the needle tearing through the body tissue. And when it was done I was disappointed because the piercing was slanted and it was not on the right spot. I wasn't satisfied so I ended up removing it the following day and letting it heal for 24 hours. After that I pierced my septum again but it was now on the right spot. It was less painful and the jewel was a lot easier to flip up now (it's how you keep it out of sight).
My brother also got his removed but he told me he'll have me done it again which really made me happy that he still trusts me to do his septum piercing though I messed it up the first time. By the way, our parents found out about it but only when we already got it removed. And I posted the video of me piercing him and three of my friends actually wanted me to pierce them. It really made me happy, they even ask me how much for the fee. Nope, I'm not charging. Still is a win-win because they would get to have their dream piercing, and as for me, I get to practice. But I am not really a newbie, I have been piercing people since I was in 9th grade (but all of them were earlobe piercings).
I don't have a picture of the second time thought but it looks a lot better and hurts less. I haven't redone my brother's yet because he is busy with social life and school but we'll get it done sooner before I leave the town again. If you are planning on getting a piercing, this is a sign for you. ;)
Confirmation Day
October 2, 2022
Yesterday I had my confirmation. If you're confused what that is, it is part of the 7 Holy Sacraments a Roman Catholic person should follow. I'm not a religious person, I can even go a whole year without going to church. I also used to spend break time with my classmates from high school talking about the flaws of religion, and pretty much just looking for anything to invalidate their beliefs.
The confirmation was really boring to me. I think the only exciting part that I enjoyed was dressing up in white with a lace handkerchief sitting on top of my head because it makes me feel like a pure innocent girl. I also did my make up which boosted my confidence as I walked around the church for the ceremony. Everyone was wearing white with white veil. We were all carrying a candle and when we answer the priest, we would raise a candle and murmur something. I'm not sure what to murmur, I was just copying their movement with no idea what was going on. When the ceremony ended, I took off my mask to show off my piercing. You would say it's no big deal but it actually is because you would never see a person in my town who has this. And... it's in the church. I don't wanna judge but most church people are against piercings and tattoos so I'm really proud of myself for being courageous.
I don't know what the purpose of the confirmation is but I complied to it because of my mother, and also they said that you couldn't get married in a catholic church if you haven't done this sacrament. It's not like I'm planning to get married in the future but just in case. Hahaha.
After that we went to 7-eleven to buy some snacks. There's nothing feels better than buying foods for your mother and sister with your own money. We took our time eating the foods and chatting about random stuffs before we went to a pet store where my sister bought two danios fishes and some things for our dog. The place hyped me up because it was my first time going to such place. It made me sad at the same time tho because I saw cat treats and foods. It reminded me of my cat, Icaro.
Icaro is the only cat I ever had. I only got to take care of him for four months before he got hit by a car. Within that short period of time, I got really attached to his gentleness and snobness which results to me thinking of him at random times though it has been 3 years since he ran free. I really loved him. I remember daydreaming of getting a job and earning an actual money so I could buy him cat foods and spoil him with toys. But unfortunately I didn't get that chance because he passed away early.
Well I'm thinking getting a new one but no cat could ever replace my Icaro. Anyway back when I saw the cat treats at the store, I felt a surge of sadness but life goes on so yeah. Then we went to a furniture shop. The furnitures were secondhand and the place was really hot so we didn't stay long there. But I found some cool chinese figurines wearing a traditional kimono placed inside a glass box. The features of the woman you could really tell she's chinese because of the porcelain face, slant eyes, small lips, and the traditional tiara hair. I liked it but then I've seen enough horror films to know I shouldn't buy that stuff because it would probably move at night so hard pass. God knows, the past owner probably died and possessed the doll with her spirit.
By the way, I'm getting all spooky I have scared myself hahahah that I actually flinched when a loud motorcycle passed by so I gotta end it here so I could sleep. I still have classes tomorrow. Enjoyed this day.
The Guy From Omegle
October 2, 2022
About two months ago, I met this guy on omegle. You know omegle is a dating site but I was there only to have someone to talk to since I have been away from my family for a while. And also I needed to stay awake because I was reviewing for my exam. You might say why look for someone to talk to? You wouldn't be able to focus on the reviewers but I guess it worked for me because I am one of the top scorer.
So at first we were cool. The vibe was really platonic and chill which I really liked. We would ignore each other for the majority of the day because we would focus on our own thing. I would spend my day in school or doing schoolwork at home, and he would spend his doing house chores or studying japanese language. After that we would call each other past 10 pm because that is the time when his parents are asleep. I liked that setup though I have to admit it means sacrificing my sleep because before I met him, I would sleep even before 10 pm.
Weeks go by and the set up changed. He declared that he loves me which I find absurd since I just got out from a break up so I'm in a healing stage and the break up really taught me not to get carried away by the sweet words. He would message me often which I find annoying because now I have the obligation to reply when all I want in life right now is to fully move on from my ex and focus on my studies. But ironically, I can't really push him away because he is a really nice guy.
And I'll admit it, he treats me better than my ex. He would call me. Update me from time to time on what he's doing so I don't get worried if he is already cheating or what. He would send me gifts. He would put me first. When I think of it, it really annoys me that the things I wish my ex did are being done by someone I cannot reciprocate my feelings to. I don't get it. I'm already being treated right and now I'm the toxic one? Time must be so playful. If only I met this guy when I wasn't in my healing phase then I would probably fall in love with him.
Though it makes me guilty that I cannot like him the way that he likes me, I am proud of myself for being honest with him. I have made it clear to him that I haven't moved on from my ex. I have also told him not to invest in me (and even before he developed feelings, I already told him that I am not ready to deal with someone romantically). But still I'm on fault because I keep entertaining him when my words keep telling him to stay away.
Ugh, I don't know what to do. I wish he didn't met me.
@Kiro
