I'm In Solitary Again
Yesterday I was doing fine. I had a great time playing with my dog, and my mom bought me a pack of fudgee barr which made me really happy. But as what everybody says, real sadness hits when night comes. So I was doing my usual night routine which is to do my schoolworks while scrolling through TikTok at the same time since the activity was not something that required my full attention. Then I don't know what came to my mind but I suddenly found myself reading old chats with my ex. Maybe I just missed being called Kiro so I searched those messages where he called me by that, and I ended up reading the whole thing.
As expected, just when I thought I have finally moved on because I stopped stalking his social media, here I am back to being sad. Actually, I wanted to write a fictional love story but every time I try to, I ended up hating to start it because I don't think a love that doesn't leave exist. I don't wanna think about him. I don't wanna recall why he had to end it. So my writing is focused on the things that I have been up to, convincing myself that only good things happened ever since we parted ways. But one day, I might be able to tell our story and I won't cry or get hurt and that's when I knew I have moved on. But for now, I'll be bittersweet of keeping our memories to myself.
Back to last night while I was reading the old chats, I couldn't stop smiling. It didn't appear to my mind that these two people talking right now ended their journey being together months later. All I felt was the happiness and chemistry felt by these people, smiling wildly as they sent their messages. I felt it. He was happy to be with me, and I was happy to be with him...only in that moment perhaps.
I didn't want more sad thoughts so I decided to call my friend. He is the friend I talked about in this article: https://read.cash/@Kiro/the-guy-from-omegle-528d0998
But he didn't talk to me. He focused on his games and studies which I understood. I completely understand if he stops giving me attention because I keep pushing him away anyway. He didn't even reply to my text today. He used to spam me messages. Also I saw him delete his message from last night where he told me he'll wait for me to wake up. Why do I feel sad if this is what I wanted? For him to keep distance from me? I don't understand. But if he decides that I am not healthy for him, I hope he leaves without looking back at me. I would be very happy for him because it means he chose himself and his peace of mind. I shouldn't act victim like I'm the one who's hurt.
And me? In my solitary again. I will use this time to look into myself and see what I really want in life. People come and go, I should stop being attached. I wish it was anyway to figure out someone so we didn't have to keep hurting ourselves as we deal with other people.
