Regretting My School
I am writing this today because I am really mad at the education system of my country. Back then, high school was only four years but then they added two more years. So now the original four years will be called junior high school while the added two years will be called senior high school. They said it would be beneficial for those people who couldn't go to college because the added two years will make them eligible for technical vocational jobs. So I didn't think of it much while I was a senior.
But guess what? Nothing changed. Job hiring would still look for a college graduate for a low salary. Imagine needing a college diploma to be a saleslady when in fact that is something even an elementary pupil could do as long as you could talk eloquently. It angers me when there is a job hiring for a cashier who at least have a bachelor's degree. Come on, a high school graduate could do that! I don't have any beef with the jobs I mentioned but clearly it is something you could do with excellence without a diploma.
College is really expensive. Time and effort is priceless. I am a second year nursing student now and I am frustrated at how terrible my school is. I was really excited when I went to this school because by first impression this school was cool because of the international students. Also their videos in the internet really convinced me to enrol to their school because of their quality facilities. But when face to face classes started this July I realized how bad it is, I almost wanted to transfer to other school.
I mean yes, the facilities are aesthetic. But how we got handled? No way. The system is not worthy of the tuition. The modules were from the internet as well as the quizzes and exams. The physical classes would be 2-3 days a week and it wasn't even a whole day which really sucks because I found a school that charges only half of our tuition with 5 days of classes a week. And also when I remember how useless the senior high school is, I involuntarily roll my eyes at how frustrated I am because I am supposed to be a graduating student by now if only they didn't add that extra years.
We also got exams every two weeks which is stressful. One subject would be taken for one month, imagine the rush. Most schools take one subject for the whole semester which is about 3 months. So when you feel one exam you don't really have much time to think about or be sad about it because you have to move on and take the next exam. As what my classmates would say, "You gotta be in the acceptance stage of grief before you could even read the first question". On our recent exam about almost two weeks ago, more than half of the class failed it. I am so glad I passed and got a good score but I don't think I could handle the stress if I were one of those people so kudos to them and I hope their mental health is okay.
Welp, I gotta stop bashing my school now. They ain't that bad when it comes to organizing school events. We are even probably the best in the whole city. ;)
You Aren't Real
I don't usually go to the Galliard plaza because it is a bit far from my apartment, but I overheard from the other table while I was eating lunch that there's gonna be fireworks. I would prefer to stay at home and do my schoolwork but I realized I need to have some fun and take a break so here I am ignoring the chilly air because I didn't anticipate that tonight's gonna be freezing. I am wearing a plain white shirt paired with a comfortable jogging pants. I didn't have to dress up since it's gonna be dark anyway, nobody's gonna see me, and why would I dress up for fireworks?
Strands of hair fell off to my face so I adjusted my clip and went to one of the benches to sit as I sat on a bench. Most benches were occupied mostly by lovers or group so it took me a couple of minutes before I found this spot. I rubbed my hands and as I felt the heat, I hugged myself to fight the cold.
"Mind if I sit here?" said a deep voice. With his tall build, I had to look up to see his face. The place was illuminated with yellow lights coming from a classic lamp so I couldn't make out the color of his eyes, but it was clear as daylight how pretty they were.
"No," I replied pushing myself to the far end side of the bench.
"I'm not gonna bite, you know." He laughed lowly I could almost feel the bench vibrating. "Actually, this one's for you." He handed me one of the two coffee he was holding. I could clearly see the smoke coming out from the cup.
I hesitated for a moment. *I'm cold, a hot coffee would help. And he's cute. And if he's a serial killer who targets college girls who are alone in public places then I don't mind since I don't have much things to do in life anyway*, I thought.
"Uh, thank you." I held the coffee in my hand and took a sip. I was surprised a bit when he sat on the other end of the bench, leaving a huge gap between us.
Maybe I looked so puzzled by this thought that he said, "I figured you'd feel better if I sit here."
We sat there in silence for which I was thankful about since I don't really know how to keep conversations. I found comfort when he didn't try to strike a conversation either. As the cold breeze splashes onto us, I smelt his masculine perfume. And I inhaled it, admired it, just as how I admire the smell of books and home.
"I find you pretty," he broke the silence. I felt like I could hear his heart beating fast.
It left me speechless. "Thank you. What's your name?"
"Ivan."
And the fireworks suddenly lightened the sky. I stared at him, he was staring back at me. The fireworks, the reason why I was here, was completely forgotten.
Tears escaped from my eyes. Ivan, I know him. The guy I keep seeing in my hallucinations. It's hard to believe he's back, and here to introduce himself to me again.
"Does this mean I have to go therapy again? Take those meds?" I chuckled to myself while crying. I thought I was done with this. Maybe I'm too lonely lately that he's actually back to keep me company. Though he comforts me, it doesn't comfort me knowing that he was only a product of my own thoughts.
"You know, I'm real," he answered.
I didn't reply knowing that believing him would mean losing. And I hate it. How I thought I'm doing better then suddenly I'm back to square one.
Romanticizing My Life: Entry 4
My throat hurtsss and I can't breathe using two of my nose flares. I was supposed to be asleep by now but I can't because of the struggle of breathing. My eyes keep watering and my mind is occupied about the upcoming exam tomorrow. Eh, it's 3 am by now so the exam's going to be hours later. I think it's funny how my schedule is really conflicted ever since I got into college. Imagine I was just a little kid who had the time of the world, who was free to go out and play with friends. And now setting plans with my friends is a challenge because we have different schedules whose free time doesn't coincide with one another. (*And I feel bad sometimes because when I'm free that's when I can't deactivate my hermit crab mode!*)
I miss the old days where I could read for hours without worrying about a schoolwork. Damn, so when I get a job it's gonna be busier than this huh? You know what, I'm not worried about the future because I don't think much of that lately—I am just going with the flow and doing my best in every present that I am in. What I am worried about is what if I'm being so caught up with these responsibilities that I forget to have fun? I don't want to look back on this day and regret missing fun opportunities. This reminds me, I miss my bucket list. I miss pasting toilet paper or tickets to my scrapbook. I miss writing lyrics though it was easy to search them on Google. I miss printing pictures that inspire me. I miss my journal.
Wow, I just realized now how much I missed a lot of things. May I find the joy in every present day so when I look back, I don't regret anything and I am filled with memories because I will never be as young as I am today.
Well, there's no right way of living life since we live life through different ways and would still get the same satisfaction and happiness. But for myself who lives in a parallel universe:
Hey, whatever you are doing right now (*you probably chose to sleep with your runny nose instead of waking up*) I hope that when you face another morning, you start it with a smile. And when sad thoughts about your ex-boyfriend appears because you saw a dog that looks like his dog, I hope you don't feel sad and mourn about the break up all day. You are beautiful. You are smart. And if you don't love yourself, don't worry you love yourself in this parallel universe where I exist.
I should go to sleep now.
Romanticizing My Life: Entry 3
I haven't even started my morning yet but I already felt tired. My back hurts after sleeping on the couch for days and slouching 24/7 in front of the laptop as I do my schoolwork. So I decided to do something today to reward myself, just a little stroll around the city. And when I say "a little stroll" I meant it to be really little.
I took a tour around the school campus with my new friends, more like acquaintance actually because I'm not really sure what their names are and neither do they with mine. We are just familiar with each other's faces because we're in the same club. It's one of those times where you have no intention of making friends yet you have to talk to them to keep the atmosphere light, so when you meet again after a couple of days you have already forgotten their name. No hard feelings though because I bet they feel the same.
Well, I got uncomfy around this one guy in our group. He is clingy and I could take a hint that he likes me. I hope he takes the hint that I do not feel the same! Because I don't want to reach the point where I have to be vocal on rejecting him. So eventually I left the group and went to the mall on my own where I decided to go window shopping. I just want to enjoy my own company and explore things on my own without having someone being worried if I'm okay enjoying. *Yes, I am enjoying I just normally don't talk so please stop asking for once in a while though I really appreciate you.*
And then I foundddd this prettyy dressss. <3
It's so pretty that I actually felt so baddd when I had to leave it on the rack and go because I can't afford it. It only costs around $4.5. While I was taking it off, I could actually hear myself saying no and my body not wanting to take off the dress at all. So when I left the mall, where I was supposed to feel alive because of the self time I had, I felt dry instead because I had to let it go.
I wish it was still there once I earn the money to buy that. :(
Title for today: The One That Got Away Dress
Romanticizing My Life: Entry 2
I passed all my exams and is able to finish my schoolwork on time at the cost of my mental health. It drains me everyday but it is rewarding to not be late. However, I do think that this productivity is toxic. You might say, "What's toxic about being productive?" so I'll explain. I push myself to the limits just so I could finish a project on time. I would sacrifice my sleep and mental health then I look around me and realized that people around me are not doing the same which I find unfair. They would choose fun over the responsibilities. Example they have a hang out with friends, they would choose that leisure over finishing the schoolwork on time. But if that was me, I would prioritize the schoolwork.
I don't know. Maybe I am just jealous of them for having the courage to ask for an extension so I ended up labeling them as irresponsible.
Enough of the negativity. I just had bangs days ago and I'm rocking it. Yesterday I even had the confidence to go out and feel good about myself. When I got home I had to do schoolwork though which tired me that I had fallen asleep without being able to wash my face. I'm kind of in a journey now about being consistent about my skin care, so hopefully by the end of 2022 my skin will be clear of any pimple marks.
Yo I'm not sure how the remaining months of this year are gonna be but I hope the things that I learned from my past mistakes will be put onto trial. I really want to see the improvement of my life decisions. But if it happens that I am back to same old lesson, then that's okay I'm just gonna forgive myself and start again.
Reminder: Be gentle to you.
Romanticizing My Life: Entry 1
I can't say my life has been better but it hasn't been going downhill either. There are these ups and downs over the months but I managed it all. However, not in a way that I like because if I were to describe my life management like a soup, it would be called bland. See I am able to pass my exams and smile at the results but I wasn't able to celebrate it like how I imagined it to be. I want to celebrate this small achievement in a cafe, alone and enjoying my cake and milk tea, but I'm a college student who's in a budget and is barely getting through the week with her allowance so nevermind. Am I being ungrateful of the small things or I'm just mad that I can't buy the foods that I'm craving for? Hahaha, anyway this "life literature series" as I call it is for the purpose of romanticizing my life so I'm not gonna focus on this negativity but for sure it will be part of it like a complementary chocolate syrup on an ice cream.
People say that money can't buy happiness but I doubt that since my problems will all be solved by money alone. Right now I am brokenhearted over a guy I wrote about from months ago and I'm sad yes, but I would feel a lot better if I had money and it was easy to buy a plane ticket to Paris. I don't even know why the first city to come to my mind was Paris knowing that it's the the city of love and I'm loveless. I'm not totally loveless since I am now in the process of learning how to love myself, accepting my flaws, and highlighting my facial assets.
Also I may not hang out with my friends a lot due to financial constraints (ughhh, collegeee!) but I am really enjoying my own company. Though I am not a people person and is not a fan of going out, I admit I am a little jealous that they get to go out. Welp to make it clear, I am not jealous that they are out with their friends, I am jealous that they CAN go out. I mean I can, but I just won't because before you could even get to where you wanted to be, I gotta spend half of my week allowance for the fare alone so nah.
Oh gosh, I thought this is about romanticizing my life. Why is this ranting about being broke?
Gone for Two Months
Wow it has been two months since my last post. Yes, I've been busy ever since I no longer live with my parents. They were the ones who helped keep things in order like my clothes for example and some other house chores. I live with my distant aunt right now which was really harmonic at first not until the other day. So I will start with my first month here.
I was able to grant the promise to myself of practicing a good dental hygiene. I now brush my teeth two times a day and I floss which really makes me happy thinking about it right now. It's a bit difficult that I now do my laundry on my own without the help of my mother but I really enjoyed the independence and the learning each day. I drink water more frequent than I used to ever since I got my own trendy Aquaflask. Almost everyone in school has this thing that students who can't afford it tend to get shy bringing their non-aquaflask water bottle. Now I'm planning on changing my whole wardrobe but it's something I can't do at the moment because of the financial constraint but I'm contented anyway. So yes let's talk about my relationship with my aunt.
There were no problems at first. Normally, I am someone who doesn't talk much so it was quite challenging for me to keep a conversation especially breaking the awkward silence as we eat together. But around the second week I got used to their presence, I wouldn't talk to them but I no longer feel awkward. In short, I would do things without minding their presence. I would like to talk about the other day and tell you how the harmony was disrupted but I don't wanna talk about it as of now.
It is surprising to me that I don't feel homesick since I used to think that I would feel lonely being far from my family but I see I was wrong. And yeah if you remember about that guy I was talking about from my past posts, he sent me a break-up text after three months of ghosting me which I really appreciate because it put my mind at peace though I hate the fact why the confirmation text was much later, it really drained me over those three months of waiting. But there's nothing I could do if that's what he wants...eh, I'll talk about him in other post soon but as of now I have to focus on studying. I have an exam this Saturday and I'm still chilling here. Hahaha, wish me luck.
Anxiety Over Excitement
This is it! My long awaited day is finally here, I am moving outtt. I may sound excited but actually I am really nervous. I can't help but smile when I reminisce those times when I wrote a diary entry about being excited for this day. I used to fantasize packing my things and leaning against the window while a sad song about growing up is playing in the background. Well, this day is nothing like I imagined. Preparing my things is quite stressful because I have to decided which clothes to bring and in the back of my mind, I am worried of how I will do on my own. I know I can do it but I'm sure it is not as easy as saying it.
Oh and these past weeks, I've been avoiding people. I don't really wanna hold a conversation at the moment because oh well I think I'm broken hearted. He has not been online for almost two months now. I may quite understand if he was just grounded from gadgets during the summer or he was on a vacation somewhere without internet. Those things had happened in the past so I didn't really mind when he disappears. But this time it is different. It's been two months and guess what! I saw his number of tweets change in number. Apparently he's been deleting some of his tweets (I don't follow him and his account is private) which makes me really sad every time I check because it means he just really chose to ignore me. :(
But it's okay. I'm trying to hold it together on my own though I can't avoid the times when I get really sad and I just cry because I wish he cared. I wanted to talk more about him but anyway this isn't about him, this is about my big day. So yeah I'm moving out, I'm gonna be hundreds of miles away from my family. I'm gonna be really homesick but it's for my growth so fighting!
Now I gotta sleep because tomorrow I'm traveling. Good night.
Simple Habits
Changing your lifestyle is a critical point in your life. And though it sounds very drastic, it takes only simple habits to do it. They are simple that you could do some of them within a minute but it's the commitment to do these habits that makes it difficult. You may be frustrated as you look at other people and see how healthy their lifestyle is compared to yours - and though to compare different individuals is toxic, it is unavoidable - so take this comparison as a motivation to start changing your life.
It may not be a big step, but it would make a contribution. You don't have to go straight working directly on your goal like starting a business. It may be small as brushing your teeth then flossing afterwards. My example may sound dumb but yeah that's what I'm thinking at the moment. It's because I saw a tiktok video about the importance of flossing and I'm like wow I should do this hahaha! And if you are not a drinker, you may start with one glass every after meal and in between meals. You may also exercise for a couple of minutes, aside that you're washing out toxins from your body through that, you are also helping yourself consume more water. Oh speaking of water, I know there are bottled water. What's the difference anyway aside from the different taste?
Life is not a race you know. But don't be so caught up with that adage, get up and try to make a difference. You don't wanna die just being frustrated at things you wanna do but too lazy to do, right?
Uhhh...
I don't know why I keep writing about self-improvement. I can't even wake up at 6 am to try and make a difference in my life. I'm only a teen, why is life this hard! What more would it be for adults? Now it's surreal to think that some people got to live past 100, I wonder what makes them happy that never get them bored of life. Good night!
I Miss Him
Right now I am listening to the playlists he made me. I'm not gonna mention a name but he is obviously someone I care about. He is not good with words, an introvert, someone who gets very anxious during oral recitations in school. So he uses songs as a way to verbalize how much he adores me, as what he said. The songs really comforts me whenever I have a doubt in our relationship. Well, we haven't talked for almost a month due to personal reason but there is nothing to worry about. You know, woman's instinct. My mind is totally at peace from the thought that he is with someone else. But if he is with someone and I am just being a martyr then so be it. Let karma do its job.
Actually, I try my best to write here as often as I can because I am in need of some money. I do not have other source of income but I guess that is fine because everyone expects me to just focus on my studies. But I wish they would at least give me some allowance for leisure, even $2 a month would help. It is mostly for my wardrobe because I am growing, most clothes don't fit either my size or style. Or maybe I'd save it for a plane ticket to see him? Nah.
Ugh I wish I was pretty. I know people who receive money as compliments. Imagine you posted a selfie because you are trying to boost your confidence and then suddenly someone sent you money because you look good. Must be lottery feeling. Speaking of lottery, how do you that?
To be frank, college diploma doesn't secure a bright future. We know people who did not graduate from college but are earning six digits a month or people who graduated and unemployed. And hard work doesn't guarantee a successful life. Just look at some rich people who doesn't work 24/7 but there are these people who have to juggle two jobs along with school but are still poor. Man, imagine a world where money is not a thing. How would that be?
I'm Sorry For All The Things I Put You Through
Have you ever had a time to reflect on life and realized how harsh you have been to yourself? I do. Though it makes me guilty sometimes, keeping myself busy to avoid thinking of my problems really helps. I would watch a movie to past the time. It would be 2 to 3 movies just to wait for the night so I could get straight to bed. I would wake up almost in the afternoon so I would have lesser time or none at all to think of things. And the rest are for playing mobile games for long hours. That might sound like only three activities that I did in a day but that really takes up all of my time.
The reason why I suddenly thought of that is because last night, I went out for a couple of minutes to look at the newly installed solar panel outside of the house. I looked around me and tried to remember what the place looked like before the solar light was put then I took shadow pictures. Then I realized I stopped doing things that made me happy, that I focused on things that would keep me off from reality.
While taking the pictures I thought to myself, "This is what I used to do. I would take pictures of things that scream something to the soul and now I no longer do that. What happened? Why did I stop?" And I hate what I did when that thought hit me. I got inside then play mobile legends, to stop thinking of the things from the past. Of how fond I used to be of things. I wish I stayed longer outside last night and reconnected with the stars. How I miss stargazing. It's been a while since the last time I did that. Must be more than a year in fact.
I'm sorry to myself.
I'm sorry I no longer let you breathe fresh air because I always stay in the house. Do you miss the sunset or the sunrise? Do you wanna go out and see the sky turn orange? Because I would go out just for you. You must be tired looking at the screen all day. I'm sorry I've been blocking your pleas of doing things to keep us healthy physically and mentally. You must be tired hearing people say how skinny you are. Would you like to read books again? Just tell me the story you want and I'll read it for us. Are you thirsty? I'm really sorry. Do you miss listening to music? Why do we no longer sing? Play an instrument? I'm sorry we stopped those things.
Let me make up to you. Give me time.
Just Got Enrolled
It is unbelievable that I once wrote an article here about being excited for college. That must have been more than a year ago because this July, I will be on my second year. We will be having a limited face to face classes and we will be emerged in doing hospital duties. That is the part where I am the most excited to. I'm hating on the subject pharmacology by the way because I've seen a lot of students complaining about this subject.
The other day I was officially enrolled. I didn't expect much of that day because all I thought that would happen was I will go on a 3-hr bus ride with my best friend, we'll line up for the enrollment at lunch, then go home. However when we got there in school, there were no lines since most of the student decided to enroll online. Yes, we could just enroll online but we decided to do it onsite so we could claim straight our uniform as what the school governor announced. But I was disappointed because there was no uniform yet given upon enrollment. I was thinking that the effort of waking up at 4 am and going for a long travel was wasted but I was wrong.
It took around only an hour when our enrollment was processed. This is a lot shorter because online enrollment takes about 2-5 days. After that, we met up with my best friend's former classmates. We went to Ayala to eat lunch, then we played in Timezone. We also had a drink at Krispy Kreme and returned to Timezone to spend the remaining credits of the card we purchased. And guess what! I did not spend a single penny.
I am always grateful to generous people. Do you know that feeling when a food tastes better when it's free or coming from other people compared when you buy it on your own? Anyway, I like the new friends I met and though I do not care much of how other people think of me, I hope they like me too.
Goodluck to me sa f2f classes!
Some Days Are Bluer
Are some days really bluer than the blue one you just had yesterday?
To live a life as an adult is to realize that everyone is pretentious. It is hard for me to sit down in the corner during family gatherings and believe that they are having a good life. Though part of me believes that they are really enjoying the moment of reunion, I cannot help but think, what if everyone feels the same way as I am? Conscious that not everyone is having a good time but brushes off the thought because they want to be polite. So instead of thinking that everyone is only pretending, they are putting on respect on that fake act of happiness. I'm not sure if anyone understands what I'm talking about but I wish us all genuine happiness.
I appreciate people who offer me company but honestly I do not enjoy the presence of others. I am simply not built for that, I hold no despise towards anyone. And though I greatly prefer if everyone would just give me time alone with myself, I am still human. There are times when I seek presence of a friend. However, it disappoints me that the only friend I want to spend time with is *him.*
Now I see why everyone emphasizes that a healthy relationship is to have time without each other because what I am practicing right now is toxicity. It is hard to be happy without him, while he is away minding his own business. I do not mean to be this clingy, but I guess I'm the type who offers all her time to her dear. I am guilty because I wish I was an emotionally independent woman. Yes, he tells me to spend time with myself and the people around me other than him but I do not fancy it no matter how much I convince myself. With him away is to spend a day blue, and a tomorrow without him is a bluer day than today.
I don't think if he would ever know the misery he puts me through every time he leaves (because he needs time for himself and family). But I wish if he knew about this or realized this, I hope he does not look at me in disgust at how needy I am. A healthy partner he is. Yet my own love is a poison to myself.
I just want a day no blue. Or him to be back sooner. Because I am tired witnessing bluer and bluer day though the sky is pink in my very eyes. A poison I am.
I Want To See The Computation
It's been a long while since my last update here. A lot of things had happened. I have been busy with school trying to keep up with the school works, meeting the deadline. On top of that, I have to finish all of those while trying to be present in all family events. My cousin got recently married, I had to familiarize the script for my return demonstration activities while at the reception of the wedding. How crazy! Everyone was having fun, enjoying the ambiance and music, taking pictures here and there. Yet here I am, keeping my bets to enjoy the event while memorizing the locations and landmarks of our organs.
It is amazing to look back on those moments of your life where you were really struggling, you thought you wouldn't be able to get through it and now here you are - laughing at the struggle from the past. Thinking about those moments where I managed to have fun while getting stressed with the activities, I feel really proud of myself.
However, I am a bit disappointed.
Currently, it's summer break. Which means I have seen my grades. My grades are good except for this one major subject. I always try my best to ace my classes and I practically did well in this one. So a little background, a subject is taken within one month with an exam every two weeks. When I saw my grade in this subject, I was really confused because in first term my grade was 69 and then it was 91 in the second term. How come? This is impossible because in the first exam I only have nine mistakes and I did pass my modules on time daysss before the deadline. Take note, the modules are very easy because the answers can be found on the book.
It turns out everyone in the class was given a grade of 60 then it suspiciously slid up to a grade of 90. The pattern itself which was experienced by everyone handled by this instructor is fishy. And when we asked to see the breakdown of how we got this grade, he couldn't even answer us!
He said that he tried his best to stretch our grades in the first term especially that some got a score of 30/60 in the exam. But sirrr, my score in that exam was 51! The conversation went like this:
Me: Sir, can we see the breakdown of our grades po?
Him: Class I already tried my best for your grades to not fail (with a sad emoji).
I was enraged, everyone is. Even the students he handled from other section. As you can see from the conversation, HE DID NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION. He was not able to provide a concrete computation of our grade. As a student, who tried her best to get good grades, I am disappointed to be handled by this type of people who did not even consider the effort of the student.
One student from other section who was handled by the same instructor had received his grades in this subject. You know what's insane? The main activities for this subject is a bunch of retdem videos. A grade of 60 for a retdem videos with zero views in youtube. He graded it without watching the video! This really makes me mad.
I don't think there is anything we could do but accept the grade. :(
Anyway, it's summer now. Time to have some fun while there's no deadline to meet. Yayy, face-to-face classes for the next school year starting this July 4. I am exciteddd.
Capturing The Witch 2
Not long ago after the mysterious buyer left, a wild fire in the barley field occur. Although several crops were grown in the village, the barley field was a big loss for it was their main source of food. The captain seeked for solution with the help of the locals but to no avail, they will likely to experience starvation for the next months.
"The man in the fancy cart had a great offer of growing crops," started the captain.
Everyone stared at him in silence. The silence was broken by Merideth, a known cattle keeper in town. "Mentioning him, what do you propose by that?" Her left brow was raised, suspicious of the captain's word. Though a cattle keeper, she was somewhat a royal after she was adopted by the once richest man in the village. By great unfortune, his adopted father died because of old age which left her all the old man's wealth. Yet everyone could tell she does not take interest on it because she decided to build her own place mostly made of old items.
"I suppose we need his help," answered the captain.
"I don't think we need an outsider's help. That is like an invitation to everyone to visit our village," replied the new comer. Everyone shifted their head of where the voice came from. It was from the lady who lived in the last house next to the forest. She took off the hood of her robe, revealing a pretty face. Her hazel eyes sparkled as it reflected the light coming from the torches.
"It's a pleasure to see you, Miss Sadrina." The captain quickly offered her a seat. The young men stared at Sadrina, most of them surprised to see her for the first time. Sadrina never liked going out. She was always seen by the hunters sitting outside of her house, reading a book while petting a cat that was sleeping on her lap.
"So what other solution does everyone have?" asked the captain after everyone did not approve of all the solutions he could think of. Nobody answered, so in that night they decided to have the buyer's help. The captain went to the town centre and yes he did not fail himself when he saw the same fancy cart. He entered the big house where the white horses where tied in front and there he was greeted by the old tubby man from a month ago.
"Oh, the captain of Retorca if I am not mistaken?"
The captain bowed in shame. "I suppose I could show your master around Retorca."
Before the tubby man could answer the captain, the mysterious buyer appeared in the last step of the grand stair. He was holding a cane made of expensive stones though the captain doubt if he really needed it or it was for fashion alone. His forefinger wore an emerald gem. He was wearing a smile and then he said, "By tomorrow, captain."
Capturing The Witch
Retorca is a village feared by many. Though there was no concrete reason to believe the story that a powerful witch lives there, the story seems to go on for years and years. Perhaps it was the people in the village itself who keep this story alive,not because they believe there is actually a witch but because this story has protected them from any land buyers. They have long given up about the witch. Rich counts, dukes, and other royalties from here and there are buying lands in small villages where they build a mansion and assert dominance towards the common people. The people in Retorca hated these people for two reasons. Primarily, they want to maintain the order in the place for they have observed that ever since the rich bought lands in other village, the locals from that area started starving. And the other reason, there was nowhere to go and although it was believed by the outsiders that the village is haunted - it actually is a place of peace and order.
Until one day, the heads of the villagers turned toward the sound of a clanking horses' feet against the road made of brick stones. Everyone stopped what they were doing for a moment, but as soon as they went back to their senses and has processed that the town has a visitor, they went back to their duties. Children were entertained to see such beautiful white horses with braided mane pulling a fancy cart forward. The cart was velvet red decorated with golden jewelries. Its window is curtained with black silk. Meanwhile, the elders were hoping it was not another rich man who wants to buy a piece of land. They were quite surprise that someone had the courage to enter the village, because although they stopped believing that there was a witch in their town, the outsiders had grown distant from them enough to give the village an eerie aura. They were not mistaken that it wanted to avail a land when the tubby man who was guiding the horses asked one of the locals where the captain's place is.
"It is such a luck for the captain is I am," answered the village's head. Though he may not appear like one because of his peasant-like clothes, everyone respected him for keeping off the village from buyers. "We haven't had a visitor for a long time that it brought me to curiosity of your presence," added the captain though everyone knew the visit's intention.
"My Sire here," the tubby man swayed his hand towards the person inside the cart who didn't bother to show himself, "wants to buy a land, if you could show us everywhere."
The captain cleared his throat and started with the witch's story, confident that it will lose the buyer's interest. But he was stunned for a moment when the mysterious man in the cart said, "Yes, I have heard of that, captain. I still wish to buy, any place you could offer me I do agree to buy. Any amount will do." The man did not open the curtain, he remained hidden behind the black silk.
"Apology but I realized there is no land for sale." The captain's voice was firm.
"A shame. I have such a great idea of providing water system to your crops yet I suppose you don't need any of my help. If you have been gone to other town and villages, for sure you could tell Retorca is way behind in terms of your food production."
"Perhaps, you are right, Sire. But we are not starving."
"Well, then," answered the man before they left the village.
Lurking In The Dark 23
After the human anatomy class was hunt class. And to do the the usual thing I do of being late to hunt class, I idled at the hallway. I stared at the bulletin boards, pretending to be interested in reading them while Drev was standing next to me who was actually reading. His hands were clasped behind him and he had a look of interest in his face. I followed his gaze and was led to the section of archaelogical discoveries. He suddenly cleared his throat and looked down on me (because I was only as tall as his armpit). "Oh my God," he said under his breath.
I frowned. "What?" I touched my face for dirt but stopped when he leaned against the board and closed his eyes like he had the weight of the world and was looking for a way to keep it off his shoulders. "Is everything okay?" I asked again.
"Jesus," he sighed. As time passed by, his voice was getting clearer and clearer although never the full one but there were still times when it came back to the whisper voice. "This can't be."
I smirked. "You said 'Jesus' and I realized I don't know what your religion is. I am Leran."
Drev was facing the balconies of the hallway that gave you the view of the statue of Sergeant Ford standing stiffly in the middle of the hot day. Drev's back was against the wall, staring at the statue and I was given a chance to look at his profile through my peripheral vision as I studied the decorations of the edging of the board. His nose was straight, no bumps.
"I don't have one," he said. He looked preoccupied more and more everyday, I see no reason for him to be in terms of performance in school. So perhaps, it was about his dating life. I couldn't tell that he had a sex life since he doesn't do meet ups, or he sneaks out in the middle of the night? Aha, perhaps the reason why he looked like that was the fact that he doesn't have one. Ew, I don't wanna even think about that at all.
I nodded. "Oh, okay."
When the bell rang, we ran to hunt class. Mr. Lacna was already handing out slips to be signed by our parents. When Drev asked for two, Mr. Lacna handed him two slips as he looked into Drev's eyes over his spectacles that was hanging lowly on the tip of his nose. Mr. Lacna cleared his throat that sounded like a growl and watched as Drev handed my slip to me. "Surely your guardians will let you go to the hunting." And when none of us answered he added, "It was unexpected of you Mr. Agustine. I have observed you in my class and all I could say is you're silent and observing. Spectacular! How did you do it?"
Drev nodded which seemed to be forced matched by a small smile, unappreciative of the compliment from the old man judging from his lack of response. Unexpectedly, he held his hand, palm looking up the sky. Mr. Lacna was surprised by the gesture that he asked, "Yeah?" He looked at Drev's hand and then at him with his brow cocked. "What about that?"
"Hunter's thank you."
"Yes, yes. How could I forget?" Mr. Lacna said as he shook his head in amusement, pressing a thumb to the middle of Drev's palm as a sign 'you are welcome'. He held a hand to the class as if telling as to take a ground to squat on. "Great. Perhaps we should start the class now."
We will have the tadalsi hunting next month using the new kinds of traps we learned this year. If only our permit was signed by our guardians. I couldn't wait any longer because of excitement to be working with Relis.
We Cope Differently
We are different from one other. Your coping mechanism may not work on other people. If you like to talk to someone every time you have problems, some people prefer to cut off anyone when they are handling something. I keep holding on to that as a reason to understand him for ghosting me for almost a month now.
"He's probably just going through something," I sighed as I checked my unread messages for him. I took his absence as a chance to focus on my studies. But as days passed by and the more I check if he is online, the more my patience ran out.
I understand that he is someone who bottles up his emotions to himself. Because I, myself, does the same. But perhaps, I didn't understand the part that talking to me doesn't make him any magic. If I were in his situation, I would just talk to him because he makes me forget all my problems. That thought makes me overthink what I mean to him. But then again, I thought, we cope in a different way.
I don't know how much longer I could understand the situation. We all go through something, and yes it's a different degree for each of us but that never reached the point where we avoid the person we love. Or am I wrong? I am confused and scared to know the truth.
It's my exam week. I have to focus but I can't. The thought of him distracts me. What I really need at the moment is an outlet of the emotions that I have bottled up for a long time. Writing the previous sentence makes me think, how come I bottled everything up but I never ghosted him? I also have my own problems you know. I struggle with my academics, family problems, and myself has issues. Is asking him to talk to me despite his problems reasonable or am I being selfish?
It's not like I wanna add up to his problems (well obviously I am adding up now because I want him to spend some time with me too and apparently he can't because he is busy dealing with his problems) I just wanna help him cope up. I just wanna be there as he goes through things :(
I don't know how I could help him. He's not being specific with his problems. I've read a lot of stories about people breaking up because either of them is mentally unstable to be in a relationship. I'll just...
Take a rest. Tomorrow is another day yay. No matter what happens I'll always have myself.
Lurking In The Dark 22
I no longer wait for Drev whenever Ms. Halia asks him to stay every after class dismissal. But this time I did because I was the one who was bringing the lunch Mom made for us, and I forgot to give it to him earlier. He didn't sit with us anymore, he now sits within Irela's territory table together with her friends and some of her friends' boyfriends.
It was a bit strange for me to sit with Saleri. How amazing it was how she could keep herself from looking at Drev's direction, knowing that he and she still have the calls going on. She didn't even look jealous at all.
She doesn't care that her boyfriend sits with another girl? Or she is the second girl and Irela is the main one? How could she eat in peace? This is the right thing huh? That silly jerk.
Out of impatience of standing here at the hallway with a lunch box held to my chest (because I liked the feel of the heat on my chest) I eavesdropped on the conversation taking place inside. I would stuck my ear to the door. Luckily, the hallway was lonely since everyone was either having lunch or still in their classes, so I didn't have to look out for anyone and pretend I wasn't doing anything nosy.
I couldn't make out the words, all muffled and dull and I couldn't tell if it was Drev or Ms. Halia although their voice was supposedly very distinctive from each other. But I made out a few words.
Believe me...you are...alive...save...hair...
Get...weak...keep the...move
Whatever that was it was just probably another boring talk. It didn't make sense so I finally gave up and leaned against the wall. Drev came out of the door, frowning at my presence. Probably confused to see me waiting for him.
I shoved the lunch box to his chest. He took it and thanked me, and I walked out without saying a word. He didn't say a word too, he just walked behind me, I could feel the heavy ring around his aura so I turned, my hand resting on my hips. "Did Ms. Halia give you sneak peek of your grades and you found out you failed history because you wouldn't sleep with her?"
He smirked, a sad smirk. I wasn't sure if it was because I was right or because everything about him was sad and eerie. "No, nothing. Hey, don't you wanna sit with me instead with the twins and Saleri?"
A line formed in my forehead. "No way. You know I don't want anything to do with---" I didn't finish what I said, afraid someone will hear us since we were now in the entrance of the cafeteria. I just wiggled my eyebrow and somehow he got the message.
He exhaled, putting his a hand inside his hoodie pocket with the other hand holding the lunch box and it seemed that he clenched a fist since the cloth shaped into a circle. "Yeah, sorry. I think I should stop getting involved with the two?"
I walked a little farther from Drev when I felt Irela's eyes on me. She was laughing with her friends about something but her eyes were on me. Observing, far from threatening. It was a look of understanding to see me with Drev, knowing that we live in the same household. Yet it was enough for me to remember that no matter how she looked to be understanding of the relationship between Drev and I, I should stay away for the sake of avoiding potential trouble.
I snorted like I heard a joke. "I told you to do the right thing, but what you did was get involved with the two. And now you're telling me to cut off from them? Really, do whatever. It's up to you. There's no point giving you advice when you do your own meaning of--" I air quoted, "right. Which was clearly the whole way around."
We were walking slow for the conversation yet it was time for me to go the other way so we halted in the middle of the intersection aisle, surrounded by the cafeteria tables and sea of crowd that was blabbering their own businesses as we were.
If Drev was a bank he would be bankrupted by now from all the glances stolen from him. It was surprising how lanky guys like him could get attention. Since for me, muscular was better. Like Relis, my dear Relis. "I'm so confused with everything. Can't we just quit school?" Drev asked, his lunch box pinned by his arm to his side. He glanced at one of his admirers and turn abruptly to me.
"You want to quit school because of these two girls?"
He ran his fingers to his hair and exhaled. "No, this is actually not about them, I guess," he said, eyeing each of the two girls who were both talking. "It's something else weird. Can't we?"
I shrugged. I was hungry. "Quit on your own. I have dreams. Now, bye. I will eat my lunch. And next time, you might want to tell me what's the talk from Ms. Halia all about instead of this quiting school thingy. Because believe me, I'd rather have you quit school."
Lurking In The Dark 21
I nodded. "Yes, sure. I will tell Nuvian and parents that. They would surely consider your suggestion," I said trying to hide my boredom. Nuvian chooses what path he wants, these people expecting him to play Atruf forever are putting pressure on him. And I don't like anyone to push pressure on him, and it's not time yet to talk about such matter. I mean I understand the concern but I know how Nuvian hates it when he is expected to win every single game.
He pointed in the air. "Good! Now, I think that is all to talk about."
I exhaled loudly as I got out from the office. Kevan schooling system, small matter that could be talked over the phone yet personal meet was more preferred. But I wasn't really bothered, I didn't mind the short meeting since I loved to drive, what drained my energy was the expectations put on my brother's shoulder.
Along the hallway, I met the same short girl with elfish features who was worried when Nuvian got into a fight. She seemed to recognize me because she halted to a stop and gave me a shy smile. "Hello, Lady Grassi."
"Oh, no formal greeting please," I said, delighted of her politeness. "Lily Kaler, right?"
She nodded. "Yes. Nuvian, is he okay?" Her blue round eyes looked up to me with worry. She was wearing a skirt and crop top, what street girls wear yet she managed to look decent and modest somehow.
"Uh, I'm not sure," I answered, thinking it was the appropriate thing to say. If I say "no" then she would be worried more, judging the sad look in her doll-ish eyes she was already worried. If I say "yes" then she would think that Nuvian was fake for how easy of him to move on when there she was in front of me with a sad look. Although Nuvian claimed that he was doing good, I know he still cares for Lily.
"I'm sorry but I just really have to break up with him. Things are going downhill with my Dad's work, I don't think it's time for relationships."
I was surprised of how both handled the relationship. Serious and mature. I didn't know what to say so I said, "Anything you want me to say to him?'
She took something from her pocket and handed it to me. "Please give it back to him. I, uh, got to go. Bye, Grassi." Off she ran, the heels of her shoes clinking loudly against the floor that it created an eerie and sad feeling. I had a feeling she was about to cry.
I stared at the bracelet on the palm. It was handmade, crafted from small seashells tied together by a blue tie. They clink together, creating a tingling sound of a small bell. And there was one stone of a color of emerald and when I held it to light, it illuminated a picture of Lily in a pretty dress.
"Grassi, are you going to leave without me again?" Drev asked when he saw me grabbing my jacket and heading for the door. "You left without me this afternoon."
I rolled my eyes. "You're like a baby and I'm your mom or I'M like a baby and you're my protective dad. It's not like we have connected intestines."
He just ignored my remark. "Where are you going?"
I groaned. "I'm going to the lake. To go swimming." Then I opened the door and felt him standing still, watching me. I glanced back at him, my eyes rolling in irritation. "You can come if you want."
He didn't say a word on our way to the lake. And there was silence from us except for the snapping branches under our feet and my constant groan complaints from all the branches that would hit my face. It was around four in the evening yet it was already twilight. Drev's skin glowed in the dark and so was my hair.
When we reached the lake, I made him turn and not to peek out as I took off my clothes, leaving myself in underwears. I ran along the wooden ramp and told him he could finally turn when I was already in the water. I swam again and when I resurfaced to the water, Drev was already in the water with me a few meters ahead.
"Wow, you can really swim."
He replied a smile to my praise and swam to me. He appeared out from the water and walked to me, staring me in the eyes as he took steps. I felt something heat up within me so I dipped myself.
To My Cousin Larry
To my cousin Larry,
Greetings, big man! You haven't written me a letter since December, it makes me wonder what you have been up to lately. I heard from Aunt Marcel that you have been helping your father in the farm. Though as much as I understand that perhaps you are busy fixing the ditches every rainfall, I longed for those late nights when we would talk about life, sitting right outside the barn with our cold beers. Cold beers must not be seen by the elders of course because we were only 15 that time. More than two years had past and I'm sure now we don't have to hide from them when we drink though it's not a legal drinking age yet. I would like to know how you are doing and what happened to the girl you told me about, the one who returned to you your lost horse. I heard rumors from Aunt Marcel that you are now dating that girl and is planning to marry her once you both turn 18. Tell me about it once you have time to write me a letter.
Speaking of girls, do you remember the girl I wrote you about last October? Yes, Arosia. We have been exchanging letters ever since they moved to the city. It was a month before she revealed to me that the reason they moved to the city was because of her medical condition. She is scheduled to have a surgery next week. I am worried about her but I don't have any idea how to take care of a girl. Perhaps you could tell me how to care for one. Her last letter that I received recently said that her chest started hurting more and more, what do I do? Should I tell her to breathe deep or should I tell her I would like to come over to make her feel better? Ah, I don't know! Our grandpa Acel never mentioned that it was hard to decipher a girl's language.
Man, Arosia is really pretty. I wish you had seen her. I would like to send you her picture but I could not since it is the only photo of her that I have. I will then describe you her mistifying beauty instead. She has black sparkling eyes that always looks suspicious. I find it amusing, it makes me feel like I was being interrogated after murdering someone! Her eyes are hypnotizing and seem to be saying a mantra that forces you not to lie. I regret that last time we saw each other, all I did was bow down out of shyness. If only I was not a shy boy, I would stare at her eyes as long as I could. Her nose was small, her lips were plump and pale. Pale, perhaps it was because of her sickness she didn't openly tell me about. She would look prettier with a pink one, I suppose. Her hair is brown, I told her it is as the same shade as your horse Domino's mane. I thought she would be flattered by that simile, but I see she was offended. I am not sure how to apologize like a real lover but I gave her a flower I've stolen from a bouquet placed outside a flower shop as an apology. It was a pretty rose that I could not afford. She has a beautiful smile paired with dimples and her skin was pale.
I will write you more about her next letter. But I have to go now since I have filled this one page and I do not have the penny to pay for another one. Farewell, cousin Larry! Write me, too.
Regards,
Ridgie
My Dream Careers
When someone asks me what my goal in life is, my immediate answer is to become a nurse. However, I realized it wasn't really to become a nurse. Yes, it is my dream career but I have had different dream careers before I have solidly decided what my course in college is going to be. This proved that to be a nurse is not my goal in life. My goal in life is to become financially stable without having to exert much effort or not having to work under the heat of the sun in particular.
When I was in pre-school, we were tasked to make a short speech which commonly started with a phrase, *When I grow up I want to be a...*
I was five back then, and my immediate thought is to have a career the same as my aunt because she is rich. I didn't know what her career is. I vividly remember asking my mother about my aunt's job so I could write it on my speech. My aunt is the one who supports my family in exchange of us, taking good care of her house while she's abroad. I have always idolized her because she is kind and generous. She's a nurse.
And so I wrote:
*When I grow up I want to be a nurse. Because I want to take care of sick people.*
As I grew up and had the chance to explore different careers, I was also able to discover my different talents and skills which caused me to consider taking a career different from my pre-school dream. It was around sixth grade when I started writing my own stories because I got inspired by Wattpad.
I wanted to become a writer.
I started having writer's block and the lack of motivation to finish a story. And it scared me because what if I would never be able to write a good one? Then all the time and effort I spend would be gone to waste. Worse, I won't have money to support myself and my family. Write because you love to write isn't motivational. Hey, we're talking about career, not hobby.
But at the end, I am happy that writing remained close to me. It helped me relieved myself from stressful thoughts. I am able to preserve my thoughts and see the changes of the way I think.
Later on, I took interest on things around me and capturing them.
I wanted to become a photographer.
Do you know that feeling when you take a really good photo but as you stared at it longer the more you thought that it's nothing special the way you took it? Like yes, it was a pretty sunrise. But there has been millions of pretty sunrise pictures. So I left this dream. I still love taking pictures though. Keep the memories :)
I wanted to become an archeologist.
I loooove discovering things from the past and learning their stories. I love history. I would like to experience the excitement on finding something untouched for many years. But I realized that this job lack the support from the government and it's not that known in the Philippines so I did not consider it at all. Still, I am very interested on reading new discoveries and imagined I made discoveries myself.
I wanted to become an architect.
I find it very amazing to design a building, have it erected, and admired by the passerbys. However, my skills in drawing is far from good so I did not dream for this career anymore. But my cousin is currently taking architecture course so I am very excited and happy for her! She posts her blue prints on social media and oh my goshhh, I can't wait for her to be finally graduate. I am sure she will do amazing with her job, she really does it with passion.
So, if you are curious what I chose. It's to be a nurse. Of all the career shifts I had in mind, my heart remained to the one I had when I was just a pre-schooler. I have no regret. Currently, I am a nursing student. I am learning the lessons with passion and great interest. I get tired sometimes but I know I can do it!
HAHAHAHA how do you make an exit. Uhh, au revoir?
ps. credits to Unsplash for the beautiful pictures
The Effect of Typhoon Rai on Me
My head is burning right now. I am not sure if it's because of the modules I answered or I'm psychologically disrupted because of the sudden lose of privacy since last month. Typhoon Rai ruined our house specially the room where I used to stay. Its left-side wall gave in, thus leaving the room open and unsafe to be occupied. So I have been sharing a room for one month and this might go on for a long time. For sure the typhoon affected my plan on self-care because just when I was inspired to shower and wash my face daily, we were cut off from water. I experienced bathing on mud-colored water because I had no other choice, feeling my body getting oily each day is worse.
We had to refrain ourselves from brushing our teeth because we had very limited supply of water. As expected, I had acne break out. Looking at the damage the following morning after the typhoon wrecked us, I was not affected by the damage on our property. For me it was easy to be resolved, we just have to hire people to reconstruct the fallen wall and clean the big stones that entered the house. But I didn't know that the typhoon will cause me long-term damage. This is not trauma. Not at all.
I was not traumatized by the strong winds I encountered that night (December 16, 2021). It was hard to open the door because the wind would push it back against you. The rain was strong and along the wind, it sounded like we were in an ocean being crashed by big waves. There were hurricanes not only one. Houses were buried feet deep because of the stone and soil that originally came from the mountains that was dug up by the typhoon and washed away towards the town.
Those experiences I had the night of the typhoon did not affect me at all. What affected me is the lack of privacy after my room was ruined. Writing this, I feel agitated that I am not alone in the room. I also have to endure the light coming from the window, I am used to my dark room.
It really affected my peace of mind. That's why now I am trying to cope from this change by doing self-care so I don't think much of the problem. If you think I am being ungrateful. Wrong. I am grateful we made it safe and none of us were injured. Four people died in our area and though that is still a casualty, it is a gift that not hundreds died knowing that it's a super typhoon. I am grateful we don't need the help from the government and we are eating fine. This is just a reflection on what I need to have in order for myself to grow and I'd say it's personal space so I could have time alone with myself and thought.
My Crush
I remember chatting in the public stream. I wasn't looking for a duo but I acted like I wanted one anyway, though I prefer to play alone. Then I decided to message this guy with Houtarou Oreki avatar and asked him if he wanted to play with me. So we did, and that's how we started hanging out with each other virtually.
It wasn't long when I started developing a crush on him. He was silent, good in playing yet humble, and he doesn't insult other players. I hid my feelings because I was scared he would stop playing with me once he finds out. However, I couldn't stop smiling every time we spend several hours playing with each other. He was the introvert type. He only answers when you ask him a question, sometimes he doesn't answer at all.
Eventually I decided giving him hints that I admire him. I would always stalk him, and I would even get jealous when I check his history and I saw he played with another girl. Time came and he told me his name, I searched him on Facebook and the rest is history.
It has been a year yet my crush for this guy is still massive like I just met him. He likes me too actually. It turns out he liked me first before I even started liking him. He is everything I could ask for. A gentleman with a great sense of humor, not prideful, and sweet. He is really cute every time he is embarassed.
We have had several problems too. But I wouldn't say they were serious. It was mostly just me pissed off at him for no apparent reason. I know I am too young, but some people met their person at 16, younger than me! You might say that this is puppy love and I can't blame you. But hey, puppy love could be a foundation of ever-lasting love.
I realized I am trying to make a change in my life. Well, this guy motivates me to keep going every day. He would remind me to take my iron and vitamins. He would remind me to take a rest from school works and it's time to get some fresh air outside. We are miles apart but him telling me about his day makes me feel that he is by my side. And if I were to choose a guy to be with, please be it him.
Urge To Live Alone
I just woke up from an afternoon nap. I decided to sleep because my head was throbbing with pain, hoping it would go away as soon as I woke up but I see it is not effective. The surrounding is filled with noises competing with each other. It makes me wish that I was somewhere in front of the ocean right now, listening to music or enjoying the sound of crashing waves. The cars passing by have loud engines, the radio from the neighborhood is inaudible, a music is playing from a distant stereo, and the home aura is lonely (and doesn't even feel like home).
I have seen multiple posts about romanticizing life and living it like I am the main character but most days, it was just dark and unproductive. I wished it looked like waking up early in the morning wearing only an oversized shirt and panty, dancing in the kitchen with my music blaring, and cleaning the house when I felt like lighting up the atmosphere.
Living alone is hard as what I heard. But having the freedom to do whatever you want was everything. I like the freedom of doing groceries on my own, the freedom of exercising wearing my comfortable ugly clothes, and the freedom of expressing sadness without someone seeing me cry. At this age, all I am craving to experience is to live independently. Having my own family discourage me that I am not capable of this is somewhat sad. Of course it is going to be hard at first but experience is the best teacher.
Every time the house feels like a toxic environment to do my online class, which is what I feel every day, it always makes me wonder: *When will I start living on my own?*
I am supposed to be no longer under my parents' house right now if only pandemic did not happen. I guess I'll just study with nuisance until it's time for me to move out. I am really excited.
Tell me about living alone based on your experience. Thank you!
I Did Not Expect My Freshman Year To Be This Way
Never have I ever imagined that I will be spending my college freshman year at home. I have always imagined it to be challenging yet a fun ride in my life. I used to fantasize about the tiring ride homes in the crowded street of the city, the different people I would meet and bond, the group breakdowns because we all got low scores.
But then I guess, expect the unexpected.
My excitement to finally have the freedom to live away from my family has faded. It is replaced by stress because of the nuisance they create while I am doing my schoolworks. The environment is just *sooo* not suitable for learning.
There's noise coming from my dad's radio along with his nonsense rants, my mother scolding my siblings, my siblings fighting, and even the neighborhood is noisy itself. Because of this, my academic productivity is greatly affected. My motivation to do the schoolworks is hard to find. So sometimes I do my schoolworks at late night instead, when everyone is asleep. But then my mother won't shut up because sleeping late is unhealthy. I don't know where to put myself.
I took Bachelors of Science in Nursing. When I was a kid, I was so excited for the moment when I finally get to wear the white nursing uniform. But because of virtual classes, the school replaced the uniform with a maroon shirt. The shirt is aesthetic but I have always wanted the original uniform, so thinking about it makes me sad sometimes.
It's like all my life I look forward to this day, that I am finally in college. But now that I'm living that day and it's not what I have always dreamed for it to be like, it is disappointing. God, I wish someone didn't invent the disgusting bat soup. A bat dipped in a soup, how can that be appetizing to some? There's just no way. But then I thought, if pandemic did not happen, I wouldn't meet these awesome people who make me happy everyday.
They say college life is unforgettable. I guess it is unforgettable in a way that you just spend it at home. For me, I don't like it because I wanted to learn hands on with actual hospital events but I know that day will eventually come. I am so excited for face-to-face classes. I know it's gonna be hard because I can't search on google for the quizzes but uwu, I miss going out of the house.
My schoolworks are waiting for me. Got to go. Byebyee!
Getting My Life Back on Track
It was a sunny morning. The girl sat on the corner of the room. She looked solemn. Her manicure was chipped off and her face was painted with a cream for her acne breakout. She halted to a stop, wondered what the day would bring her.
*Ta-da!* Just decided to go for a dramatic intro.
Anyway, yesterday marked the first day of my self-care diary. I can't remember much of what happened as I woke up but... oh, I remember it now. I remember lying on the bed, trying to revive my phone. It's an old phone, as well as the model itself. Every time I have to turn it on, I have to remove the back cover so I could reach for the button. Not to mention that the button is really hard to press lately, I need this very small alloy that I have to place on the button before I could turn it on. Without it, it's impossible to turn my phone on. I got it 3 years ago from my aunt as a reward for my academic performance.
It's not my first phone. My first phone was a keypad I received from my mother as a graduation gift back in elementary. Every time I think back of that day I get teary because it just makes me realize how much I love my mother. It wasn't a pretty phone but the thought that my mom got me a phone because I kept telling her I wanted one makes me appreciative. I remember unboxing that gift wrapped in a colored paper. Though disappointed that it was a keypad, I looked at my mother in awe and adoration. She is the best!
So back to the topic, I was able to turn it on for around half an hour. I'd say the first day of my journey was productive because I showered and I ate my meals on time. I also watched Naruto which I enjoyed. I know it's an old long series with around almost a thousand episodes (not sure) that I need to catch up but it's a legendary anime, so why not?
I also love yesterday because I got a glimpse of the sky at sunset. Now, remind me to add sky gazing for my next list. I think it is a blessing to be an individual who loves to watch the sky because it gives you the chance to reflect and connect to your inner self while enjoying the beautiful nature.
Hey, good news!
I worked out. Omygoshhh! I totally recommend. It's been a long time since I worked out so I am very proud of myself. Hoping to have the same motivation as I had yesterday to move my muscles. In fact, my legs hurt when I use the stairs but it's okayyy.
Hope everyone is having a good day. I have to go now and do my schoolworks. Byebyeee! :)
Making A Change: Self-care Diary
AAAAA!
I really hate my current lifestyle. I wake and go straight to my laptop to join classes. No breakfast, have not even washed my face or fixed the bed. All throughout until 4 pm that's all I do, just sitting in front of the laptop. And it's not even a productive sit! I just sit there, scroll through Facebook, and barely even doing any schoolworks!
I really hate myself for this. I wish I had the motivation to get up early, shower, then eat breakfast before joining the classes. Most of the times I do not eat my meals on time, sometimes I skip. My shower is every two to three days. I have a lot of acne and I barely drink a glass of water. *UGH, what a shame!*
I want to be physically fit but I am too lazy to dance or exercise. Also, I just found out that I am underweight. I am aware that I am getting thinner but I did not expect that my Body Mass Index (BMI) is no longer normal. *Heeeelp!* :(
So upon posting this article, I will start my journey on changing my lifestyle for the better. Starting on small things, right? I know it's gonna be hard because I am used to sitting all day but I know it's gonna be worth it.
Where do I start tho? Aha, I will make a short list. And then go on bigger routines once I get to master these small care acts.
***KIRO'S REFORM LIST***
**Drink 8-10 glasses of water.** This one's gonna be challenging since I am not a fan of drinking water. But I have tried it before and I noticed my skin got clearer. However, I got lazy washing my tumbler so I stopped. So this time I'll just stick to a regular glass. Speaking of that, let me get up and drink a glass of water before I go on the with the list!
**Wash pillow case every week.** I hate that I don't wash my pillow case often that I had to put a clean shirt on it as a substitute. Anyway, what's better than a clean pillow case and the comfort of having a clear skin?
**Don't wait for deadlines**. You might think that this is not self-care, but it actually is! It helps get off a feeling of uneasiness when you are chilling. Though it is found that procrastination helps you finish your work, I don't wanna work while procrastinating. Also good for my mental health.
Anyway that's it for now. I'll update you if I'm still being a stray in my life or I am getting better. I hope this inspired you too to have a healthy lifestyle. Let us all be healthy especially during this pandemic. Adios!
Dying Hope
As I sat on the cold floor, my back against the wall that had been painted yellow with a thick layer of nicotine by my years of smoking, a tear slid through my cheek. There was nobody to run to.
The image of Dr. Miller sitting across me, breaking the tragic news that I am on my last stage of lung cancer keeps playing in my mind. It was only almost a year when I decided to stop smoking.
Life is weird.
I remember when I started smoking. My first puff was at the back of Ron's Chevy, I was 15 by then and willing to explore things in life.
I coughed. I tried again and there it was, a success. At first I started smoking two cigarettes a day for mere fun. I enjoyed watching the smoke come out from my mouth and nose. I wasn't sure if it was the calmness I felt as I blew off the aromatic smoke or it was the void inside that I felt like getting filled in as I destroy my lungs. But the next thing I knew, I could not get rid of it. Eating without taking a cigarette afterwards made me sick. Two sticks turned into one pack.
I used to walk into the club with the company of my so-called friends. I would wear my favorite high heel boots matched with a leather jacket I did not return from an ex. Would it even be called my presence if you could not smell cigar in the air? I would glance at the drunk men in disgust. Disgusted at their alcohol addiction and thinking I am a lot better than them for not getting wasted in public.
It took several years before I started paying for my addiction. The symptoms started showing off. I told myself, "I wanna die anyways". But as I had said, life is weird. At first, I was not afraid to die because I got nothing to lose. Mom died after giving birth to me. Dad died when I was 20 due to heart attack. I don't have a sibling and I don't know any of my relatives. I don't have a family and friends.
*Oh, how lonely this world sounds*.
And then I thought, I don't wanna die yet because that's it. That's the point. I got nothing to lose feels like I never achieved anything in my life. I want to have something to lose because that's what makes life life. So I quit smoking. And here I am.
Sitting on the floor.
Nothing to lose.
More dying than my lungs because I shouldn't have hoped in the first place.
My Role Model
A role model is someone that you set as an inspiration in shaping your personality. A person who has a great influence in how you perceive the world and how you act on it. That is why choosing the deserving role model is important, because this decision reflects you as a person. We could have anyone as a role model and its number does not limit. However, I only have one role model. And that is my mother. Not only because she is an amazing individual but also because of her capabilities of handling different challenges in life.
When I was young, I used to see my mother as an ordinary person. But as I grew older, getting more exposed to the cruel side of the world, I realized how amazing she is. She just gave birth to four babies! I heard a lot that giving birth is very painful, so imagine? And her chaotic journey in the mother life did not end there, that was only the beginning. Raising children did not tire her, she also had to keep the house in order while at the same time, she would get things ready for our father. Aside from that, she is the one who manages the finance of the house. Without her, we would have definitely zeroed the monthly budget only within a week. Despite having to take care of us and the whole house, she does not forget to take care of herself. How amazing is that? She is now 52 years old yet she vibes like she is a lot younger than her age. For sure, my mother also has personal problems that she does not talk about. I sometimes see her sitting at the balcony, deep in thoughts and eyes staring afar. But the next morning, I would see her smiling as she cooks our breakfast. I wonder how she handles it all. She has her own battles yet she does not neglect her responsibility as a mother and wife.
I could have chosen anyone else. But it is my mother who inspires me to be a good person. I learned a lot of lessons from her, may it be the lessons that she vocally teaches us or the lessons I observed myself. Most of all, I learned from her that no matter how struggling we are with our own problems, we must not forget to be kind to others. With that, I am proud to say that my mother is my role model.
@Kiro
