Let’s consider your list in a new way, since the person you have described as the person you want to marry has a message for you. Is this person your equal or the opposite? Are you attracted to those who are as financially secure, educated, or as attractive as you? Are they on your level? Or do you tend to date “up” or “down”? It doesn’t mean you are identical, but there will be some trade-offs.
A relationship tends to sustain itself when each person feels they are receiving something from the other person and perhaps more than they would receive in another relationship. If you are not getting that much from a relationship, you may leave it even if no one else is available.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “He’s a good catch” or “She’s a good catch.” One of my close friends and fishing enthusiasts has his own variation on this phrase. He says as he begins a new relationship (using fishing lingo), “She’s a keeper.” This is what most people are looking for. The people you are most likely to date are those who have romantic desirability levels equal to yours.
I don’t want to become theoretical on you, but I’ve been talking about the social-exchange theory. This theory states that even falling in love is not a happenstance event, but more of a deliberate process. The theory is that before you allow yourself to become involved with another person, you consciously or unconsciously try to discern if that person is your romantic equal. The majority of men and women use their perception of their own level of romantic desirability to determine the suitability of that other person.
But there’s more. Reflect back on your past several relationships. Were the individuals distinctively different in their physical characteristics? Was there a wide variation in the way they looked, or were there more similarities than dissimilarities? Have you been attracted to those who tend to look alike or dissimilar? Many people after reflecting back have discovered a common theme of similar physical characteristics in their partners.
Many have a picture in their mind of what their spouse-to-be should look like. Perhaps you do and it has been operating like radar scanning out prospective partners. If you have done this in the past and are just now becoming aware of it, is this what you really want? Are looks so high on your criteria list that this limits you fromfinding those people with other characteristics that are more important to you? That’s why it is so vital for you to write the descriptive paragraph about yourself.
I know that some of you who are reading this willsay, “That’s too scientific, too calculating, too logical. It just doesn’t work like that!” Most people do not fall in love by chance. There’s more to it than meets the eye; it’s just not obvious. Many of the items on the “Must Have” list are the variables which will affect mate selection. It may sound unromantic, but there’s a lot more involved in romance and finding that right person than we realize.
Who have you dated in the past? What were they like? How do they match up to who you are looking for now?
Now, think back about some of your most pleasant relationships. Was the person more similar to you or dissimilar?
Think about it. Even though you have your list of qualities, and you like certain physical characteristics, the most pleasant and productive romantic relationships tend to be with those who have similar beliefs, attitudes, and especially values.
When you date someone and think you have found these three, be sure you investigate to see how long they’ve held them. These qualities may have been a quick recent acquisition in order to impress you, but there are no roots.
How have you reacted to people that you’ve met socially or at work who don’t have the same beliefs, attitudes, and values, and are not a romantic possibility? Did you want to be around them? Did you want to invest time with them? Were you that comfortable with them? Most of us aren’t and, if that’s the case, why would anyone think they could spend the rest of their life with a person like that? Incompatibility in the area of beliefs, attitudes, and values is often fatal in a marriage. If you are in constant disagreement with your partner, that’s not very enjoyable. If your partner shares your beliefs and values, it draws you closer, rather than repelling you.
When a person finally marries, does he choose a person just the opposite of himself? For years the statement “opposites attract” has been used to explain part of the attraction process.
And yet the results of hundreds of studies of married couples indicate that, almost without exception, in physical, social, and psychological characteristics the mates are more alike than different. The exceptions, or those that appear to be exceptions, do not alter this overall tendency.
This is so impresive. Good job