The second time: What do I need to know?

Norm, I’m getting married…again. What do I need to know?”

This is a common question, an imposing question, and an overwhelming question. It certainly needs and deserves an answer. You may be the one marrying again or you may be marrying someone who is getting married again. Or it could be this chapter doesn’t pertain to you at all. If not, it may be useful to one of your friends.

What is shared in the next several pages is not meant to discourage or dishearten you about a marriage in which one person has been married before. It’s simply to prepare you beforehand so you can be fully aware and in charge of your life and your new relationship.

If you’re ready to marry again it means you have emerged from that dark, cluttered, frightening valley which most people experience during and after a divorce. Hopefully you’ve been able to rearrange your life without assaults from your former spouse. So many divorces I’ve seen remind me of a country that divides into two, but one carries on guerrilla warfare attacks upon the other.

In many cases, divorce can leave you with a terrible sense of failure and guilt. Finding your way back to stability can leave you either shattered, questioning your sanity and your abilities, or it can leave you stronger and wiser. You won’t be the same person you were in your first marriage. The time between marriages is an extremely significant time in your life, especially for your future. Recuperation from any serious trauma is never easy, and for a while it often involves two steps forward and one step back.

Stages of Recuperation

Following your divorce you very possibly went through four different stages. The first one was “Remembering the Pain.” At that point in time, if a thought about a new relationship came to mind it could have been like pouring salt in an open cut—it hurt too much. Your divorce may have been too recent and painful. Whenever you saw a couple together who appeared happy, an entire onslaught of feelings emerged. You felt like half a person.

Then you moved into a new stage of “Single Again Acceptance.” Your pain diminished, and you held your head above water to see what this new world was like. You discovered you were not alone, but you may have felt fragile.

Question after question came to mind—“How do I relate to others again? Where did I go wrong? Can I attract someone? Who would want me?” A new and deep commitment was inconceivable. The greatest danger at that time was sex. To feel wanted and close again could have conflicted with your Christian values.

In the third stage of “Searching and Selective,” you began to feel whole again and you became interested in finding someone. You were comfortable with time alone, and you made yourself more available. But you would tend to evaluate each new person carefully. You were not ready for a commitment yet, but you may have wanted to move toward a close relationship.

The last stage is where you said, “Yes, I’m ready!” You began functioning as a whole person, and marriage began to look more attractive than remaining single. You allowed a relationship to proceed at its own pace. You were ready for a commitment when the risk of that step was less to be feared than not taking it. Often it takes three to four years after a divorce for this to occur. If it happens in the first year, it’s too soon. Waiting gives you the opportunity to learn to find and love a whole person rather than half a person.

I think it would be safe to say that every person entering a second marriage after a divorce is hoping and expecting it to be better than the first one. Hopefully this desire will prompt them to take every step possible to make that wish a reality.

Here are a few hidden expectations of new spouses that have been shared with me over the years. If any of them sound like yours, get them out of hiding:

1. My new spouse will make me far happier than my former spouse did.

2. My new spouse will be totally different from my former spouse.

3. My new spouse will always understand me.

4. My new spouse will have none of the bad habits of my former spouse.

5. My new spouse will be a better parent than my former spouse.

6. My new spouse will never disappoint me.

7. My new spouse will never handle money as poorly as my former spouse.

8. My new spouse will make me a better person and make me happy.

9. My new spouse will make all the pain and hurt from my previous marriage go away.

10. My new spouse is perfect.

If any about-to-be current second-marriage spouses knew that the above were expectations for them, they would probably leave the country.

Hope for the Second Marriage

I’ve been encouraged by those who have spent months preparing by attending second marriage premarital preparation courses as well as being involved in individual premarital counseling sessions. But other individuals just seem to waltz into their next marriage assuming it will be better. But a second marriage is not any easier than a first; it is harder. Not only that, it’s much more complicated. If you thought your first marriage took effort, you may be surprised what happens now.

In a first marriage, you didn’t have to share your partner with anyone else, nor did your partner have to share you with anyone. But if either or both have children, you may end up with 50 to 75 percent less time and energy to devote to the building of your new marriage. And in one sense a second marriage is similar to a first marriage—the initial year is the most important when it comes to bonding and building a relationship. But with less time available, it may take much longer.

As you approach a second marriage, have you given any consideration as to why the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than for first marriages? There are some identifiable reasons. It may help to keep these in mind. Here are some of the factors that cause second marriages to fail.

Frequently a person’s second marriage is meant to punish the first partner and absolve the punishing partner of blame.

There is pressure to make the second marriage work. There may be feelings of having to make up for the lacking areas in the first marriage, and a number of “musts” and “shoulds” are set up which can cripple the marriage.

Rushing into a new marriage is one of the best ways for it to fail. Some second marriages fail because of a repetition compulsion—choosing the same kind of partner again or repeating some of the same bad habits.

Failure to learn from the first time around will contaminate a new marriage.