Major Adjustment Issues in remarriages

Here are some of the major issues of remarriage families.

These are not presented to threaten or scare you but to enlighten you and help you make the necessary preparations and adjustments needed to have a successful relationship. You may even be surprised by some of these items, but they have been found to be very significant.

One of the issues is what name is used for the new parent.

Each family has to work out a comfort level for each member.

First of all, what does a child call you—an “additional” or “substitute” parent? Children often prefer to think in terms of “new father” and “old father” or “real father.” Or they could say “first” or “second.” Stepchildren not only have difficulty with the label “step” but they may also struggle with their mother’s last name, which may now be different fromtheir own.

The expression of love and af ection to a new parent is not easy to resolve, because it involves feelings of loyalty or alliance to their own absent parent. A stepparent will probably experience both positive and negative feelings from the children. Some children may become close to the stepparent and others remain distant.

The loss of the natural parent will generate a grief reaction.

If family members are still working through their grief response when a new (or several) family members enter the family, both the recovery and the bonding in the new relationship will be delayed. Most people in our society do not know how to grieve, nor do those around themknow how to assist them in the process.

Many remarriage family members believe that feelings of love and af ection can develop easily in the family relationships.

This does not usually happen, and a high level of expectation for this occurring can generate a strong sense of disillusionment in the new marriage. It will take a significant amount of time. If you are going to become a blended family, consider these things that will probably be part of your experience.

What usually happens when families are blended is:

1. You will spend a great deal of time patching the wounds of fragmented family members.

2. You will come to dread that part of the holidays when children pass each other in airports.

3. You will have more spare toys, blankets, towels, and sleeping bags in your home than you know what to do with.

4. Some days, you will wonder what children belong to what parent on what planet.

5. You will quickly tire of being the “bad guy” stepparent.

6. You will want all children to become wards of the court when it comes to dispensing discipline.

7. You will tire of hearing children say, “My real father [mother] said I could do…”

8. You will be loved and unloved in the same minute some days.

9. You will expect God to give all stepparents a castle free of kids in heaven.

A fifth issue is the disappointment that children experience when their dreams and fantasies of their parents reconciling fail to materialize. The fact of a second marriage puts an end to any of their hopes. Even years after a divorce, children entertain these dreams. If children are especially close to the noncustodial parent and hang onto dreams of their parents working it out, the new marriage is likely to experience difficulties.

The number one problemin remarriages in which there are children are the conflicts over discipline. Some stepparents stay inattentive and disengaged—that doesn’t work. Some become actively involved and overly restrictive—that doesn’t work. Others remain tentative, and that doesn’t work. What does work, then? The approach that works is a slow, gentle, flexible approach in which a friendship is developed to gain a child’s participation. The biological parent, however, should take the lead with the stepparent supporting them. But this only works when you talk about it in advance.

Another adjustment is sibling conflicts. If the children are still upset and angry over their parents’ divorce, there will be friction between the step-siblings. These relationships are critical to the success of blended families. The better the relationships between step-siblings, the better the total family harmony.

Within a blended family you will find competition for a time.

There is usually an unequal time distribution, and the children often feel they have been forced to choose between the stepparent and the biological parent.

The greater the number of newly acquired family members, the greater the complexity of the relationships. The more people there are, the harder it is to find yourself in the system.

As one new husband and stepfather said, “It’s like I married into a crowd that’s always milling around, and it’s not only hard to know where you fit, it’s also hard to get some alone time.”

A remarriage family also has a greater potential for inappropriate sexual behavior. This may occur between step￾siblings or, unfortunately, between a stepparent and a stepchild. Sometimes the sexual tension, fantasies, and anxieties can create tension and anger which can disrupt normal day-to-day functioning.

Children experience emotional turmoil when they shift back and forth fromtheir home to their other biological parent and back again. They will experience disruption for several days, because the exit and entry time expands beyond the time of visitation. There’s both a time of preparation and a time of recovery after the return home. Often this disruption is observable in school. Feelings of guilt, loss, and a need to grieve are normal responses to this adjustment.

Because a remarriage with children means instant family, any marital problems are going to be compounded. There is no opportunity to consider the marital relationship first. But if the stepparent-children relationship works out, it has a positive effect upon the marriage.

Money problems could be an issue, and it’s common to have conflicts over child support, spousalsupport, wills, trusts, distribution of future assets, payment for a daughter’s wedding, prenuptials, etc.

One other concern is the continued influence of the noncustodial parent in childrearing practices. If all the parents do not cooperate, a child feels this stress. The sooner the remarriage follows the divorce, the more competition there is between parents.

In spite of all the adjustments, problems, and multiple relationships, a remarriage can be a fulfilling time in which each person can find what they were always seeking in marriage. By planning, praying, and being persistent in working through issues, it can work. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. Make it happen. It's your choice!