I spoke to a friend of mine this morning who lost someone very close to her over the weekend. I know that this time of the year is really bad for people and the bottomless pit that depression can land you in at this time of the year. Even myself - I am in a state of constant anxiety and have been for the last week. It always happens to me at this time of the year. My head goes crazy with all sorts of thoughts, fears, worries and doubts.

Above and lead image by Pixabay User: johnhain

I am fortunate that I have been on the front line in my life, dealing with suicides and seeing the impact that it actually has - not on the person, but on the family and friends. Why am I "fortunate" to have seen the deaths and the pain from the people who have stood crying next to the person who has killed themselves?

Because it has given me insight into making sure I NEVER commit suicide.

I think at one time or another in our lives we all have bad thoughts and all have dark periods. Some of the things that have crossed my mind:

• Would anyone care?

• Would anyone turn up to the funeral?

• What would be said if I just wasn't around anymore?

• How long would it take for people to get over the fact that I'm not here anymore?

I know I have considered it during the worst of the worst of my life - I have no shame writing here that there have been times I have wished I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I have no shame sharing with you that I have thought about what the most painless way to kill myself would be.

Mental health issues are not shameful

Please do not ever be afraid to ask for help for fear that you will be shamed by those who you have asked for help from. Please also do not listen to the "judgement" that comes your way. I say this because I saw a post this morning from SkyNews:

https://news.sky.com/story/richard-osman-tv-presenter-opens-up-about-difficult-journey-with-food-addiction-12503982?fbclid=IwAR0dkAmL2MrW5JslZJVvIHFq4OWmo3Fikfe9bDgz3HHSLuldYu56qFm7N_o

Above image source, screenshot from Facebook

I haven't taken screenshots of the horrible comments on it because it's unnecessary. My point is that nobody understands how difficult life is with an eating disorder.

I have an eating disorder

I have had trouble my whole life with it, from being morbidly obese to underweight. Just because I look a normal body weight today, doesn't mean I'm not battling with mental health issues. These are things that people don't understand, so when I'm telling you to please reach out and ask for help - I really mean it.

I have grown a thick skin over the years to the point that I even become numb at times. For the most part I'm okay - but I really have trouble some days to do something as simple as EAT.

Does that make me any less worthy of help if I reach out for it? No.

That's just one mental health issue

There are so many people suffering with different problems relating to mental health. I can speak about eating disorders because I know about them from experience. There are other people with clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, I could name hundreds of things that could cause a person to want to commit suicide. The three I have listed here, are just 3 examples of patients that I have attempted to bring back to life - and failed. Three patients (there have unfortunately been more) who I couldn't bring back to life. Some of them had been dead for days before we were called. Some of them had done things to themselves which nobody could have saved them from.

The Families and Friends...seeing the pain they have gone through when they realize their loved one has taken their own life. It hits me in my soul it hurts so badly.

Please ask for help when these thoughts come into your mind

The anguish that a suicide causes is something that is immeasurable. I can promise you that there is no situation in the world that is bad enough to end your life. People sometimes use the cliché phrase of:

Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem.

I listened to my friend today, wonder about what she or anyone else could have done to stop the loved one ending their life. It was devastating and it was a reminder for me that the pain it brings to people is not the answer.

Do you feel that your suicide will cause people harm that have hurt you?

If that is your reason for doing it, then please listen to me when I tell you, YOUR life is worth more than revenge, or somebody else's opinion about you, or the harm you wish to cause them.

YOU are valued.

YOU are special.

YOU deserve to be here.

There is no winner in suicide. Ending the argument / feud / issue with death doesn't resolve anything. Do you know what will fix it?

• Be the person you want to be. Work on your self-confidence and discovering who you are.

• Live the life you want to live. Choose your own path. Make your own mistakes and learn from them. Don't follow someone else's trail. Be you.

• Find love. True love. Waking up each day knowing that there is someone who you can share your life with is the most beautiful thing in the world. And if you're about to roll your eyes and say "nobody could ever love me". You're wrong. You will find the perfect person, you might not believe it right now - I didn't when someone told me that. And then I found the man that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. We have been together since 2014 and I never for one second believed that I would find TRUE love. All I had was partners who treated me as less than what I am, and then he showed me what it's like to be loved. My life is full, complete, and even though we are so far apart and haven't seen each other in so long, even though we have had fights because we have been apart - I cannot imagine my world without him.

• Surround yourself with friends and family who care. And if you have no family that care - your friends will turn into your family. Family is not only defined by blood, it is defined by those who are there for you - those who behave like family.

And lastly, but most importantly...

PLEASE reach out. Please speak to someone. Please ask for help. If you are reading this, and you feel like you don't want to be here anymore - please reach out.

There is no shame in asking for help. You deserve to live a beautiful life, don't let the dark place that you are in take away all of the good your life will bring.

🌺🌻 Find the rose amongst the thorns, find the brightness through the darkness 🌺🌻

Above image by Pixabay User: GoranH

If you are concerned about someone

Please be aware of some of the warning signs:

• Changes in music taste

Sometimes people begin listening to really dark music when they are in a bad place, they seek out the sad songs. If you hear some music which is abnormal and out of the ordinary - ask if the person is okay, if they want to talk about anything.

• Writing poetry

My cousin wrote poetry before she killed herself. She wrote about the angel of death. The suicide notes I have found when I've been to patients - some of it has been poetry of death.

• Becoming reclusive

When a person becomes withdrawn they lose touch with those they love and the things that are important. When they are pushing you away - don't just take it as a mood swing and give up. It might be a cry for help. They might just need someone to hold them and talk to them. Let them vent their feelings.

• Changes in temperament / routine

A person who normally attends work regularly and begins to be late, get disciplinary hearings, when people start fighting. Lose their work. There are things going on - reach out to them.

• "Odd" statements

Things that just don't quite add up - don't just dismiss the "I wish I was dead". Help them. Talk about why, find a solution together.

• Drug and alcohol consumption

That speaks for itself - but increased use of prescription medications, illegal drugs or alcohol. People engage in abuse of substances because there is something wrong in their lives.

• Suicide attempts

Don't just take it as "attention seeking". One day that person will succeed and you will regret not trying to help them. If you are unable to help them because you are unable to for one reason or another - find someone who can help. Get professional help. Call an ambulance, a doctor, do something. Don't just do nothing.

I hope this helps someone

Please just ask for help and reach out. There is nothing so bad that it is not fixable. Don't give up on yourself, because I won't give up on you.