I wo'nt let you stand in my way.

Behind, the mind of a broken mother. The journal of a mum with depression page 4.

I won’t let you stand in my way, not today. I could never understand your persistence to hunt me down. I could never understand your mind. You’re unpredictable.

You know when to hold me down, and when you do, you are merciless to the ground.

I hear the birds chirping good morning to each other. I hear the birds chirping to each other good wishes for a good day. I hear the birds chirping love and forgiveness. I hear the birds embracing each other.

I wonder if I would be free of you if I was a bird with wings to escape your wrath.

The cold yet comforting wind on my face as I sit here under the trees under their merciful shade. By god who created the trees as a mercy for me, you are yet to know what mercy means. The leaves on the concrete fallen freely from the trees dancing with freedom when the wind blow them the song of joy.

As I look on, wondering if they know my pain and lack of joy. I’ll be happy if you follow me around, but leave me some space to breathe with ease.You are like a lover, refuse to let go till death takes us both.I hope for some compassion from you to let me be for a day or two.

I hope for some understanding and consideration from your part, for a woman alive and confused. I’m burning with hate for you today as I look on across the mountains. I’m longing for your end that seems so far to reach

My face is stiff as ice from the chilly wind

The birds, one by one, flying away with freedom to explore the horizon and beyond, leaving me here to wonder “When and why”

I’m cold from the outside, going deep inside. And I vow to have this day in my way. I won’t let you bring me down today I won’t let you ruin my mind todayI won’t let you burn down my safety netI won’t let you stand my way, not today. I stand tall and remain determined to lift my soul beyond your cruelty.

For I need a good day as a stepping stone to where it can set me free. Today is my day to breathe with ease. God, help me defeat you like a breeze.

Depression, you are cruel, and today I met your cruelty with determination to defeat you while I have the strength to. I need this day to go my way. It’s been a long time losing to you. I’m tired of the fight, but fighting is the only way.

I’ve lost count of my losses, lost counts of my defeats, but I haven’t lost count of my heart beats for peace and salvation from your wrath. The battle must go on.

You enjoy the sound of my cries,its music in your ears. When I sit in a dark corner, you stand on my head watching me beg for mercy. When I curl up on my bed, you tell me stories of the past. You tell me how worthless this life is and how worthless I am.

You love to make me feel guilty over little things, getting take aways for the kids because I can’t cook. You scold me, telling me, good mothers don’t feed their kids take aways. When I can’t do laundry for days, you tell me; I don’t deserve the kids God has given me. I’m useless and pathetic. I can’t get their laundry done on time. When I can’t clean the house you tell me, I am a waste of a man’s time, my husband deserves better than me, there is another woman out there that can clean the house as he works hard to pay the bills and to put food on the table. When the dishes piles unwashed days on ends, you call me filthy and ungrateful.

You have cut my heart into million pieces only to have you put it back together to cut it again into a million pieces.

When I’m in the shower sitting on the floor boring out my tears, the world closing on me. It’s a square box where I can have some peace under the water as is running down my head. It’s the only time I feel your absence. It’s an escape from your cruelty, a place for the world to leave me alone to be. It’s one of the rare treasures I have; the shower cubicle is a rescue refuge for a woman who is a victim of merciless depression.

Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 12-3-2021