Your Wife's Beauty Is Beyond Your Eyes
You wanted to get married, and so you did—to the girl you were in love with, the first girl that took your breath away. You swore you would take care of her, love her, and honor her till the day you both died.
No, a beautiful girl was more beautiful than her, at least in your eyes; your eyes were fulfilled, and your heart was full of her love. You adored her with all your heart.
You couldn’t wait to start a family and have a few kids to complete your dream life with the girl you believed was just for you.
One year into your marriage, and the good news of an addition to your family has reached you. It was a day of tears full of joy. Your dream fulfilled your dream life, building and unfolding.
You cared for your lovely wife, the love of your life. You pampered her and took good care of her. She was as beautiful as ever during her pregnancy. You couldn’t wait to tell all your friends and co-workers the good news, and when you finally did, everyone was glad for you both.
All people saw in your eyes was happiness. You tell everyone you're going to be a dad. You shared with everyone your plans for this child. Excellent schools, a good life, and a happy life.
You wanted to buy a new home, a family home, and you did. You worked hard for it, but all the hard work paid off, with all your dreams unfolding slowly.
You moved into your new home with your wife, and you both went out shopping for the nursery. You spent money to buy the best for this child along the way. For you, no amount of money is worth more than this child, and the fulfilment of your dream is more important than money. You worked long hours just to make this big dream come true.
The day your wife went to the hospital to have the baby, you were so excited and happy; you took three weeks off work to look after your wife and the new baby.
In the hospital, the staff noticed your smile; you were just a thrilled father to be.
You attended the birth of your child; you saw the pain your wife went through; how can this be? How can having a child be with such intense pain? How could I accept having the woman I love so much go through such agonising pain?
Your heart overflowed with love and empathy for the woman screaming out of pain to give birth to the child you desperately want. Without this child, you cannot fulfil your dream of a perfect family.
You promised yourself you would love your wife even more after witnessing what she went through to have this baby.
The day came when you took your wife and baby home. Now that reality has finally sunk in, the family you have always wanted is now a reality and no longer a dream.
Your sleep got disturbed, but that’s not a problem. The mom is always up and ready to tend to the baby while you sleep. When the baby is sick, she is the one taking care of the baby as you sleep.
You appreciate her efforts; you acknowledge she is tired and sometimes needs a rest.
Her body changed, leaving stretch marks all over her tummy, legs, and breasts. She has put on weight, she’s looking tired every day, and she is no longer the slim, vibrant girl you once married.
You pull yourself away. The beautiful woman you married is no longer the woman you sleep with at night next to you in bed. Do you mind rejecting how she looks?
Her looks, her weight, the way she looks, when she didn’t have sleep all night because of the baby, disgust you.
You create arguments over small things as an excuse to leave the house.
Slowly, you come home late. You didn’t hide your feelings from her. You were honest with her; you told her you didn’t like her looks and weight after the baby.
You forgot the pain you witnessed with your own eyes when she was giving birth to this child you desperately wanted. Now that you're disgusted with her looks and the way she dresses in baggy clothes, you don’t want to be seen with her anymore.
You forgot the nine long months of hardship and painful childbirth she had to endure to bring you the baby you wanted.
You wanted a beautiful wife, a beautiful family, a pleasant home with a nice car, and your child in a wonderful school. You got all that, but then you cast aside the most important part of the family you made.
You base your love of beauty on the idea that one day it will eventually disappear. As you, her, and everyone else get old, it will reduce us to nothing but leather and rough skin, ready to be put under the soil for the worms.
You’re a man without morals and values beyond the eyes and what they see.
While you resent how your wife looks after the baby, the baby attached and loved his mother. For him, his mother is the love she emits from her soul to him, not her weight or her looks. The child loves his mother unconditionally, without a doubt.
For you? A woman is an object to please a man’s desires—to be beautiful and stay beautiful in order for a man to love her. Love for you is something that can only exist in your heart when you see what your eyes like; the strength of your eyesight is too poor to see through a woman's looks and figures.
You forgot to ask why your daddy remained married to your mother after you were born, and after your birth, it caused her to put on weight, look tired, and be exhausted.
You love and adore your mother; you talk about her love and all the things she did for you and your siblings. It’s all that matters to you. Your father always praises your mother and talks about how great she is as a mother, a wife, and a woman.
You forgot your tears when you saw your wife give birth to your child; you forgot her bravery and her determination to bring that child to this world alive and well. Her own life was put at risk, and here you are, ungrateful.
Can a man see a woman beyond her looks, her figure, her breasts, and her buttocks? Is a woman a human to adore and appreciate for what she brings to this world? Does a woman deserve recognition for her contribution to society when she takes care of the future generation for free?
Does it really have to be in love with conditions? Is it the only love you can give a woman? What about respect, appreciation, and honor? Is that too much to ask?
Good men become good husbands; they become good fathers; they become excellent role models for boys and men of the future.
The Poor Man Love And The Rich Man Love
An Inspirational Story- based on a true story, written in my creative way to bring out emotions.
That day, when she took my heart. I couldn’t sleep, lying in the dark trying to figure out how to have her in my bed and never let her go anywhere again.
From then on, I wasn’t able to focus on a thing in life. She was all I wanted in life. She’s the one for me from then on.
My job, don’t pay me enough to build her a house, to buy her a car, to take her out.
My heart beats with anxiety, worrying someone will snatch her from my heart.
I’ve thought of everything that I could do to make my dream come true faster than a shooting star.
She doesn’t know; she took my heart. She never knew. I had a crush on her. That’s crushing me alive.
Words, spreads like wildfire, a guy had turned up her door steps to meet her parents. He had dinner with them, presenting himself to be their future son-in-law.
A well-to-do guy, drives a mustang, wears a suit, doesn’t fish? Don’t chop woods, don’t hunt.
He eats in fancy restaurants, goes for vacations, sails a yacht with a bedroom, a kitchen and a room for his friends.
I drowned in tears, drowned in a pain that I can’t explain.
I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t go to work. Nothing has a meaning anymore. I lost what I ever wanted, lost my dream to a man with a yacht.
He stole my girl and stole my heart with her. She took my heart to another man’s house.
I’m here now, sitting in the dark corner of this room, grieving my pain, waiting and praying. One day she’ll realise the simple man next door is the one she wants.
I’m waiting for her to come back home to the countryside. I’ll be waiting to tell her all about my heartache.
If she doesn’t come back, I hope she’ll be okay; I hope he loves her right, but I know he can’t love her like I do.
I’ll take her love with me to the grave. I don’t want another girl; I don’t want any other in my heart.
There’s no place for anyone else. My heart is full of her shadow with an aching throb that thumbs with every beat.
I’m not a rich man, I’m not an actress or anyone important, but I am in love, and my love is sincerely. I know I have a chest of treasure to give any girl that fills my heart. Treasure no one will ever understand and appreciated but a girl who looks for what I have.
A poor man is always the one left behind, the rich man is always the one taken all the respect and recognition, though they don’t deserve it. They buy love, money is their power. I don’t buy love; I have it already in my heart; I don’t need money to generate love, nor do I need favors to love back.
A genuine love is a love that accepts and respects no matter what.
Copyright- @JoyOfWomanhood - 1-6-2022
Let The Boys Cry - Love makes a man.
Image is a photo of one of my paintings from my painting collections. (image is mine)
Daddy wants me to be a man. He wants me to go fishing, to go hunting, and to be a mechanic.
When I fall off my bike and cried, daddy gets angry and told me not to cry like a little girl.
Daddy said; Toughen up, boys don’t cry, only girls cry. Boys are tough. They can fight, get hurt and never cry.
To be a man, you mustn’t cry.
As a young man, I walk like a man, shoulders up, chins up, let everyone knows, here comes Tommy the man.
Inside, I’m fighting my emotions. I'm broken and confused. But I'm the man my daddy wants to be his son. I’m a man that never cried, strong and mighty.
But daddy had a way to release those emotions like a man. He bash mama like a bunch bag. Bunch me in the face of the mike Tyson way.
When I fell on the ground, he told me to stand up and fight him.
Daddy said, fight me if you’re a man. I couldn’t do it. Daddy said, You can’t fight because you’re a coward, you're not a man.
I walked away to the street. Johnny came from the other side with his own black eye. He’s daddy gave him a swing when he hammered the wood instead of the head of the nail.
When I became a daddy, I had to choose to cry or not to cry.
I cried when I saw my wife in pain during labour pains.
When my son was born, I pick him up with tears rolling down my face.
My son was born crying from the second he popped his head out into a crazy world. That will tell him not to cry like a sissy, cause boys don’t cry, but he was born crying.
Let the boy's cry. It’s the only way to get rid of the pain and break the cycle of violence. Boys cry too, boys know how to love and show it when crying. Boys are human too. They feel pain, happiness, tiredness and stress; they have emotions too.
When boys don’t cry, they make their wives and kids cry, their ego grow bigger than their hearts.
They feel a false feeling of man-hood, because deep inside, they’re battling their tears pockets to stay dry.
To make a ticking bomb is to tell them " boys don't cry". To make a criminal is to beat them till they're broken and their hearts ripped apart from the hurt and hate.
Let the boy's cry, their hearts and souls out. Let them find their place in the world, in a gently soothing way, that’ll shape them better, feed them with love to share as they grow to become men. Men with big hearts, who are not ashamed to shed tears, and will not tell their boys “boys don’t cry”
Making a man means letting him cry when he's a boy. To make a man is to let them tell you they love you. To make a good man is to give him space to find he's true self, through tears and love. If you want to make a man, let him express his emotions.
Let the boy's cry, like the wolves of the night. The making of a man starts when he was a little boy. They need hugs and kisses, praises and affections.
Thank you for taking the time to read :)
Copyright- @Bree - 12-2021
He Called You A Stupid Whore - Children Need Strong Mothers
You have a daughter looking on while you cry, because daddy kicked you in the head, yelling you’re a bitch.
She sees you smile when her daddy is not home, then turn cold turkey as soon as you hear that truck pulled up.
She has recognised the patterns, learned the habits.
You think she’s not thinking, and wondering what’s going on; little did you know, those nightmares that wake her up in the middle of the night, has everything to do with your abusive life.
Your son watching daddy, rule you with an iron fist. You have no say; you have no friends. Isolated from your families.
He’s growing into a man like his daddy, continuing the cycle of abuse and violence, repeating his daddy’s attitude of someone else’s innocent daughter.
Your little darling little princess gets the wrong idea. She’s supposed to be treated like her daddy is treating you.
Comes the day, when you’ll see her with a black eye, bruises, and broken bones, giving you excuse that doesn’t add up.
You could only watch and cry, try to tell her to leave, but she learnt from you. There’s no getting away, no escape. You taught her obedience and submission are the only way.
Then a daughter and a son down the road, to complete the family made in heaven facade.
And her own perfect cycle of chaining in abusive comes to reality.
True family life she grew up in, the only type of family she knew, now completed, ready to have its seed spread down the coming generation
Your darling little boy grew into an unstable young man, fragile and broken. Daddy called you a stupid whore in front of him. Now a man, married a nice girl who grew up in a loving home. She goes to her parents with bruises from top to toes. Her caring mother asked what happened, but like you and your daughter, she lied in fear of her life. The poisonous seed grew in your hands as you feed him violence and abuse through your silence and weakness, has matured into a figure to fear, instead of a gentleman to adore and to be loved for his loving deeds from a gentle heart inside.
A year or two down the road, a son and daughter, their little secret perfect abusive family life behind iron doors, take off.
Your unhealthy sick roots spreading like a disease with many innocent generations to come into a world that could have been better, if you were strong enough to take the step to walk out and seek help and justice.
You swear you loved your darling babies with your life, but you didn’t save their lives when they desperately needed your loving mother touch. You let them down with your weakness; you allowed your fears to betray them and to rob them of a normal healthy life, not only for them but for many more generations down the road.
You wish you could do it again differently, but that is too late. You could only watch them suffer as you bury yourself under guilt and pain of a wish too late to make it true.
Now I see you with your head down, wishing you could do anything to break the cycle and save lives of men going to prison for assaults, and murder of women and children. Women and children suffer mentally, physically and emotional damage and pay for your own suffering and weakness with their lives.
It's never too late to save yourself, your children, and future generations from domestic violence and abuse.
Your courage means a better world with less violence against women and children. It means the calming sound of merry children filled the air. It means you cared enough to start the process against domestic violence, but the most important part - is that it means a lot to someone whose misery ended with joy and gratefulness.
Christmas the prosperous time for cooperates increase poverty for the poor.
What have parents taught children about Christmas?
When I was a child, I used to look forward to Christmass it’s the only time of the year I get a nice present apart from my birthday.
It was a religious occasion; we go to church have a special Christmas lunch. The Christmas carols all about Jesus, God, etc., there was nothing religiously unique for Christmas, it was only church and Christmas Carol.
We used to compare our gifts, who got the best, who got something different, and so on. At my time, there wasn’t much to choose from. Very simple gifts make us happy and sleepless. The excitement goes through the roof.
After having children of my own, I questioned the whole idea of Christmass, church, religious occasion, gifts, extravagant lunch and dinner etc,.
With Christmass manipulated so many times over the years, to coincide with a holiday, and finally to make more profit for cooperates. It now became something commercial rather than religious.
Thinking back to how alcohol was forbidden in Christianity, one wonders, how did alcohol become an important part of what it’s supposed to be a religious festival? Christmas celebration is boring in most countries without that sip of beer, wine, champagne etc,. The price of alcoholic drinks is not cheap and when you buy so many bottles to last the party, the cost adds up.
Families can go without for the rest of the year until Christmas with some throwing themselves under the mercy of debts to make a good Christmass, only to suffer later on to pay back the loan with interests.
I wondered, for how long we will continue to fall for the big cooperates tricks to extort more money from the needy and the vulnerable. When we will wake up and open our eyes to the truth surrounding our very existence to be used by big cooperates for their profit?
We are basically teaching our children how to remain submit to cooperates, how to give them money they worked hard for in exchange for a silly thing that most of the time we don’t need. When we buy gifts for Christmas, are they needed or are they just nice, something nice and different, something expensive most can’t afford, maybe something for Jesus, or are we just sucked in a culture that was built over time to get where it is now?
Are we celebrating Christmass really for the sake of Jesus or are we just simply lost and do not know why or what Christmas even stands for?
If Christmas is really a day for Jesus, then wouldn’t people be doing more righteous deeds, and celebrate with simple things, with the focus on prayers and worship?
People commit all kinds of sins around Christmas, girls get spikes and rape at parties. People get drunk and stab others to death. Fornication, adultery marks the occasion. Children witness their parents drunk and fight, other family members get drunk at parties and hurt each other. All this as we tell the children all about Christmas and Jesus, we tell the bible stories, how Jesus healed the blind and the sick, give to the poor, loving and forgiving.
The gap between the poor and the rich is forever wide, yet we are not doing anything about it. You may ask, what to do? While we can start by telling them the truth, teach them simplicity as a way of life that is more rewarding and more satisfying.
Money is to be spent on what we need, not what we want. Our needs are more important and they are very limited whiles our wants are not important and have no end.
When it comes to religious occasions, we need to know where to drawer the line between the truth, fabrication, and lies. Children become victims of our own hands. As parents, I believe we need to teach children the truth always and protect them from being used and exploit.
what is the point of taking children to school with the hope of a better future for them, when we starting off with material things as a sign of love and richness, that is buried under stress, to get those things so they can feel good about material themselves for a short time, while stress and lack of money is really eating them from inside?
Preparing our children for a better future also includes giving them the knowledge they need to survive, to be protected from the growing slavery machines of big cooperates.
Most of the time, how children turn out has a direct link with the way we parent them.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 15-12-2021
I'm a man cover in dirt.
Man, Woman And A marriage Made In Heaven. This is very much like my marriage- so this one is for those whose marriage lives are on this lane.
I got a woman who’s obsessed with clean floors, shiny benches, clean carpets and spotless bathroom tub.
But I’m a man covered in dirt. I love a woman who loves things clean.
Who wears dresses instead of jeans, loves flowers instead of whiskey, packs a picnic basket for us and the kids for a picnic in the meadows, instead of having time with friends married but not satisfied with married life.
I’m a man cover in dirt. I chop woods, drive a 4 wheel drive pickup truck in the mud. Build homes for a living.
I come home smelling like a hardworking man. I can smell that woman's amazing food from miles away. I walk straight in the door with my dirty boots, to the pot on the stove. I opened the lid, takes a deep sniff that knocked me off my boots.
The good woman I want is right here in my house. I hope she says; the good man she wants is right here in her house.
The boys in the pubs drinking their disappointments away. Joking about silly things to wipe away their pain. Some quit and move away, forget the kids and their life unfinished. They moved on to start it all over again. Some hold on with the hope they’ll wake up in heaven someday. They can’t leave the kids, can’t leave a woman behind unless you’re not a man.
A man’s status can be as heavy as a blue whale on a man’s back. A mans pride is in his patience and dedication to his family no matter what.
But this man got it right the first throw. I have a woman every man wishes they have.
Keeping the right woman deserves a big fight and lots of sacrifices. Just as keeping the right man deserves a fight and sacrifice.
Come on now, stop complain about my dirty boots staining the carpet. A man has to get his boots dirty to put food on the table, dear. A man has got to get his boots dirty to get a roof over the heads of his kids and wife. You like the house clean, so you put the pot outside the door, so my dirty boots won’t leave dirt behind every step I take towards your pot with a divine aroma that heals a man’s day of hardwood.
I’m a man in dirty boots and dirty jeans- I build homes to feed the kids, take the good woman of my life for a time in the wild, away from the buzzing poison city life. I got a good woman; she loves to cook and clean; she loves me like no other, but she hates my dirty boots, but loves how I’m a man cover in dirt. But clean in the heart and the love I have for her. She knows I have eyes only for her. She knows I have no place for another one; she knows she has the lock to my heart. Though I am a man cover in dirt.
Copyright: @JoyofWomanhood -12-12-2021
The way forward.
If we don’t move forward, we will forever stuck in the mud of self-destruction.
Whenever you’re physically drain, it’s because, you’re mentally drained, all sorts of unpleasant, unwanted things and feelings surface.
As these starts to float, our minds starts to follow these emotions and feelings, keeping a close eye on them as they float freely is important. Our breathing, movement, thinking becomes narrow, tight and confuse.
This is because we are drowning in all the negative unwell emotions and feelings that are floating around us, and the more we focus on them, the worse we feel and get. We go from managing to complete shut down. The ball has now started to roll, how far it will go? How long it will roll? This is a question you alone can answer.
You can stop any major turmoil half way if you want, you can prevent more chaos if you want, you can also just sit back and watch then think about what has now become a considerable mess once it’s over.
Know the difference between physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion. Mental power is 75% percent, while physical power is only 25%.
When you’re physically tired, keep it away from your mind, deal with it as you feel it. Do what you need to do to heal the body. The mind is fine, just the body had its fair share of whatever was going on in the day.
Maintain your mind wellbeing at these times for a speedy recovery.
When you’re mentally tired, your body will most likely give way. Remember, there is the 75% against the 25%.
In this case, the solution is in the mind. Reverse the negative tsunami coming from your mind by thinking the opposite of every negative thought that hits at you. When you do this, do it with utmost sincerity, with a DONE! Attitude and confidence.
As I struggle with my illness, I’m finding myself seeking refuge in my mind, the very thing that lead me to destruction.
As I go through many trials and struggles to survive, I also find peace, love, and compassion for others struggling with all sorts of struggles in life.
To be able to speak up, to share what might help others is truly a powerful thing, that gives me the will and the determination to go through life as it comes, to experience both pain and happiness while finding solutions that might help others make their lives a little easier.
I now know, I could never understand someone else’s situation unless I’ve been there.
My walk of life is only mine, someone else’s walk of life is only theirs.
While each of us live a secret life of struggles, pain, unhappiness, and sorrow etc. for whatever reason, at the end of the day, we almost all feel the same physical, emotional and psychological effect, this is because we are all human.
We are, but, a complicated creation.
We can choose to keep to ourselves and pretend the world and all people are doing great, choose to deny, continue living and ignore the fact, many are suffering the same way as you.
I choose to talk, to write, to tell the truth as it is, in the hope, others may learn and help families and friends, others will learn for themselves.
I choose to speak for those who have no strength to speak their stories,to express their pain struggles.
Depression is a stigma to many, for me, depression is a test of my strength, my determination, my love for myself and my family. A test of my compassion for others and a microscope to see through others struggles with kindness, compassion, sympathy and mercy without judgement.
It’s through depression I learned, to speak the Voice of those who face injustice, racism, isolation and many other issues using my writings.
Though I’m not a prominent journalist that can have a major impact on the issues I care about dedicating my time to write about, it still matters to me, to do my part and put it out there, if I do indeed have empathy and compassion for others.
We don’t have to take big steps to look after ourselves and to care for ourselves and others. Small consistency steps can adds up to a mountain of successful and satisfying outcomes.
Are situations and circumstances don’t have to be a bad thing, yes, it may cause us some, pain, sadness, unhappiness etc., but if we are willing to find peace in such matters to help ease our struggles, we can choose to see it from a positive angle.
Look for the lesson in these problems, put energy into finding solutions to solve the problems, instead of letting it beat us to a physical and mental paraplegic state.
copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood
12-2021
It’s the holiday season.
It’s the holiday season
Some people packing up some suitcases board the plane to fly to the Bahamas
Some load up their RV and hit the road heading to some place nice and cool
Others load up their cars, off they go on the highway to see families and friends.
And I stand at the window looking out at the ocean with its waves hitting the rocks.
Imagining the love of my life appearing from the shores, and I’m
running over to hold him tight to my heart.
But then, the hell sinks in, he’s not coming back no more, he’s taken by someone else.
This is a holiday from hell. People out and about celebrating the holidays. Some dancing all night, turning round and round with the love of their lives.
But I’m here alone by myself, drinking tears of a love lost to my free spirit that couldn’t quiet down and listen to his needs.
All he wanted is time with me. All he wanted is for me to see how much I mean to him, how much he’s prepared to let go of everything that ever mattered to him, just to make me love him back the way he loved me.
But all I wanted is to have fun, go out with the girls while he’s home alone by himself.
When I come home, he’s still awake waiting for me, with a smile of relived and his eyes opened wide when he sees me. He gives me a hugs and whispers in my ear“ I love you girl”.
Some lessons are hard to swallow, some lessons bite into where it hurts, deep in the heart.
This one, I won't stay alive for long, I know there’s no other like the man I lost.
My regrets don’t make it easier or acceptable to be alone during the holidays without the man I loved the most. Without the true soul, rare as pink pearl from the deep ocean.
No one can replace the true love of my life. I’ll take the blame, I’ll shed tears of the loss of the pearl of my life.
I’m responsible, I’m a girl with a free spirit, that won’t cool, that won’t sit still, a girl too wild to see what’s good for her.
Could someone please educate me on how to change my wallet address on read.cash :)
I'm having a problem with my wallet. I saw people complain about missing money from their wallet and I am one of those people now, though I just started here a week or two ago.
Is it really possible this is happening or is there a glitch that will fix itself?
If this is really an issue, then I might just have to bow farewell to read.cash. I'll give changing my address and see how it goes, when I know how to do that one.
A million Thank you :)
I Feel Like A Fool
When you get married while you still young, you sell your youth for love, then one day you realised you missed something that was part of you. But now you're living in a different lane.
I don’t know what to say, don’t know what to do, I just feel like a fool. I feel like I wasn’t old enough to tie the knot.
In hindsight, I was afraid and in denial. I didn’t know what I wanted from you. I didn’t know what I was stepping into.
Still young, living in the shadow of a life without goals. Going from house to house, living with people I hardly knew. Connected through blood, I don’t appreciate.
Remembering how I used to cry all the time, how I used to wonder why life was passing me by, whiles I was still trying to figure out who am I. I got thrown into the fire of immaturity, living in a world of enormous responsibility. Trying to be the best I could be, trying hard to be the wife you wanted me to be.
I looked up at you; believed in you, believed I got the best man a woman could get. I tried to settle my mind, and be the one big thing in your life and you be the best thing in my life.
If you and me felt like a fantasy- I wouldn’t have a problem sleeping next to you like a fairy from happy land wrapped in laces embroidered with diamonds and gold.
I wasn’t sure why I was still so immature, not wasn’t sure about anything thrown in my way; No one prepared me to live a life bigger than me; I didn’t expect life was going to be a nightmare I couldn’t escape.
Many times I felt I made a mistake, sometimes I felt I got betrayed. But the reality was more than my brain could take. I was ripping the reward of my doing. The “I wished I’d known “phrase ripped through my head. Regrets mounting above me, wriggling my heart dry of any piece of happiness to survive.
How long I will have to cry about the things I didn’t know? It wasn’t good for me. Bury me alive under the burden of grief over my youth taken from me? Maybe I will come out of this misery with a grown up mind, out of the wild dreams and hope to return to my youth and live it as I should have?
I will never grow up. I will never be the adult you want me to. I’m like a child with children, a mum with a desire for the world to turn purple and pink when I blink. I’m stuck in my childhood, because I never lived the life of a child when I was one.
Now I’m in a world that no sense to me, a world too mature, too polite for me. I’m lost in the wildest forest of proper adults living to make big decisions about life. Because I’m still a child living in a body of an adult. Age in numbers is nothing that matters. My inner self could not accept I grow up like a woman when I didn’t live the life of a child.
It’s a different time, fresh minds around me, but I’m still the same inside. Nothing can make me live and breath adult life inside. I’m stuck in time, my clock broken at childhood time, now I can’t move forward to be the woman mature for a man to live together like a man and woman would in a normal life.
You want to do what men and women would do, hold a conversation like a woman and man would, but I’m bored with adult life. I’m bored with mum life every day. When I’m carried away, you wonder what I’m thinking of, as I dream of being a butterfly beautiful and free to explore the big wide world without limits.
Down deep somewhere, in my heart, there is a soft little spot for the children I bore in this world. I’m sacrificing for the babies depending on me to take for them. God forbid I repeat mother’s mistakes. Some consideration for the innocents who came along into my life. They resulted from my decisions; I am responsible for them. My heart would not let me walk away to find what I lost at their expense.
I surrendered to my heart. I couldn’t let go of what I’ve worked hard to patch and to iron flat and perfect. I have made a new reality, though not as easy as a breeze, but we’ll done to ease my journey to recreate a new me.
Some times I will drown in sorrow but that’s okay, I know someday I will look back and feel proud of myself for the only right decision I have ever made, includes my whole family. I would realised then how much goodness I have and how much love I have been holding in my heart for the children and the man I grew to love, throwing away selfishness for my happiness alone and choose the ones who have become a part of who I am today.
Give me a chance to give it my best to hold on to what we have built together all our lives., a life we started when we were still young and innocent with no one to guide us but our hearts fallen in love with each, against all difficulties facing us on our way.
God forbid I become a fool and undo all the good work I did in place of a desire that may never be the same today.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 12-7-2021
Image: copyright @JoyOfWomanhood 12-7-2021
I wo'nt let you stand in my way.
Behind, the mind of a broken mother. The journal of a mum with depression page 4.
I won’t let you stand in my way, not today. I could never understand your persistence to hunt me down. I could never understand your mind. You’re unpredictable.
You know when to hold me down, and when you do, you are merciless to the ground.
I hear the birds chirping good morning to each other. I hear the birds chirping to each other good wishes for a good day. I hear the birds chirping love and forgiveness. I hear the birds embracing each other.
I wonder if I would be free of you if I was a bird with wings to escape your wrath.
The cold yet comforting wind on my face as I sit here under the trees under their merciful shade. By god who created the trees as a mercy for me, you are yet to know what mercy means. The leaves on the concrete fallen freely from the trees dancing with freedom when the wind blow them the song of joy.
As I look on, wondering if they know my pain and lack of joy. I’ll be happy if you follow me around, but leave me some space to breathe with ease.You are like a lover, refuse to let go till death takes us both.I hope for some compassion from you to let me be for a day or two.
I hope for some understanding and consideration from your part, for a woman alive and confused. I’m burning with hate for you today as I look on across the mountains. I’m longing for your end that seems so far to reach
My face is stiff as ice from the chilly wind
The birds, one by one, flying away with freedom to explore the horizon and beyond, leaving me here to wonder “When and why”
I’m cold from the outside, going deep inside. And I vow to have this day in my way. I won’t let you bring me down today I won’t let you ruin my mind todayI won’t let you burn down my safety netI won’t let you stand my way, not today. I stand tall and remain determined to lift my soul beyond your cruelty.
For I need a good day as a stepping stone to where it can set me free. Today is my day to breathe with ease. God, help me defeat you like a breeze.
Depression, you are cruel, and today I met your cruelty with determination to defeat you while I have the strength to. I need this day to go my way. It’s been a long time losing to you. I’m tired of the fight, but fighting is the only way.
I’ve lost count of my losses, lost counts of my defeats, but I haven’t lost count of my heart beats for peace and salvation from your wrath. The battle must go on.
You enjoy the sound of my cries,its music in your ears. When I sit in a dark corner, you stand on my head watching me beg for mercy. When I curl up on my bed, you tell me stories of the past. You tell me how worthless this life is and how worthless I am.
You love to make me feel guilty over little things, getting take aways for the kids because I can’t cook. You scold me, telling me, good mothers don’t feed their kids take aways. When I can’t do laundry for days, you tell me; I don’t deserve the kids God has given me. I’m useless and pathetic. I can’t get their laundry done on time. When I can’t clean the house you tell me, I am a waste of a man’s time, my husband deserves better than me, there is another woman out there that can clean the house as he works hard to pay the bills and to put food on the table. When the dishes piles unwashed days on ends, you call me filthy and ungrateful.
You have cut my heart into million pieces only to have you put it back together to cut it again into a million pieces.
When I’m in the shower sitting on the floor boring out my tears, the world closing on me. It’s a square box where I can have some peace under the water as is running down my head. It’s the only time I feel your absence. It’s an escape from your cruelty, a place for the world to leave me alone to be. It’s one of the rare treasures I have; the shower cubicle is a rescue refuge for a woman who is a victim of merciless depression.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 12-3-2021
I was a lady in the making
I didn’t grow up in a Palace; I grew up in a shack.
I didn’t sleep in a soft bed. I walked to school. Sometimes with no food.
But I was a lady in the making.
I never felt love from my mother
Nor I felt love from her family and parents, especially her father.
But I’ve always had grandma from my father.
A step grandpa
His step brothers and sisters to comfort me with love.
They didn’t have to tell me they loved me.
My heart felt it deep inside every time I see them.
But I was a lady in the making.
I grew sad when I’m away from my grandma
I grew anxious every time I’m around my mother
I felt some comfort and peace in the presence of my father
I walked on eggshells all my life.
But I was a lady in the making.
I could look back and cried sometimes.
But the life of the past has taught me some things priceless.
I grew up unhappy most of the time.
Didn’t know what my life would be at the end, but God had a plan.
I was a lady in the making.
I became a mother, a wife and a lady.
A mother with a family and a warm home full of love.
Children I miss and shed tears for when they’re away.
A husband with big shoes no other can fill.
I was a lady in the making, and now I’ve reached my life destiny
Life couldn’t be better, if only I knew.
I wouldn’t cry as much as I did
I would have been a little patient
Perhaps pretend it wasn’t painful to be an unloved child.
Maybe stay stronger and look on.
But I was a lady in the making, rough life was an ingredient of the process I couldn’t deny.
Fear of mother filled my heart with love to give my children.
Unpleasant life growing up with the mother I had made me the mother I am.
I can now look back, feel the pain, sheds some tears and say,
“It’s all over now,”
Because I was a lady in the making.
I’m a house-wife and a mother and I’m proud.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood - 12-2-2021
Come A Little Closer My Friend
Come a little closer, my friend. Let’s go for a walk. We need to talk. Why don’t you want to come out to the natural light. Why don’t you want to walk and talk.
I know that pain. I see you in chains. Cut the chains and set yourself free. Breath in and out slowly until you cut yourself loose while still whole.
Your head spinning. Your mind hazy. Save yourself, cause girlfriend, I tell you, no one can save you but you alone. Get yourself together. You and I need some time together.
Life is moving on fast, and with every beat of your heart, you’re missing out on sunlight and brilliant stars shining through the dark.
Trade your bed for the train, let’s go for a ride, explore the world beyond the walls, locking you in to your pain. Trade your tears for the cool seas, let’s swim and dive to the bottom of the ocean, explore a peaceful world deeper below the earth, learn a lesson or two from its inhabitants on how to live in a different wildness in freedom and joy.
I know that pain. Why do you lock yourself up in those chains? Why do you let others step over you? Why can’t you step up your game. Why can’t you say, “I need to break free?
There’s only one you and one life. If you allow me, I’ll help you through. Knock the door until it opens up on you.
Put on your skirt.
Put on your boots.
Shake your head and brush your hair.
Straighten your boast and start walking.
Dance through the crowd like no one is around.
Own the moment and be proud.
Do your thing like no one could.
Get in the spotlight and start shining the spark of your eyes.
Never look back.
Never feel sad.
Lock away the past.
Step over the pain.
Release your strength.
Reveal your glowing self.
Rise above the enemy.
Let your power spark.
You’re the hero of your soul.
Now keep on walking and walking!!!
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood - 11-30-2021
I'm An Introvert
I’m an introvert, but I’m kind.
I’m depressed but I’m strong.
I don’t drink, but I’m wise.
I don’t smoke, but I’m sane.
Some times I’m lonely, but I’m not phony.
I’m a mum with a sweetheart, but sometimes I cry. I’m tired, but still smiling. You see me around and think of nothing, but I’m not just another. People make assumptions about me, but I’m at peace. Some times I crawl, but I get up again. Sometimes I fall, but quick to stand and walk.
Life is tough, but so am I. I don’t give up. I don’t surrender otherwise, or I wouldn’t be here writing. Why should I when I can stand tall in the storm? When I can fight my own wars, When I can raise my flag of victory.
If you see me cry, don’t worry, I’ll be alright. Let me be, because you won’t understand. Life has many times stood in my way, but I’m always ready to stand up in its face. Life is a battlefield, but I can survive, and I always will.
Sometimes I cry, sometimes I smile. Sometimes I reach out to the skies. It doesn’t matter the situation, you will always find me strong and standing. Where ever I go, my strength follows me, my resilience never gives up on me.
The power to heal and to be whatever you want to be is within you and me.
This is what I am, in the eyes, of the many passing by. I am just another human like anyone else, but for me, I am more than what the world can see.
My strength and my beauty of mind are my secrets to living without pain when I need it.
People likes to throw around the word introvert. It’s often associated with loneliness, someone not normal, someone weird unfriendly, in different. Nothing positive with introvert in this world. So watch out not to reveal you’re an introvert if people's perspective of this character is too harsh for your heart to accept.
I’m an introvert and I love every moment living with it.
I’m always nervous when I hear we’re going to see a friend of my husband. My husband often says, I’m not social. Oh, speaking of “not social” people also refers to introverts and anti-social beings.
I prefer to embrace my unique qualities and characters, whether people like it and as they wish to see it. I’ve made depression my thing, introvert, anxiety and whatever else there, I made them all part of me. I can’t divorce myself from these things, though I did not ask for it. I fight the low times of depression whenever attacks me, and for me, it’s one war I can focus on. As for the rest, why make a big issue of it. They’re not as destructive as depression, so perhaps if I just accept them as part of me, I will be okay. Fewer battles to deal with.
People born with birth defects often create ways to cope with life and become extremely good at it. People see it as miracles. But there really is no miracle there. These people have learnt to live with these defects knowing they will never be free of them, and the only way to live a good life is to make it part of who they are. They have just proved society wrong and stupid in its face.
It’s not us, introverts who made us, loners, antisocial etc, Society attached those tags to us. We believe we are, as society says, so we shrink in a hole. We feel we are not normal; we don’t fit in society. We feel little and insignificant.
Whenever I get invited to a social gathering, I tell the person I am an introvert. I learned through my battle with depression, to never shy away from what have I become. I have full right to live as I wish with joy and acceptance according to what I am and no one may make me feel otherwise.
As an introvert, I love the time I spent at home; I have a family to care for, so I have all the time in the world to do laundry, clean the house, sometimes experiment with some new recipes, plant something etc., clean a window or two, okay, someone might say: really? That’s not life or what a boring life- so what do I say to that? Well, it’s my life, not yours. This is how I want to live my life. This way of life makes me happy. I’m not here to look out for others’ happiness and live like others. If my way of life seems odd to others? That’s a good thing, because it means I’m unique and I love that, nothing wrong with that.
I couldn’t care less about society. Society is a big thing. Everyone is busy with his own blessing and drowning in his own unfortunate struggles. No one cares if I am okay or not, they only care if I’m not like society, but why would I have to sit in a bar and gulp down a glass of beer when I don’t drink - just so to fit in, to validate society believes?
Opening my mind to the truth, accepting the reality, being in the now of who I really am, is freedom. It’s the ultimate love I can give myself. It’s the most respectful thing I can do for myself. It’s rewarding, uplifting, empowering, and it makes me a complete human being. Is that not what everyone wants? To be complete?
As much as I dislike, what others think of people with disabilities and people with illnesses, emotional, phycological and physical unfortunate imbalance they didn’t ask for. I also dislike our weakness to stand up for our own rights to be what we are, to voice our objections to the world's narrow minded heads and lack of compassion and understanding of our dilemma.
I can’t stop others thinking of me the way they do, and I can’t enter their heads with a screwdriver to tighten or to loosen a few nuts. But I can manage my own way of thinking to suit me. I can think with my brain in my favor. To allow myself to be a great person, a capable person, a person with compassion for others, is all in my hands. I have the power to make me who I want to be, to be functional with all the challenges attached to me.
A perception is just a perception. It becomes a reality when we believe it is.
You design and build your own fortress to protect yourself or you let us do it for you in their way and believes to bring you down.
You take control of your life; you live in peace. You get stronger and you lead a victorious life against society non sense.
Who cares if the world thinks otherwise, after all It's your life.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood -11-28-2021
Fire In My Brain-Behind The Mind Of A Broken Mother.
At the peak of my depression, my diary was all I have to talk to. My life derailing in-front of my eyes. If you suffer from depression, and you're reading this? Congratulation- You made it to another day and I hope everyday you get stronger until you become victoria.
The world is nowhere near to me. I’m floating in my world between Heaven and Earth thought I was free of this despair, as I fight on to stay alive every single day. Things seem to go fine until I get one blow that makes everything worthless and life too much of a painful to live with.one more last breath is not negotiable, it’s not possible.
Too tired of a life with no laughter, tired of waking up to the madness and the chaos of a kitchen full of dishes from one end to the other. A house that gets cleaned every day but never stays cleaned, laundry that never ends.
Meals to prepare, the burden of motherhood with depression of a mother suffering depression, trying hard to make it possible to fulfil all my duties takes a toll on my mind, my sanity at constant attack. Loneliness in my head beats my heart slow like a derailed train about to roll. Hopeless and helplessness sinks deeper and deeper into the bottom of the earth, taking me with it.
What should I do? Where should I go? Who should I talk to? How do I live this way? Who should I blame. Why am I here? God, please hear me and tell me, give me a sign, show me the way, take me out of this pain.
This cave is too deep, too dark to roll in it alone. I’m drowning in the hurt that is burning me inside out. I’m giving up. I’m letting my soul go. I’m losing the fight.
I’ve fought hard enough. Sometimes I win, most times I lose. Is this fight worth it? I want to believe life is worth living. I want to believe life is more than the pain cutting me inside.
I’m so tired of feeling tired, so tired of crying, so tired of breathing, so tired of not knowing what tomorrow will be like. So tired of going in it alone, so tired of wanting change. I can no longer fight this fight alone? I have no energy to fight on, no weapons strong enough to win, no armor to protect myself with from the bullets of deep pain that aims at me day after day and I can no longer pretend I can win this war.
I raised my hands to heaven begging for Mercy to lie down in my heart, for the end must be here, no more crying, no more tears, but hope for peace for everyone who believes in peace.
I dream of heaven to open its golden gates to my soul. I wish for those who suffer in silence to find the strength to fight on for what they believe. I pray for those who find life a burden they can’t carry it on any longer.
I’m down with my luck. I’m sailing to the end of a world I don’t know, like a soldier who abandoned his weapons to escape the bullets, only to get caught and charged with mutiny. My destiny in the hands of God.
I close my eyes and pray I will wake up in a better place with pigeons on my head, under an olive tree.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 11-26-2021
God Made A woman
God created a man, strong and proud. He was lonely and needed a companion. As he slept, God created a woman.
He woke up to a surprise to find a woman by his side. He asked God, Who is this. He needed a companion.
So God made a woman to love him and to comfort him. To stroll her fingers in his head when he’s under stress.
God made a woman and gave her a heart so gentle, she was to care for him like a king. He is to look after her like a Queen. She’s not like a man. She shines in the dark to lead him to the right side of life.
Man created strong to care and to protect her. To love and appreciate her. But he’s a man with hidden emotions.So God made a woman. He was to seek comfort from her with his emotions; she understands a man’s needs; she knows how to calm a man down.
God made a woman with a caring touch. She carries the baby for nine months with patience. She brings him to the world in pain. Then kiss him with tears rolling down her cheeks when she sees him enter the world screaming. Her heart softens, pain forgotten.
God made a man, then made a woman from his rib. They are one piece. They must remain together, to love, support and find peace and comfort in each other. Together they increase the population of the world.
God made a woman a mother, a sister, a daughter, a doctor, a nurse, a chef, a caregiver, an emotional healer.
God created man strong but weak in heart, so God made a woman to strengthen his heart. God made a woman weak from the outside but strong on the inside. To love and care for the weak and the sick, the invulnerable and the destitute.
To build a home, and to build the world, to tend to the soldiers injured in the wars. To breathe words of strength to the sad and the depressed. God made a woman to calm the broken hearts. To fall in love, to keep a man from doing wrong, and from falling apart.
The world needs a soul that’s strong and kind, to keep it alive with love and soothing touch. So, God made a woman.
I would like to give a big thank you to @Jento for his kind sponsorship of my writing and his ongoing support with upvoting my work. Thank you so much for the encoragement and support. It means a lot and I apperciate it from deep in my heart.
I would also like to thank all of you who have upvoted my work. Thank you for your support and your encoragement.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood -11-20-21
I don't need a friend
They say, I need a friend to talk to. A friend’s ear to unload my frustration. Someone I can trust.
But I don’t need a friend, I’m fine by myself. I don’t need someone to spread rumours about me. I don’t need another problem, I’ve got too much problems already.
Girl friends come and go, none is ever faithful. Girls have their own issues, are often emotionally sensitive, which many times leads to them giving you away faster than a Ferrari. Girls aren’t good friends to my kind. I’m too loyal to a friend.
Other people's secrets are sacred to me.
Nothing is a secret anymore once you open up your heart to someone you think you trust. Those tight friend hugs when they cross my mind. My body shiver, goosebumps all over my skin. Restless is the word to describe how I feel.
Regret is the word fit for my stupidity, welcoming wolves in my life with delight only to make me, despite all humankind. If I need a friend, it’ll be a bird. With wide wings, that can take my secrets to the end of the world.
Yes, imagine you have a loyal friend. How beautiful life would have been? Ladies will have some real listening machine that will listen to us as we empty up our chests and take that deep breath of relieved. Gentle men too will probably stay strong in their relationships, because they have some loyal friends to listen and support them without becoming the talk of the town. Their secrets safe.
Sometimes it’s worth finding other ways to get out our frustrations and the burden of our problems than friends.
Find something you love to do. Something you're passionate about that occupied your mind at difficult times. For me, I decorated (not spending on more things) I just move things around, find other things from the garage, give them new purposes (to cheer me up) Write and write and write about anything I could think of. Gardening... Bake... sometimes I just chat with my daughter on iMessage during their breaks at school. Sometimes, I chat with my husband while he’s at work. Chat with my son anytime I want. I just feel a lot more comfortable with my son. He’s very supportive of things I want to do.
Look for comfort in safe places and people that won’t hurt you down the road. Give your family a chance to be your comfort zone and your confident.
A million friends are not friends, they have a million friends of their own too. You’re just an acquaintance. Poor you, they must stab you in the back and you never saw it. All you saw was the fake smile, the jokes, and laughter.
And poor them. They must dread every moment I’m with them. My presence bitter to swallow. What a bitter pill to throw down their throats daily, when they are forced to talk about their private lives infront of me. Their own pain, and struggles exposed to the one girl they considered an enemy, simply because they had no idea where they belong and where they should stand. What a hard stressful guessing job it might have been for these poor girls.
None was straight and healthy in the brain to tell me the ugly truth. They were too cowards to expose their own insecurity. They themselves doubted one another’s friendship and loyalty. They risk sharing their own shameful inner thoughts and things they wouldn't like to share with a stranger, by not been honest beings. Because I was a stranger in that group, I just didn't know it.
I’ve learned a lesson, bitter, yet it taught me to be myself in heart and soul. It helped me to recognise my existence. It opens my eyes to the importance of loving myself before others. It made me realised my family was always there for me, but I chose not to see it.
It’s an experience that allowed me to find peace inside me, to find comfort in myself. Everything good that I needed was inside me all along, but I was too busy ignoring my existence, too busy living in an enormous world instead of living and nurturing my own little nest.
Anyhow, life is not plain. It’s supposed to have challenges, so we may learn the truth to guide us to be safe, to be human beings in our own rights in our own little world, in our own ways, to be comfortable in our own skins.
Next time you feel you need a friend, try your loved ones first, you little family circle.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 11-202
[sponsor]
I'm a fulltime mum. My writings is my escape at difficult times when my depression gets in the way. I'm passionate about writing. I believe in myself, although I can't get a job with my derpession. I am determine to make it on my own with my writings. I refuse to let others decide what I can and cannot do. I am not willing to be made useless anymore beyound my depression.
I've raised a big family with no friends or family support, to me it's a great achivement if I can do that with depression, then I believe I can do anything, I am passionate about.
My writings are none fictions. I write about others life experiences, I put what is happening is society in writing, the valnurable cry that goes unheard, someones sad story or happy story.
I write about my life too, and when I do, I mention at the top " it's my story" with my hope someone in the same situation will find it comforting to know they are not alone.
Writing helps channel my mind, preventing it from going wild bringing in all sorts of unwanted dangerous thoughts that drowns me deeper in the dark. It's a therapy that doesnt cost a penny and very accesabile to me anytime I need it.
Thank you for reading and thank you for your kindness to support and sponsor my work.
The man I want
Inspirational writing
Don’t give me a prince, a king, an heir to the throne, a sheikh or an Amir. Don’t introduce me to a lawyer, a doctor or a Wall Street liar.
Material things are not my thing. Men with degrees wearing an ego around their necks, thinking he is every girl’s dream, is not my cup of tea.
A man that breathes out money is what most women wish for a prince. But I want a man that build me a house with his hands, plant and harvest me strawberries watered with his sweat. He’s burnt by the sun to work the land. He’s a man that never complains. His love for me shines in the dark.
He only has eyes for me. Never does he roam his eyes around to other girls. There is no need for him to feel the need for any other. He takes his vows seriously deep in his heart. I’m the only one in his heart.
He is honest and dedicated to his job and works hard for his family. Every day, he’s looking forward to come home to see his wife and children. He’s not swayed by other’s desires to go out with friends for a drink and come home at 3 am.
He likes to help changes the baby's diaper and wash the dishes, do the laundry and hang on the line, early morning while I’m asleep, when he realised I’m tired from my own duties during the day. Not because I demand him too, and not because he has too, but his love for me aches his heart, when he doesn’t help when he can and has the time for it.
Before he walks out to start his day, he’ll give me a kiss as I sleep. I’m blessed with a man with no money but have a heart as priceless as his smile when he sees me at the end of his day. I’m not saying I do nothing but take advantage of his love. I tell you the truth, I truly love him, and what he is, makes me love him More.
To many girls he’s not a good-looking guy, but if he was a son of Bill Gates, every girl will be proud to call him her man, walking next to him holding his hand, even if he is blind, because the girl has only an eye on the diamond and cash.
To know and understand the value of a man or a woman is to build their lives together with less, from the ground up and everyday they get stronger and closer. That’s what I call love that’s not blind, but love that is real in the heart and mind.
Most of us women, look for a man who has the wealth to entertain our every whim. Wheather he is in a wheel chair or on life support. And if he is too old to satisfy our emotional desires, we make ourselves available like toys for other men to enjoy.
We want to live the life of riches served by servants. We love fashion, jewellery, fancy shoes that cost a family meal for two years, if not more.
Our definition of a good husband is a man with money that can afford what many can’t afford. A man who works hard to fill the bank account enough for us to swipe the card whenever we see something we like. A man who can build the most beautiful house on the street, and drives a luxury car. The guy with so many friends we can invite to our homes to a party to show off our pocessions. To show off our new dresses and shoes and those expensive jewelleries too.
The beauty of a man is in his ability to be a man as God created him to be. He is a protector, security, loving, problem solver, and a family man. His man-hood shows and shines on his hand work. Fixing things in and around the house. Fixing kids’ bikes and teach them how to ride. A family man with a heart of a real man is what many failed to notice when they look for man with a bag of gold hanging from his nose.
A marriage is not just for you two. Remember your dream of having some kids and a picket fence. Those little precious soul needs a dad that is always at home, watching them as they grow. Take part in their lives and activities at school. A dad with patience and love to feed their soul as they grow.Money comes and goes, situations changes as life has proven to us. We need husbands, our children need fathers.
Marriage is for both to build from scratch up. The sweetness of a marriage is when both take part in making a warm home, a loving home where money issues are not the chief topic of everyday life.
Aim for the gold in his heart, not the gold in his wallet. Too much money in a man’s disposal, without man-hood qualities, is too much trouble that could break your heart. Some men can’t handle the temptation that comes with money. When that happens, you and your children will find yourselves lock outside his heart.
Some of us learned from our past. We move on to find another man; we find a kind and sweet one, a normal guy but very kind. We open our eyes, to realise we were wrong in our choice first time. You’re happy, but your poor children are now paying the price. If the new man treats the kids like his own, that’s something to embrace, but there will always be a hole in their poor, innocent souls.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood
Brilliant Star On My Side.
To my sweet darling sister, who was born mute and deaf. I know you would like to know more about her journey, which I will reveal in a future post.
How beautiful are the skies in the dark from your golden glitter, and how amazing is your presence comforting those like me? My wishes to reach you and touch you. To lean my head on you, to cry and let my tears drop on you. I can imagine from your beauty, you are kind. I can feel from your sparkly presence you are warm and caring.
Watching you floating above me rid my heart of loneliness. Imagining you by my side warms my soul. I’m mute and deaf. I’m not good enough for the womb that bore me into this lonely world. I can’t understand a word, I can’t hear the birds. Who Am I? What I am? Why I’m here?
My little fragile, innocent heart is longing for what other children have, so I may be, acceptable, loved and adored. I envision myself adored and loved if I were complete and beautiful. It’s a dream that never materialized. A dream, a wish I’ve been yearning for the whole of my life.
Thank God you are there for me, although up high in the skies, but I feel your love all the time, and when I look up to the skies and you caught my eyes, loneliness and insecurity escape my mind.
Every time I look at you and your sparkling smiles, my eyes cry, and tears roll down my face. Tonight I’ll go to sleep with you as the last joy I see tonight in my mind. I’ll sleep in peace, forgetting I might wet my bed tonight. I could sleep without seeing mother’s angry face in the morning when she comes to know I’ve wet my bed again.
Mother hates my bed-wetting cycle. Mother can’t help it. She chases me around to lay her heavy hands on me, to calm her anger.
I can tell mother isfurious when I see my sister’s face. Her face drained of blood as tears rolling down her face. Her fears speak to me, her pain, for what she’s been witnessing, must melt her heart every time she sees me running for my father’s loving arms.
I don’t know about my crimes. No one has told me why I am a trouble for mother. Why mother always seems to not like me. I hope she truly loves me in her heart. Perhaps I should live in suffering and wish for paradise to restart living, but a better life.
If tomorrow I have a bad day, it’s okay. I know in my heart, I’ll see you again later in the night,to love me from high above, like no one can, to smile at me once again, mypretty stars.
It would be a long day waiting and wish for nightfall, so I can see you again. To be mute and deaf is not better than being here and alive, neither being here and alive better than being mute and deaf. Perhaps if I was good enough for mother’s love, worthy of her warmth, I wouldn’t notice you and I wouldn’t feel unwanted and incomplete.
Surely, many have adored and admired your beauty as merely as an ornament in the skies. I, for one, noticed your existence out of loneliness, helplessness, and fear. Perhaps it’s normal to forget and ignore the beautiful things around us when we have what we want. And a venerable scared little girl notices you, out of loneliness and mounting fear of the very woman that brought me here.
I pray to God, you will come and see me in heaven. I will finally hug you and kiss you like I should to my mother. And you will hug me tight and kiss me like a mother should to her little girl deaf and mute.
Monitor me as I sleep, sing me a song and read me a story until I sleep.
Oh, and don’t forget to always look out for my dear papa. He’s the only thing I have, the only true love in my heart. Papa is a man with a big heart; he loves and adores me no matter what. I’m never out of line, never make a mistake in Papa’s eyes. He is the only shelter to protect me from mothers’ wrath.
I wish someday I will grow up and care for Papa when he gets old. I wish someday he will take me with him on his boat, to help him fish for our dinner. It would be fun and I won’t miss him when he’s out at sea.
My older sister is very young, but she’s like a mother to me. She washes me, dresses me, she has something in her heart I don’t understand. When we play on the rocks, she always holds my hand. When I feel I need a mother's touch, I go to her and sit on her lap. She plays with me and tickles me, and I laugh in happiness that cools my heart.
I don’t want to talk about mother much, least she find out and beat me. Now I want to ask you sweet brilliant star.How can I stop wetting my bed so mother can love me? What should I do to make mother hug me. I’m lonely without a mother. I was born to a mother, and my heart has the instinct of every child to feel the need for their mother. But me, I’m yearning for a life free of mother. She causes me so much pain,sometimes I feel, I’m the one causing mother pain, I wish I know.
Goodnight, brilliant star.
Come back tomorrow to sing me a song and read me a book, to calm my heart.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 2021
Say Goodbye And I'm Gone
Dedicated to women in controlling relationships.
You misunderstood man-hood. Love has no place in your heart. You don’t know the value of a woman. You understand marriage as ownership of another human. Allow me to show you your mistakes. Perhaps one day you will be a better man for your own sake.
I tried, but you’re no longer here in body and mind. I’m alone next to you every time, alone at home every night. Your hearing impaired when I try to talk to you. I’m invisible when I need you. I’m under your foot and can’t move. My heart desperate for you to see my pain. My mind racing, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I wondered if you were with another, would you be the same as you are with me?
Where’s the charm? The gentle-man with a wide smile, who made me breakfast in bed with a coffee well brewed. The man I thought I will be with, for a long time, walking hand in hand in every-sweetness and bitterness of life. Together till we leave each other, for death is not in our control. When we finally got married, it thrilled me to be your wife; I was proud of you in front of my friends and family.
If only I knew there was another side of you hiding like a wild animal hunting a prey in the dark. I blamed myself so many times for the change in you. I believed everything you say about me has caused you to act the way you do. Every time I tried to fix myself, there’s always something else I need to change. Over the years, Ive changed until I no longer recognised myself, until I surrender to your will and accept I’m the reason for all the mess..
Say goodbye and I’m gone. Take one more look before I vanish.
There’s no time to correct my mistake. I’ve wasted so much time arguing with you. Years of love lost, wasted away in your ocean of ego and narcissism. It’s too late to shed tears, too late to apologise, no sorry is enough to soften my heart.
Tomorrow is another day. Life might turn out great for you if you change your ways.
I don’t want to turn back time, I’ll lose my mind. To change my mind is to humiliate my dignity and my wish for a new life, a new start, in freedom and in peace. I’m sure everything will be alright, and if not, that’s fine. I’ll accept I have to fight another fight.
I’m looking for me, the girl from across the street. She was innocent and gentle; She got swept off her feet by an eagle, only to find his claws tight on her heart, and she couldn’d released herself back to her being.
You turned me wild in your hands. Here I am, soft in touch, harsh at heart. I Bloomed into an opium, as resentment took over my heart, and ripped me apart. Life is hard for any girl looking for a knight to save her heart. But this girl can swim in the dark.
A woman so gentle from the outside and wild on the inside. When the cup got full, there was nothing to catch the wildness of flames.
I’ll sleep in peace, as you count the sheep. Staring at the ceiling of your room, alone and broken, regretting what you did. And I cannot undo that for you, not the least.
My sanity at the front line, fighting a battle of endless confusion and regret. I cannot answer anymore questions, on what went wrong. All I want is you and the past gone. I just want a space to breathe so I can live. I can no longer accept I am the reason you are the way you are. The air filled with your smell I can no longer bear.
For god’s sake, I shall continue to smile and wish for myself a life of happiness and bliss. What might worse than this, living a life of despair every minute of the day. Wishing for you to change and to see a bright future for us both to enjoy, where our love will flourish with no hate, no pain, and no blame.
All my life I pampered you from my heart. Loved you with all my heart, with no strings attached, and no conditions that can break our bond. But you choose to be a man with a cruel heart, you choose to break me apart.
There are no regrets. What was in the past has gone with the wind. I will still smile and wish myself good luck.
Now, I’m like a crystal glass, shattered into pieces that you can’t put back. You ended our love and marriage with no one to mend it.
And I found the strength to walk away without a goodbye and without hesitation.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 2021
When I Get The Blues. Behind The Mind Of A Broken Mother-Journal of a mum with depression.
Knowing and understanding what happened to people with depression at low times is important for a better understanding of people affected by mental illness. It will help people with depression to feel accepted and part of society, to rid themselves of the stigma surrounding people with depression.
I dedicate this piece of work to people with depression at the darkest of moments in their lives. (Personal Experience) You don't know me, I don't know you, but we live in the same world, share the same pain, fight the same battle. If you find me, smile and be grateful you're not alone.
*Image copyright: BE-when I get the blues-2021*
A box of chocolate coated magnum is a delight. Sit in the dark till sunrise. Nothing can put a smile on my face tonight, not even a rose from the valleys of knights.
Forget about the next released of Netflix show. For when I get the blues, everything good turns blue. I’ll do things I’ll regret for many days.
If only I could fly, free my mind, hoping to come back alive. It’s the dark reality of a life so bleak as mine.
I wondered if I should walk out the door to the shadows of death lurking outside. Poor Mrs. White, someone murdered her in her bed last night. I have the blues; I’m not afraid to meet the murderer in the middle of the night. These are times when I fear no one in the night's dark, the night.
Yesterday I was alright, today I was shining bright, tonight I’m fearful of the light. Maybe tomorrow Ill be just fine.
When I get the blues, my mind runs a million miles an hour. By the time it stopped, I’ll wake up from a long ride with the ugly past that was bothering me inside.
I’m afraid of the blues. Its force is too much for my fragile soul to fight back.I dig the graves of the past, adding more pain to the load on my back. Never knowing what I’m doing to myself in the dark.
It makes me angry, then makes me cry, then makes me smile, then it makes me want to die. I’m under its finger, like a child in the naughty corner, punished for doing something I like.
It reminds me of my mother. When she’s angry with the lady next door, she takes it on me, and pushed me onto the hard floor. It Reminds me of the time when my uncle slapped me across the face, because he called me twice and I didn’t reply. And when my mother's father whipped me with his cow leather belt because I want to go out to play.
I indulge in sweets to change the taste of bitterness. Cry rivers of tears, drinking the bitterness of it as they flow down my cheeks. So I wished I never exist.I questioned myself, why I was born, what I did to deserve all this. Where would I be if my life was full of bliss?
I’m tired, exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. I’m down on my knees praying for a relief.
God has mercy on me, grant me the strength to move beyond this mess I’m in.
Dont forget to subscribe if you like my work.
Thank you for your support and encouragement.
Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood
Image Copyright: B.E-When I get the blues- 2021
I can be whole again
I dedicate this piece of writing to women who have lost their marriages to depression.
They said, you don’t care. You’re tired of me crying. That hurt me deeper than you can imagine.
Your unhappiness written on your face. There was no explaining. You wouldn’t understand. No words of compassion can make you realised the struggle I’m in. I could fall to my knees and beg you not to leave. Lie to you, I’ll change, when I know the strength is not in my veins.
I tried to walk again for your sake. But every-time I try, I fall to one side. Now you’re tired of me. You don’t have to anymore. All I needed is an ear to listen, and an arm to hold me to comfort my heart, when I drowned in the dark.
You’re tired of me. And I’m tired of what life has thrown at me. What am I supposed to do. What do you want from me?
We breathe the same air, eat the same food, sleep in the same bed. Except I need the pills to get me through the day.
You pretended everything’s okay. My heart and body can feel your absence and lack of a smile. You can go on, leave me be, let me drown till the sun comes down.
I want to be free from your unhappiness with me. Love is freedom, it doesn’t harm. It doesn’t imprison a soul against its will.
I thought you were different; I thought you would care enough to stand by me. To catch me when I fall. Perhaps your love was just a fairytale. When you realised, I’m no longer fit for the job of picking up your dirty socks.
Missing you when you leave will be hard. I’ll shed some tears and feel the pain of life without you, but I won’t take you back. I shall cry all night and sleep all day to numb the pain. But I won’t take you back.
You’ll take a piece of me with you. But I won’t take you back. I shall choose the pain over you. Because I deserve better than you think.
I’ll say goodbye to another bird with a broken leg. As I move on, complete and satisfied.
The world is enormous enough to take me in with my broken heart, but that’s alright.
Thank God I’m not blind. I’ll heal and survive.
I shall fill an enormous hole in my heart with wisdom.There will come a day when my heart will be whole again. This heart of mine can thrive anywhere without you or another .
It’s just a matter of time before I could walk again. Dance my way to the ocean of strength, to Quinch, my thirst for guidance.
To reclaim, to reform, to rejuvenate my soul.
Don’t mind me, don’t feel sorry for me. You don’t need to apologise. I know I will survive.
I say my goodbyes with pain mask in a smile that doesn't shine. A flow of tears to drown the sorrow too deep to reach.
I refuse to lie to myself. It doesn’t hurt. I embrace the pain as a test of my strength, to let go with my eyes set on a journey to find a new woman, strong and independent, scared but never give up fighting, to revive her dignity and existence in a cruel world.
This is the final chapter of our life story. All doors shut. The ink has ran dried. Taking you back will be a sign of a woman weak, wrecked and dependent on another soul to survive.
Here I rest my heart, though still throbbing with the ache of my love for you. Never mind me and my pain. You can move on with your journey. Be careful as you jump over rocks in search of happiness you so feel deprived of, least you slipped and I won’t be there to catch you as you fall.
I’ll be okay, I’ve come a long way, I’ve travelled a long tough road. I’ve tripped and fall, drowned and revived.
Every hardship was a lesson on how to survive.
Every pain was an inspiration to heal again.
**Copyright:** ***Written By Bree*** @JoyOfWomanhood
@JoyOfWomanhood