I can be whole again

I dedicate this piece of writing to women who have lost their marriages to depression.

They said, you don’t care. You’re tired of me crying. That hurt me deeper than you can imagine.

Your unhappiness written on your face. There was no explaining. You wouldn’t understand. No words of compassion can make you realised the struggle I’m in. I could fall to my knees and beg you not to leave. Lie to you, I’ll change, when I know the strength is not in my veins.

I tried to walk again for your sake. But every-time I try, I fall to one side. Now you’re tired of me. You don’t have to anymore. All I needed is an ear to listen, and an arm to hold me to comfort my heart, when I drowned in the dark.

You’re tired of me. And I’m tired of what life has thrown at me. What am I supposed to do. What do you want from me?

We breathe the same air, eat the same food, sleep in the same bed. Except I need the pills to get me through the day.

You pretended everything’s okay. My heart and body can feel your absence and lack of a smile. You can go on, leave me be, let me drown till the sun comes down.

I want to be free from your unhappiness with me. Love is freedom, it doesn’t harm. It doesn’t imprison a soul against its will.

I thought you were different; I thought you would care enough to stand by me. To catch me when I fall. Perhaps your love was just a fairytale. When you realised, I’m no longer fit for the job of picking up your dirty socks.

Missing you when you leave will be hard. I’ll shed some tears and feel the pain of life without you, but I won’t take you back. I shall cry all night and sleep all day to numb the pain. But I won’t take you back.

You’ll take a piece of me with you. But I won’t take you back. I shall choose the pain over you. Because I deserve better than you think.

I’ll say goodbye to another bird with a broken leg. As I move on, complete and satisfied.

The world is enormous enough to take me in with my broken heart, but that’s alright.

Thank God I’m not blind. I’ll heal and survive.

I shall fill an enormous hole in my heart with wisdom.There will come a day when my heart will be whole again. This heart of mine can thrive anywhere without you or another .

It’s just a matter of time before I could walk again. Dance my way to the ocean of strength, to Quinch, my thirst for guidance.

To reclaim, to reform, to rejuvenate my soul.

Don’t mind me, don’t feel sorry for me. You don’t need to apologise. I know I will survive.

I say my goodbyes with pain mask in a smile that doesn't shine. A flow of tears to drown the sorrow too deep to reach.

I refuse to lie to myself. It doesn’t hurt. I embrace the pain as a test of my strength, to let go with my eyes set on a journey to find a new woman, strong and independent, scared but never give up fighting, to revive her dignity and existence in a cruel world.

This is the final chapter of our life story. All doors shut. The ink has ran dried. Taking you back will be a sign of a woman weak, wrecked and dependent on another soul to survive.

Here I rest my heart, though still throbbing with the ache of my love for you. Never mind me and my pain. You can move on with your journey. Be careful as you jump over rocks in search of happiness you so feel deprived of, least you slipped and I won’t be there to catch you as you fall.

I’ll be okay, I’ve come a long way, I’ve travelled a long tough road. I’ve tripped and fall, drowned and revived.

Every hardship was a lesson on how to survive.

Every pain was an inspiration to heal again.

Copyright: Written By Bree @JoyOfWomanhood