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Fire In My Brain-Behind The Mind Of A Broken Mother.

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Written by   12
1 month ago

At the peak of my depression, my diary was all I have to talk to. My life derailing in-front of my eyes. If you suffer from depression, and you're reading this? Congratulation- You made it to another day and I hope everyday you get stronger until you become victoria.

The world is nowhere near to me. I’m floating in my world between Heaven and Earth thought I was free of this despair, as I fight on to stay alive every single day. Things seem to go fine until I get one blow that makes everything worthless and life too much of a painful to live with.one more last breath is not negotiable, it’s not possible.

Too tired of a life with no laughter, tired of waking up to the madness and the chaos of a kitchen full of dishes from one end to the other. A house that gets cleaned every day but never stays cleaned, laundry that never ends. 

Meals to prepare, the burden of motherhood with depression of a mother suffering depression, trying hard to make it possible to fulfil all my duties takes a toll on my mind, my sanity at constant attack. Loneliness in my head beats my heart slow like a derailed train about to roll. Hopeless and helplessness sinks deeper and deeper into the bottom of the earth, taking me with it.

What should I do? Where should I go? Who should I talk to? How do I live this way? Who should I blame. Why am I here? God, please hear me and tell me, give me a sign, show me the way, take me out of this pain.

This cave is too deep, too dark to roll in it alone. I’m drowning in the hurt that is burning me inside out. I’m giving up. I’m letting my soul go. I’m losing the fight.

I’ve fought hard enough. Sometimes I win, most times I lose. Is this fight worth it? I want to believe life is worth living. I want to believe life is more than the pain cutting me inside.

I’m so tired of feeling tired, so tired of crying, so tired of breathing, so tired of not knowing what tomorrow will be like. So tired of going in it alone, so tired of wanting change. I can no longer fight this fight alone? I have no energy to fight on, no weapons strong enough to win, no armor to protect myself with from the bullets of deep pain that aims at me day after day and I can no longer pretend I can win this war.

I raised my hands to heaven begging for Mercy to lie down in my heart, for the end must be here, no more crying, no more tears, but hope for peace for everyone who believes in peace.

I dream of heaven to open its golden gates to my soul. I wish for those who suffer in silence to find the strength to fight on for what they believe. I pray for those who find life a burden they can’t carry it on any longer.

I’m down with my luck. I’m sailing to the end of a world I don’t know, like a soldier who abandoned his weapons to escape the bullets, only to get caught and charged with mutiny. My destiny in the hands of God.

I close my eyes and pray I will wake up in a better place with pigeons on my head, under an olive tree.

Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 11-26-2021

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Written by   12
1 month ago
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Comments

I'm sorry to ask, but I hope you dont mind... Are all these fiction? The depression is too real, either your gifted with empathy or this is your story.

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1 month ago

I don't mind at all- thank you for asking though.

This is my story. This was in my diary- for 2017 it was about that time my depression hit the roof, so I turned to my journal for comfort.

I don't write fiction. I mainly write about real life issues, problems or stories.

I don't look for a subject to write about, like most people who have to think of something to write about, if I read someone story I write about it, but only if my brain react to it. I often play the victim role in my writings.

Playing the victim role gives me the sense of being the victim which helps me to have a little feel and understanding of what the victim have been going through.

If I read a story or watch a documentary or a repost about something and my brain does not give out a firing sensation, I will never have the urge to write about it and therefor never write about it. If my brain get stimulated and emit a sensational firing, I have to write down at least one line or I will not be able to focus. That one line will put my brain to rest and stimulate my need to finish the story with the one line. Then I will write the rest once I get the urge to finish it off.

It usually takes me a couple of minutes to write the length I am posting here :)

But, yes- this is my story, not a fiction.

Thank you for your ongoing support, I appreciate your kind and loving caring support hugely :)

$ 0.01
1 month ago

Yes, I noticed the flow of your writing. This kind is not like others who looks for some topic to write, that's why I encouraged you to write more... To keep your head on something to focus, the way you can let go of those things that bothers you. Letting go is a key, and only remains in the past but those memories linger and only heals in a matter of time. But still depends on our perspective. Anyway, you do enjoy anonymity on this page, its a consolacion. Please go on, its a good read.

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1 month ago