Today Sucks
Today started sucking at 12:30 a.m. (00:30). That's when the dogs barking and a sheriff's deputy woke us and forced is out of bed.
My son was suicidal. Again.
He's been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts since he was around 12.
He overdosed at 12 on over the counter sleeping pills. That's when he came to live with us.
Up until that point he had been living with his bio-mom. She had very little time for my kid and he virtually raised himself. When we would get him in the summer for 2 months, I would spend the first few months re-parenting (or maybe just parenting) him. Only to deliver him back to the questionable care of his alcoholic and drug addicted mother.
I hated taking him back there.
We always drove to pick him up and drove to drop him back off. Even though S. (bio-mom's first initial) didn't work, she couldn't be bothered to put in any effort to get him to us or get him from us.
I've been his parent since he was 8 years old.
I've not been a perfect parent by any means. But I've tried hard to be a good enough parent.
He has had so much early childhood trauma. And he came to live with us full time after his first suicide attempt. He came to us incredibly damaged.
I'm not sure anyone has done more than scratch the surface of that damage.
So, this morning, his friend and the deputy came knocking on our door because N. (my son) had sent a Snapchat saying something along the lines of, "It's been a good ride. Goodbye everybody." And then stopped all communication. No responses to texts. Phone calls went straight to voicemail.
By the time we were able to get ahold of his grandmother to get her daughter's phone number, he was already being loaded into the ambulance.
But not because she was so observant. She didn't know anything until the ambulance pulled up. Either one of his friends or one of his cousins called the ambulance.
He has overdosed on his antidepressant medications and sliced his arm up again.
S. never noticed.
I hate that for my sun. I hate that he is so overlooked there that nobody notices his arms.
He has a bad breakup recently. He lost his job. And, according to my daughter, his big sister, he had been asked to move out.
He had told her that he had to be out by such and such date.
My son is 18 and that makes him an adult in the eyes of the law. That means he can make his own healthcare decisions.
I was able to call the hospital and speak with someone there who told me he was under 24 hour observation and had someone sitting with him one on one at all times. And that was all they would tell me.
Because he is an adult, he is able to request no information be given out. He requested that.
I hope he gets the message I left that we are here when he's ready and we understand if he isn't ready yet. We love him so much.
Now, all I can do is wait. And hope. And wish real hard.
I'm sorry I'm advance for any typos and other errors. I don't think I can stand reading through everything again.
I can barely think, let alone edit at this point. I've been up for 16 hours already after 3 hours of sleep.
I also apologize in advance if I've rambled.
Lead image license free from Unsplash.
Rambling is always good, never apologize for it 🌺 thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to drop by and send you loads of love and positive vibes 🌻