Nausea and a Dying Goat

I'm nervous to have my laptop on my lap. I might have to get up very quickly and run to the bathroom. But typing is distracting my brain from my stomach, so I'll soldier on.

I'm feeling nauseous and it terrifies me.

I'm worried it might be another kidney stone. I'm worried it might be a precursor to the 1.5 year-long mystery illness.

More likely I picked something up when I went to town to run some errands. Or even more likely I am physically manifesting stress in my body. I tend to do that.

I tell myself it is nothing. I tell myself it is not a kidney stone or anything else weird. My anxiety just doesn't want to believe me.

I haven't felt this nauseous since the kidney stone and before that since I drank way too much that day in August. I got very close up and personal with my toilet bowl. We bonded. I never did throw up, but we hung out all night.

That's the thing with me and nausea. I rarely actually throw up. I hate it. It isn't an easy process for me. I pull muscles. I usually pee. During the 1.5 years when I could keep very little down, and when I consequently lost an enormous amount of weight, I was throwing up 3 sometimes 4 times a day. I was living on saltines and protein drinks. But I did manage to come up with a system.

This is probably TMI, so if you have a weak stomach, skip over this part.

My system, so I didn't have to change clothes and bathe every time I barfed, was to sit on the toilet and barf into a container, usually, an old coffee can or a ziplock baggie. I would then throw the entire container away in the trash. Because gross.

Ever since that time, I have been paranoid when I become nauseous unless there is a definitive cause. Like drinking too many rotgut tequila margaritas.

If it isn't another kidney stone, and it isn't a stomach virus, it is probably because of the stress I'm feeling about my goat. I don't know if having an accompanying headache makes it more or less likely to be stress. But I have one of those, too. I don't have a fever, so it makes a virus unlikely.

Joy, my old granny goat seems to be dying.

She doesn't eat much anymore, has lost some teeth, and doesn't do very much but stare at the wall or fence all day. When she lays down, she can't get back up again without help. Once helped into a standing position, she staggers a bit like a drunkard. She is very likely suffering from nutritional deficiencies and anemia.

I just don't know if I should be treating her symptoms with injections of thiamin or not. I know I can't cure old age. I also know I don't want her to suffer. And getting jabbed with a needle every day will definitely cause her to suffer. Then again, she might recover from the vitamin deficiency and live another few years.

This indecision is killing me. I try to make her as comfortable as possible. I've tried giving her oral vitamins, but she isn't interested enough to take them.

I also have to make some hard decisions regarding resources. All of the things I could use to treat her, injectable vitamins, oral vitamins, alfalfa hay, syringes, and needles all cost money and might not, in the end, be effective. I've bought one bale of alfalfa hay for $18.00 because if she can't or won't eat it, the other goats will.

I just don't want her to be in any pain. I also don't want to make the hard decision to euthanize her if she is in pain.

I suspect all of this heartache is what's giving me a stomach ache.

I dread going out to the milk barn every morning. It is where I have her isolated, she has access to hay and water and fresh air if she wants it. Two days this week, I have been pleasantly surprised to find her outside in the fresh air. But I am always afraid I will find her dead.

As I walk out to the milk barn, I stop to feed the chickens and turkey. It is at this point I start hoping. I just am never sure what to hope for. Do I hope she is still alive so I don't have to feel so sad? Or should I hope she went peacefully in her sleep so it is over and she no longer has to suffer? If she is suffering, which, I can't help but think she is.

The whole thing really does just make me miserable. But, I still go out several times a day, just to check on her, to clean her if she has laid down, or fallen down, and gon pee or poop. I stand her up and clean her off when that happens. I also rake out the barn every day, so the flies don't bother her too much. I try to feed her treats. She just isn't that interested in eating much of anything.

My grandmother was the same.

One day she just stopped eating. I mean she stopped swallowing. We could put food in her mouth, but it would just run down her chin. Grandpa tried using a big syringe and would squirt her blended food into her mouth. But it would just run out and into her ear. She was completely bedbound at that point. It was just a few days later I came in to check on them that I found her dead.

I know it is coming, the death of Joy, my old granny goat. I just don't want it to be too soon. Or too late. Or too painful. For either one of us.

Lead image: Author 06 October 2021