I'm taking my time this time, no more rash decisions!
Mama died after 2 years of coma. It was sad. Guess, I am a bit caught up with it still. My immediate boss didn’t do anything, not even a condolence while our boss also did nothing even alms… I never got anything from this group but… anyway, I’m still glad of the good things we all have despite all this. But this is a resentment I couldn’t just lay off… perhaps it was the most obvious way of telling me they don’t like me at all. Although I am aware but at least courtesy, if there ever was! But, God bless them. (You really can’t take it off me as others were treated kindly when they have personal predicament going on.
The resentment is growing though I am not feeding it with anything. While it’s growing, my attitude towards work has deteriorated since then. It usually doesn’t but really now, I don’t want to make a hasty decision because I am wary. I’d like to take my time, though mama’s gone for a year now and unlike before I hastily went on my way and resigned. Now I am definitely able to define and find out the source of this resentment, then it stem out of how the treatment has been. I’ts sad, though ignored and I totally don’t mind, but the resentment really is growing.
Yet I don’t want to let it grow because it’s really hard to keep it up. I not good with emotions and diverting will be of no use because it’s only prolonging the agony further.
Finding out the source of the negative feeling is definitely not easy because it is not every time we are aware that those feelings were triggered until we come to a halt, pause for a while and examine. Many find it difficult to because as I already mention not every time we are aware those were triggered but sometimes we are already aware, but its just difficult to believe it was true. Many times we have resolved that it was not, but the truth is, its hard to accept it was. Now it all boils done again to our choices, because not everyone has the courage to face the truth and able to either let it go, start from scratch or move on. These are simple things to do but actually is something we always say “easier said than done”. Like me in my situation, if I quit, it may come cowardly of me and letting go is something hard because where else can I find a good job, earning good and eventually become a comfort zone. I have to let go of the “publishing a book plan”. Going out of my comfort zone is something I am very much unwilling but the unforeseen truth behind all the uncertainties presents a very good opportunity for taking a next stage in my life. Why? Taking this invitation to write here has come a long way and greatly improved from then day 1. 7 months, I have not perfected the skill. I am more confident to take my case 1 step further, no longer postponing the climb. Now, I am apt of taking all the necessary upgrade like exams, language licenses and many more… actually too eager when my meager pocket is overwhelm right now. To add up, I'm no longer lazy in thinking things over because I am writing. Lazy, that I have taken a lot of things for granted, instead, I am taking my time to really think things through. But, it present such good opportunity that relieves the frustration of having this resentment in my heart. In fact, despite the resentment... I am actually feeling good but the burden of resentment is still emanating.
I have games, books/novels/comics that entertains me together with my boys who plays with me. But at least at my professional level, my expertise in my chosen field, I have taken a notch forward while having this feeling. I do know this will be over soon, I am just passing through this stage again. Letting it out at least ease the burden and I am thankful for the site for giving me this opportunity.
Now, I want to know… We all have different ways of coping … You? How do cope up with this kind of feeling? If you would like to share, do comment below, I’d love to hear from you. Thank u for the read, ‘till next time.
May 20, 2022