Me and My Insecurities Forever

Hello everyone. I don't even know how this article goes, I just decided to write my thoughts about how my life has been for the years and how I am right now. I have shared here multiple times about it but I don't know, it feels like I'm in a tunnel that I can't find my way to the light. I'm stuck, and I can't do anything about it.

I feel so disappointed with myself lately. I'm becoming the person that I never wish to be. I'm stuck with being miserable in life and I don't know how to get out from the dark. I don't have the strength to fight for my silent battles and I feel like all my hopes are gone now.

I know that I should've been someone better by now, but here I am, still trying to fix my ruined life and still trying to survive a day that's full of misery. This is not what I signed up for, this is not what I pictured myself back when I was younger. Way too different.

But I guess, this is the beauty of life. You go through challenges that will test your character and see how far you can go. I know that I'll get over this, it's just that there are times when I feel so tired and that's when I feel helpless and pathetic.

This is when you see people around you are having a great time with their lives, I wonder how it feels like though I know all of us go through difficult circumstances and we're just seeing the highlights of theirs but I just can't help but compare my life to them.

I'm tired of feeling insecure. I wanna do something that I can be proud of, that I can hold my head up high, that I can share interesting stories from me, that I can be an inspiration too.

The reason why it pushed me to write this is because, my close friends in college had a mini reunion in their house. Those were my closest back in college. I wanted to be with them yesterday and catch up how life has been with us but I just can't leave the house easily.

While writing this, I realized how far I am to them. There's nothing I have considered as an achievement aside from surviving that tragedy in 2019, and the love I have with my family. But career wise, I got zero on my bank.

And if ever I'll have the chance to share my sentiments to them, I don't wanna be the person to ruin the mood of being happy together catching things up. I know it's gonna be a depressing story if I'll share how I went through the years. It's hard keeping these sentiments to myself, it's breaking my heart into pieces.

With this gift of 2nd life, as I consider it, I know I can do so much better than this but I'm still hopeful I can get through this. Maybe this is just an outburst of how tired I am for the past week. Hormonal and emotional challenges too. Women, you know this. It's very hard.

Oh well, maybe I'll just keep hiding from my peers until I have achieved something in life. How ironic, isn't it? That's how society's standards influence the mindset of people. I know I should be doing this for myself but why I am more motivated to do this to prove to everyone that I can do it too?

I should be doing this for myself and not for anyone else. Then again, one factor that would make me love myself is to achieve something momentous. Not the grandest one though, I don't wanna be put into a spotlight but just enough to provide financial stability for myself and for my family. That's all what I wanna do so badly.

And if I make these things happen, it will, hopefully, I wanna travel the world with my family, take them to a vacation and just have a good time with ourselves. I believe we deserve that too.

I should make this happen.

Also, I'm so grateful that I have Sunny, my dog, with me who keeps me company. She has witnessed all my breakdowns, frustrations, and all of my mood swings everyday. I wonder how she's been taking it all throughout. I wanna know what she feels about it. One thing I'm so certain with is that she'll keep me company for the rest of her life. It pains my heart for that day to come. I'll be heartbroken for sure but I'll enjoy the time with her even if it's only temporary.

Turned out so random again. Sharing these thoughts early in the morning. Setting things lighter before I get up from bed. Good morning!

Thanks for reading.

Keep safe everyone!