I need a distraction
Work is a good type of distraction. It's a good thing I am currently working. As in I am on duty right now.
To be honest, I don't really know how I feel. I feel so many emotions- different kinds of emotions. I am mad, I am sad, I am hurt, I am relieved and I am nervous. I can't say I am having a breakdown. But I am so close to it, I guess.
What makes me mad is that my pain is not acknowledged. It's like, it isn't something important, and feels like my reaction to the pain the person caused me is more important than what that person made me feel. People push you to your limit and when you react, the only thing they remember is what you said and how you reacted. And what's making it worse is they try to turn the tables on you. Trying to make you feel like you're worse than them. Like what you said was so cruel. I mean I only reacted to the pain you caused. I know I said hurtful things but my pain is as valid as yours, is it not? People hurt you and make you feel like the villain when you stand up for your right.
Now, what makes me sad is that I never wanted to hurt the person with the things I said. Those may be true but I never wanted to slap those words in his face. What he did was unacceptable from so many angles. IT IS UNACCEPTABLE and I had to stand up for my right. I'm also sad because I realized now how small he thinks of me. How small he thinks my place should be. I am sad because I know now he doesn't appreciate me. That's what I feel right now.
I am hurt. I am hurt for the same reason I am sad. I was hurt by what he did to me and how he reacted to a misunderstanding that led to us hurting each other's feelings. I am hurt because he doesn't even acknowledge my opinion and seems like what's only important to him is how he feels.
I am nervous about how this fight might end up. He took my words really badly. Not even considering why I said those words. Not even considering he also hurt me. Not even considering what he did was way worse than what I said. I am nervous I might just end up apologizing instead and let my pain just be on the side left unacknowledged.
I might sound like I have pride issues but no. Or maybe you can say that. I just want the pain to be acknowledged. A kind of pain that's not only hurting me emotionally but in all other aspects as well. Not apologizing for standing up for yourself is not a bad thing.
I tried talking to him about it but all he points out is what I said. Like I am solely to blame. It makes me feel like I'm just a crazy girl yelling about things for no reason. Like, all I have to do is just accept the pain and not do anything.. cause if I do, then I'm the bad person. That's how he talked. That's his point. I SAID hurtful things. That's the only thing he remembered. He didn't remember him pushing me around.
And now, I am left with emotions left and right. I am confused. Am I really the blame? Am I really the bad person? Is it really okay to stand up for yourself? Is this gaslighting? Am I being gaslighted right now?
I don't know. And I have no one else to talk to. All I can do is write about it. A post that I can't even be really open with and pray. I want to talk to someone. I want to get it off my chest. But who? Who can I talk to physically other than myself?
I am so close to talking to my supervisor but I don't think it's professional. And I'm afraid I'd make a mockery of me. I am so close to just keeping it all til my tears run dry. I prayed and prayed and still praying.