Me Vs. Me

In the dark pathway, narrow and with a strange smell, I'm walking alone. When I found a door, there is something in me want to open this door. I open the door and to my surprise I saw myself hanging and bloody, I'm scrambling and scared. I immediately run to the door, but it suddenly closed.

I couldn't get out! It was dark and scary. Oh! I'm scared, please someone help me. I'm start having a panic attack!

Everything went dark and I immediately wake up. Nightmares, nightmares again.

But it's not all over there

When someone spoke, that makes me more feel uncomfortable and panic.

“AHH! STOP!! PLEASE STOP!” I shout, I please someone help me to get out this shit.

“Beryl, listen! Hear me! Your life is a mistake you should not have lived and formed in this world, you will only suffer if you continue! Everyone doesn't like you, you're embarrassed you won't win at all. They don't even need you! You are weak, unable to fight. Do you think your life will be better if you continue?

No, it won't! Everything will just be miserable to you. You just make your life hard. There's nothing you can do in the world because you're a weak woman who doesn't know how to reason with others, so why do you continue if you're just going to fall, and everything, just end your life Beryl!! End this shit right now! ” said the person, which was the same as my voice.

“No, I won't listen to you, just let me go !!” I shouted as I covered my ears with both hands.

"Stop! Stop me!!” I shouted.

Until little by little I got used to the words I was going to hear, I was numb, I couldn't feel anything.

My tears slowly falling to my pillow, another sad, and dark night for me.

Why is it necessary until the time I rest to be reminded of the painful thing? Yes, I accept it! But is that enough of a reason for me to disappear from the world? So that I can rest from everything? Is this really the only solution? Am I really up to this point? Should I just allow it? Why did I even myself betrayed me?

I do not want! I don't want to be like this! Please oh Lord help me, you're the only one who can help me, give me strength and I will do everything to be ok. Just be with me. I don't want what they want to happen but what I want, I won't let the world will be the rule in my life but me.

I slept with what I was holding on to, I slept with the hope that my mind would change, that I would be able to cope with sadness, pain and resentment in this world.

I fell asleep with tears in my eyes, the voices seemed like music I was listening to until I fell asleep again

The next day I went to the hospital where I would see a psychiatrist.

“Ms. Beryl, have you been experiencing this for a long time?” doctor's promise.

“It's been a long time, but I just now went to the doctor.” my answer.

“Based on the result, you are having hallucinations as well as your trauma, the words you have heard in past events come back!” said the doctor.

“I often hear a voice like me, he says what people say to me, from my parents, my siblings, my friends and all.” I said.

“Trauma dominates your mind, hurtful words that you keep hiding in your heart and mind, and the results is hallucinations. Ms. Beryl, you just need to forget the past and build beautiful memories and activities. Make positive things that are negative for you, have the courage to speak up for your rights. Learn to fight. ” doctor's promise.

After a month of therapy, here I am today.

Learning how to fight, I learned how I should make things positiver than take it negative. Like what others says we can't please everyone so do what makes you happy, do the things that you think is right and make you feel better.

Don't be afraid to tell what you feel!

Leave the past and make a present!

Be strong in every battle, you can win it.

Me against myself is hard, having mental disorder is difficult, but you can cope up to that.

Be Positive!

FIGHTING!