January 12, 2023

Have you been always positive in life? I have to admit that I was never always positive. I can count through my fingers on how many times I have been positive, counted is when I was become positive to Covid19. I was positive thinking that I can able to surpass it, but I have to admit, I was all negative at first. I don't embodies positive attitude ever since which I think helped me get anxiety, but being negative is not really bad at all.

I learned about Toxic Positivity term just recently but I already know how to feel toxic when everyone is feeling positive despite my dark and heavy situation. It happened when my father passed away. Relatives were around me making me feel I am not alone, but I felt more alone knowing that I am expecting someone that could understand how I feel yet everyone is saying I should be happy that my father is now at peace. I don't know exactly how I felt when they start saying it, but it left a big hole in my heart. My father's passing made me a different person, I was never the same ever since. The people around me that time only hurt me more than understanding how I really felt. I expect someone will tell me to just keep on crying and be sad because that are the normal emotions I should feel. I think they are expecting me to jump in joy, maybe I am overacting, but that is what I really felt that time.

Anyway, to further understand it, I will share some signs of what Toxic Positivity is for sure you already experienced this being treated with other people around you.

When you Ignore your Problems

I have one person who always says "Bahala na si batman"(let Batman do the work!) when it comes to problem. I am not sure if she is escaping the feeling that is attached to the problem or something else. When I start sharing her about my problems she will always say "Kung ako yan, Bahala na si Batman". This person doesn't want to listen to whining because that is negative to her. She said that she lets the problem passed her because she can't handle it on her own. She advise me to do the same and be positive.

First, Batman is a fictional character created for entertainment. Batman have nothing to do with your problem and will not solve anything from it. Second, escaping the problem might lead to a bigger problems in the future. Third, I can accept more if she tells me that she doesn't want to hear about my problems than advising me on something that will not truly help me. I am only sharing my problems just in case she have ideas to help me but clearly she doesn't have anything because she stop me from saying "Kung ako yan, Bahala na si Batman". Nothing wrong with being positive when you have problems, but totally ignoring it thinking that some fictional character will able to solve it is a big NO. Solve your problems that is the right thing to do.

Being Guilty for being sad

I have another person who always call my attention when I become sad about some things. She always says not to be sad and don't entertain anything sad. I lost my kitten and I was sharing her that I feel guilty for not taking care of my kitten and out of nowhere she started talking to me like "don't be sad, you are always sad". I am not always sad and I am not always happy either. I validate my feelings because that is what I really feel at the moment. It is being true to myself. I feel sad when I read sad news, bad news and even the story of others that are sad. If there are things that could make me cry, I will cry. I find her very toxic whenever she says that I am always sad. I want to spunk her in the chin.

She always wants me to feel guilty when I am sad because she never feel it, as she claims. Is there a person who never get sad? Well, if that is true lucky her, but I dare not to believe.

Advising me to be Positive when the situation is really Heavy

Same as above. When the situation is sad or heavy, some people will advise me to be positive. To be positive on what areas? Can I just feel the sadness for now and be positive after. Some people even tell me to stop crying because crying is negative. Crying is never negative. It is a normal situation. There are people who doesn't allow you to feel what you really feel just because they are positive and feeling negative is always bad. I hope they watch Inside Out movie to understand what I am talking about.

Hiding what you really feel

I have to admit that I really do this. I hide what I really feel especially in the environment when I have to be professional like at work. When the surroundings or event is happy, I hide my feelings too. I pretend I don't feel bad. But when I am alone, I cry. I show my anger and I show my pain. Some toxic positive people around me will always advise to hide what I feel because it will not help me. I wonder how? Crying really helps me a lot to lessen the heaviness in my heart and for them crying is just a waste of time. I don't understand them at all but I don't believe in what they say.

Being insensitive to other's pain because you are a positive person

Whenever you are being insensitive to other's pain and situation and you insist to be positive despite it, I will always find you as one of the toxic people around. It feels like you are clowning yourself and not really looking at the truth of life. Being positive is always helpful in certain circumstance but with the right timing. One should learn to be sensitive of other's feeling despite it is negative. Help them to overcome it by not getting straight positive about it. Everything takes time and always have the right time.

Again, on a sad and heavy situation, despite being a person who is always positive, it will not help other's to be positive right away. Allow them to feel what they really feel. Being there for them until they gather their strength is the best thing to do. Understanding the situation and what they are feeling will help them overcome their situation. When they are ready again, helping them to feel positive again will give them help.

All images are mine

All Original Content by @Grecy095