The feels of not having a Father every Fathers Day

Insecurities, failures, mistakes but nothing beats losing someone you needed the most.

I maybe a woman now but if you look deeper I am still a lil girl who wonders:

• How does it feel to have a complete family?

• How does it feel to graduate seeing your Mom and Dads eyes flickering with happiness?

• How does it feel to walk down the aisle with both parents on each side?

• How does it feel to have a PAPA in Fathers Day?

These keeps on bugging me, these are the questions that cannot be answered anymore even when how I cry to get the answers. There will always be that emptiness within me that could never be filled in because my Papa is gone, he is gone forever.

I guess this picture was taken when I was just 5 years old. He was a strict father by the way. I remembered when I was studying in Grade School, he knows that dismissal was 5:00PM and our house was just 15-20 minutes travel away so expected before 6:00PM I should be at home. If the clock ticks at 6:00PM and I am still not around he would go to School using his bike and look for me.

There was a time when he got so angry because I went home crying, my Grade 3 Teacher just throw me an eraser and hit my head. But actually, it was not that painful only that I was so ashamed.

The Teacher was discussing about Mathematics and when she asked me to answer and show my solution I was not able to get the right answer then she got angry. I hate Math and it is so hard for me to understand formulas and equations.

When my Papa knew about that she told my Mom to talk to the Teacher and make sure to inform her not to do it again or else he will be the one to face her.

I was the only daughter by this time. I was also the Eldest. Well, I have two elder brother which was my fathers children from his live in partner before but we were not close. I have not met them til my Fathers wake.

Which makes me as the only daughter. My Mom would kept on telling me to take good care of myself because if someone would hurt me or do bad against me my Papa might kill that person. That is how precious I was to him.

I miss him. I miss that secure feeling of having someone to take good care of the whole Family. Since we lost him 15 years ago I had to act strong, I had to stand still and show them that despite not having a Foundation our Family is strong enough to pass every struggles.

The last 15 years did not pass by easy. I grew up in poverty especially that before my Papa died I had 3 more siblings. I have two younger brother and 1 youngest sister.

But here we are now, despite not having a Father in the Family when we needed him because some of our relatives were degrading us we were still able to withstand.

From left going right, is my sister, she was only 1 year old when we lost our Papa. Next to my sister is none other than but me! Then next to me is my brother who was just 6 years old when we lost our Papa and our other brother on the right side who was just 2 years old.

Despite not having a Papa I am so much glad that my Mom was a warrior. She did not let us serve any relatives who are offering to get any of us or hire us to be their maid just so we can earn for ourselves and even when someone asked her by that time if she is willing to give any of my younger siblings for adoption still she declined. She had gone through so much and I appreciate her. She was our Mom and our Dad for the last 15 long years up to now.

...end thoughts...

We have different struggles in Life. One may look happy or lively but look deeper and you will see.

To my Papa, wherever you are I hope you got the rest you deserved. No more chest pain, no more medicine to take, no more guilt when we have to buy your medicine instead of my siblings milk.

I hope someday Papa I could get to see and tell you I love you.

Thank you for reading my drama. LOL! Happy Fathers day to all fathers! May you have a wonderful and blessed day with your family.