Marry Me, Marry Me Not

Courting has always been part of Filipino culture. Once the woman says her sweetest YES to the man then their journey to forever begins. Part of the culture is to preserve the woman's virginity to their first night once the couple get married. That means, despite them being a couple for years the man should not have sex with the woman until their first night.

But today's generation is way different in my own perspective. Those that are not married seems to be happier than those that are married. Again, based on what I have observed around me.

Honestly, I have this fear of getting married though. It feels like once you marry the person you can never escape each other until death. Yeah, sounds sweet to others but not for me. For years, I have this fear since based in the history, women in my family was never lucky to their chosen men. My grandmother for example got betrayed not just once but couple of times by my grandfather. My father confessed to my mother before that he cheated on her though I still love my Papa but those stories and history made a great impact in me. I do not want history to repeat itself to me. So in case that may happen to me and my partner, I do not want to suffer having to use his last name and be tagged married because surely by that time I would rather be widowed. LOL!

Kidding aside, but really, it would be a torture!

Though I gave him the privilege of having our daughters use his last name and it kinda feel awkward whenever someone would tag you as family but you have different last name or some people would jokingly say that I shouldn't call my husband, my husband because I am not his wife just because we are not married. It hurts but yeah, I choose to neglect those dick head.

I have seen multiple women suffered emotionally and mentally because their men cheated on them and yes, it is not like I won't suffer but it gives me that feeling of security of not being caged. Yes I feel like marriage is a cage that would not allow you to flop your wings and live. If you ask me, so you do not have trust to your man?

Well I do, that is why I am this afraid. I love and trust him so much that just by thinking about him cheating on me kills but I have promised to myself that once he commit such I will never ever accept him in my life nor my daughters life. I am not martyr. I cannot stand being with someone who had or have sex with some random woman. It scares the hell out of me!

So far, my partner did not mention about wedding as well maybe because he felt that I am not interested or maybe because he is not interested of marrying me. Of course it is NOT FINE! As a woman I still have that dream to walk down the aisle but my fear affects me so much.

If you noticed, in today's generation women are empowered. Unlike before, women now a days knows how to fight back when needed while mostly couples would decide to just live in and give it a try before getting married. This is also what my mom advised before, to be with the man before I decide to get married first because you would only know the person's real identity once you love together in one house.

Lastly, I am waiting for what they referred to as "CALLING".

At this age, despite having two children I do not find the urge of getting married. It feels like it is not the right time yet and only God knows when will it be.

Still, as a woman I have dream to wear such a lovely wedding dress. My batch mates and friends were already married and already have their fair share of pains.

...end thoughts...

Once I have the sign I would know that it is about time but if God may not let me experience being a Bride maybe that is still fine as long as I will never be caged into a man who would cheat on me. You might tell me it is part of the married life and that there is always temptation but my heart won't allow it because I have seen and been with guys who would willingly flirt especially with the industry that I am in but it never occurred in me to cheat and if there is someone more attractive I would always close my eyes. That means, as long as you do your best not to be tempted because you respect and love your partner then YOU WON'T!