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I have been reading details and articles of different writers here in read.cash. Be it the tenure to the new one's. Tried to engage because I wat them to feel welcome and valued. One way to show that read.cash and so as BCH community is hospitable and friendly.
As I go through comments, articles including upvotes and sponsors something hit me and I don't know why this realization hurts a bit but it pretty much wounded me. Just a pinch. Nothing critical.
Some people keeps on telling me that I am good but not really good enough to receive any sponsor and no I am not telling this now to gain one. It is totally fine but I end up questioning myself, WHY?
I see other writers creating articles tagging those users they tend to look up to and say they are the best. I see newbies one or two days here getting sponsored while me I got none. No one ever seemed to appreciate or engage to me that much despite the fact that I am not a snob.
Does my articles and content not worth it? Or is my writing too lousy?
Well then, I kept on saying this mantra," You do not need anyone's approval just to prove that you are good enough." But deep down inside it hurts. I have never been tagged as THE BEST to anything that I chose.
Even at work. I only got "CERTIFICATE OF APPRECIATION" but never "CERTIFICATION AS A TOP EMPLOYEE" or any award that would show that I am THE BEST!
There was a time when I got 24 of a 100% surveys and I was expecting that I will be recognized plus my team leader promised to give me a reward and that was 3 years ago and no reward, no recognition.
There were times that I received good feed back through chat that I am this and that but at the end I am still tagged as "MEET EXPECTATION" but never " EXCEEDS EXPECTATION".
Do I fish for compliments? Nope. I know I am fine without those things BEFORE. But now, it seems that as it hits me. All these realization makes me question myself worth. It makes me experience writers block because I felt a pinch whenever no one's noticing my article. Same goes with anything that I do and sacrifice as I don't get any appreciation. I feel conscious because I get to think maybe I don't give a good read of article to my readers or maybe my article is good for nothing type or just maybe they think I am just writing for the sake of earning.
Maybe, I am not worth this platform but know that I love to write. And please, I am okay. I will be okay.
Just one thing though, every article that I write I spend maximum of 4-7 hours including editing my lead image at times and creating GIFs that is why it hurts when no one would notice and engage. It makes me feel that people only see my article as being published only to earn pity upvotes from Rusty. But yeah, I really can't control people's judgement and mind.
I do not even know if I deserve these 70+ subscribers. Really.
But then I realized instead of getting too much hurt not getting anyone to be proud of me then I will be the one to look for someone deserving to gain a sponsor instead. As long as I could maintain a good earnings in here. I will look for other writers as well. I won't sponsor those who already has a LOT because for sure they are earning enough or more but believe me I look up to many writers here and I can't even stop myself from dreaming and wishing to be like them. I want to motivate more people other than just myself. And may those people that I'll share what's mine would also share to others so the chain of good deed will continue.
And oh, I just got my tippers badge. Yey! I am driven to give more. Usually I leave $1 on my wallet here to give appreciation to others. Now I may raise it to $2-$3 dollars, depends.
All these was my feeling 2 weeks ago. Now, I have pretty much decided to continue learning by reading other authors articles, writing and spreading good karma. No other thing but to just share thoughts, learnings, experiences. All because I love to write and I love people to learn from me. If I only have 1 reader that's pretty fine. May earn or not. Let it be.
I hope and wish someday I can find the field where I am wanted and where I deserve. Because as of today I haven't.
Thanks for reading my dilemma, drama and thoughts whatever you call it. And no, I don't apologize for saying what I felt and I wanna keep it that way.