Dear self;

Please help yourself to forgive yourself, as I know you really needed to, to have a peace of mind. I know it was hard as every time you saw the area where your son fell you always feel guilty. That guilt is already rooting you from inside and I know it's already suffocating you.

Stop blaming yourself as that guilt is already giving you anxiety and it only makes you suffer. Don't say that your an irresponsible mother, because your not. You are not perfect but you are not an irresponsible mother. God knows, all you want is to let him have some fun.

However I know and you know that as well, that for sometime some accidents can't be avoided, though there are some chances that it can be, but we still can't tell if when, as most of the time it can be avoided. You're blaming yourself too much, as you thought that if you only give focus, for sure he wouldn't get hurt.

My dear self, help your self to overcome this anxiety. It's not.....not your fault!! That was accident and that was part of his growth, don't overthink too much. Don't punish your self as it won't help you to become a perfect mother for him. .

Learn the lesson from that incidents and so next time it won't happen again. He was fine, so be fine as well.

_____________________

Urrrrgggghhh God! I am trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, but why does it hard to convince my conscience??

Was it really not my fault??

__________&__________

My dear readers, I'm sorry to confuse you. Yesterday, in the late afternoon an unexpected incidents happen.

The incident happen because I bring my son outside our home. When we went outside, kid's are playing and so my son was happy to see them. He even tried to join them to play and I'm so stu***, as I allow him. (The stupidest thing I ever did! I swear! How can I allow him to play with the bigger kids, though I know mine was still too little. That decision makes me crazy and paranoid since yesterday after the incident happen.)

I always accompany him outside and I don't know what happen to me yesterday and I let him to play with the other kid's, though I don't usually do that. I know he can't play with them. But!! Urrrrgggghhh I'm going crazy!

Before the incidents happen my son was just actually enjoying watching them, and from a distance he was also copying them. Jumping, clapping hands and even laughing. I only watched him from a distance too, since I am confident that nothing will gonna happen.

Later did I know that he would suddenly run and at the same time the other kid also run and they bump into each other and that makes my son fell into the ground. My world suddenly stopped as I saw that his head hits the ground. My body trembled, and I immediately run to pick him up, as he immediately cry after the other kid hits him. My body was shaking with fears. I was trying to calm him down but he continue to cry. I know he gets hurt.

We immediately went inside our home and I was in panicked. I immediately check his head but he didn't gets any single scratch and much worst was the lump(bukol).

My tear's formed when I find out that he was okay. He didn't gets any lump so that means he didn't hits his head hardly from the ground. That was too dangerous for him.

I can't cry in front of him as I needed to be strong for him. However I swear I am so scared. I am so worried. I swear, I can't forgive myself if something bad happens to my son. I can't handle the pain while watching him crying. I know it sounds crazy but that's how fragile I am when it comes to my son and I think I'm going crazy if something bad happen to him. I can't stand seeing him in pain. I really can't, and that is why since last night I am having this anxiety. I always felt the guilt of being an irresponsible mother to my son. It's rooting me inside! I can't even sleep properly 😭.

Furthermore, after a couple of minutes of crying he finally calm down and then he asked me to put him down as I am carrying him. Then when I put him down he immediately grab his sleeper's as he wanted to go out again. For God sake! He act like nothing happens, while I am still on state of shock.

Anyway he was fine, but I still needed to observe him. Though my instinct keeps on telling me that he was fine, my conscience was still killing me. That is why up until now, I still have this heavy feeling inside and I could hardly move as this feeling makes me feel sick . Hopefully he was literally fine.

__________&__________

I'm sorry for this nonsense blog, I just need to release this thought's as it's bothering me too much. Suppose this should be posted earlier today but the our internet connection gets interrupted again and so I fail.

Anyway this is all for today and thank you for reaching this far.

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