My Forever Angel pt. 2

After that very shocking confession, he cried his heart out. I can feel his pain. I pity him. I felt guilty for all of my wrongdoings. I hugged him very tightly and comforted him. Then he stops crying. I think this is the right time to tell him the truth. I'm still hugging him while saying this, "Angel, I'm really sorry for everything. I'm sorry for causing you pain. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to face everything with you and to be by your side always.  I love you, Angel. I love you since before. I'm just scared to get attached to you. I'm afraid to fall in love with you more because I know someday you will leave me behind. I'm afraid to be alone. But I need to be strong for us. I won't be a coward anymore. We can make it. Just please, keep on fighting. Don't surrender, okay?"

Then he kissed me on my forehead and we hugged each other again. Being in love with someone who is sick is very scary. Scared that one day you will wake up not seeing them at all.

 Our relationship is going strong and smooth. Every day is special to both of us. He gave me all his love and I gave all my love to him. I take care of him whenever he feels pain. Until we graduated and get our licenses as teachers. We were both so happy like we are on top of the world. Then we teach in the same school too. And a year later he propose to me. Of course, I say yes. He is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I could not ask for more. A few months later, he got me pregnant with our first baby. I can feel and see his excitement after hearing the great news. And after I gave birth, he really took care of me so well. He is so perfect for a father. Our love really proves that love can conquer all.

 One day, I saw him sitting beside our baby's crib. Silently staring. I can see a very deep sadness in both of his eyes. So I decide not to interrupt him. I continue preparing for our dinner. When all is done, I called for him but he did not answer. Maybe he fell asleep. So I went to our baby's room and found out that he was lying on the floor unconscious. I immediately called his doctor.

 After that incident, his parents and I decided to let him stop teaching. The doctor advised that he should not be stressed and he needs a lot of rest. I'm actually on my maternity leave so I can be able to take care of him also. Thankfully we have our supportive parents to take care of our baby. I fed him and make sure that he will take his medicines on time.

 My Angel is very fighter. His tumor is already big which makes him very weak also. The doctor said it's already cancerous and it is very dangerous for surgery. He took several chemotherapies and I cant help but feel pity for him. My heart feels heavy looking at him suffering. He almost lives in the hospital. There are so many apparatus connected to his body. I cant even count how many times the doctor injected medicines into his body. He is very, very weak. His hair was almost gone.

 I always let him feel that I am strong. I want to show him that I am strong. But when he's asleep, that's when I break down. It really hurts to see your loved one hurting and suffering and you cant even do anything to ease their pain. I may not know the reason why of all people, why he is the one who gets sick? Why him? I kissed him and whispered,  I love you, My Angel. I held hid hand and didn't realize I fell asleep. I was awake when I felt his hand move caressing my face. I looked at him and I saw his smile. His smile never failed to amuse me. He then mouthed the word I love you. Then there, I cried in front of him. Even though he had difficulty raising his hands, he still tried to wipe away my tears.

 "Please stop crying babe. I love you very much." That made me cry again. I kissed his pale and dry lips. I held his hand and kissed it. "Whatever happens I will not leave you here. I will never get tired of kissing your lips even if it's pale and dry. Even if you're skinny now, you're still the strongest one for me. You are the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life. So please keep on fighting. Don't you ever leave me, okay? Remember our baby, he's waiting for you at home." His tears fell and he smiled. A smile that reassured me that he will fight. Then he fell asleep again. 

 I became stronger every day because I can see that he is really fighting. As a wife, I am so happy that I can take care of him. I get used to wiping his body and changing his diapers every day. Actually, it's the nurses' job but I want to be hands-on with my husband's needs. He even said to me, "You're taking me too much care, babe. I'm so ashamed of you". But I will reassure him that he doesn't need to be ashamed. It's my obligation and responsibility to him. And I love taking care of him.

 We celebrated our first wedding anniversary at the hospital. And even our son's first birthday. As time goes on, he became especially weak. Later on, he almost lives in the ICU. During that days, something bad is running to my mind and I cant help to be scared and nervous. I can see that he's so very weak like a withered vegetable. Sometimes, he wakes up not knowing us anymore. He just stares at us and then falls asleep again. But I keep on reminding him to fight and never to surrender. And I always tell him how much I love him.

 The next days became not easy.  With each drug injected into him, he will shout very loud like, "Aww! It hurts so much. Please! Stop It." I always cry every time I see him like that. He's in monitored by the doctors right now. They check his blood from time to time and inject drugs too. Then he cried again because of the pain. Every time we touch him he felt pain. And I know something is wrong in this situation. I have been praying so hard to God at that time. When he was calm and was alone in the room, I talked to him. I don't cry in front of him so he will not worry.

 "Babe, are you okay? You can still do it right?" I said to him forcing myself not to cry with all my might. Then he said, "Yes, babe. Can I talk to mom and dad, please? Can you call them for me?"

 So I went out of the ICU and called my husband's parents. I put my ear to the door and inevitably listened to what they had to say. Angel said, "Mom, Dad. Thank you so much for everything. And I just want you both to know that I love you. Can I have a last favor? Please take care of my wife and son for me. Please." All I can hear is his moms sobbing after Angel said that. My heart tightened.

 As I opened the door, I saw his parents embracing Angel. They were crying. Then his siblings and my parents came with our son inside too. But my parents left immediately because of my son. At last, when we were the only ones left, I breakdown in front of him.

 "Babe. Angel. Can you please don't do this to me? Please don't leave me." I said this while sobbing. "I will also die when you will disappear. I cant stand this anymore. I'm begging you. Please don't leave me. How about our son? Babe, please. Fight for us, okay? Please" I don't care if I look like a child shouting and wailing just because my wishes were not realized. I keep stomping my feet. I cant take this anymore. He also cried with me too. I hugged him hoping he changes his mind. I wipe his tears and whispered to him. "Baby, please don't leave me, okay? It's a favor, please. I'm begging you. Please have mercy on me, to us your son."  He still trying to hug me even though he is very weak.

 "Babe, can they just inject me something that I can sleep. I can't bear this situation anymore. My whole body hurts and I can't take it anymore." I saw the pain in his eyes. That's when I realized that I am being selfish. I know he's suffering a lot. But thinking about everything without him is a different situation. " No, you can't babe. Don't you feel sorry for me? To our son? How about are dreams? Babe please." But I just received a smile from him. A smile that will be forever tattooed in my heart. A smile that I will not be able to see but definitely be remembered forever. And he said, "Please. I love you, Babe. Thank you so much for everything."

 Then later on, what I feared the most happened already. It's happening and I can see it from my very eyes. Angel is gone. He already left me behind. Why is it, God? Why?

 I cant believe that he's already gone. Forever. During his burial, we released doves and balloons. And as I released mine, I said, "I will miss you so much, babe. I will miss you like crazy. I love you." Then everything went black.

 It is no joke when you lose someone who played a pig part in your heart. I know God has a plan. A great plan for everything. To me and our son.

It's been a year since my husband left. It hurts. It fucking hurts but I need to accept the mere fact that he's forever gone. I need to continue living for our dreams to come true. If he's still alive maybe we will both have our master's degrees and together we will get our doctoral degrees. The wound is still fresh even after a year. And I am trying to be strong because I still have the reason to continue living. Our son.

 To My Angel,

You're really now our Angel. I really, really miss you so damn much right now. Please guide us always above there. I am slowly making our dreams come true, Babe. You're my inspiration. You and our son. Thank you for everything. I love you. Forever and always. Till we meet again.

 Loving you Forever,

Anne Marie

 Life is very cunning. So cherish every moment you have with your family, friends, and loved ones. Because neither one of us know when will God take from us these borrowed lives. Always make everyone in your life feel that they're important. Make them fight for their lives whenever they're sick too. Life is so precious to be wasted.

Lead image from Google.

Thank you <3