Hindsight

Have you ever thought of dying instead of living? Well, first I want you to know that I'm not a beggar nor an orphan. Let me say I can get everything I want with just a snap. Life is very easy for me. Or should I say I am someone who was living the life that everyone wanted to live? But that is a big WAS.

I just open my eyes and then I saw a very bright light. Everything is white. Is this what they call heaven? But wait why I am here? I am too young to be here. I am just a 10-year-old girl who has so many dreams to make. Wait. Where are Mom and Dad? I graduated as a valedictorian just as I promised and in exchange, we will go on a family trip. A trip going to my favorite place on earth, Korea. How will we go if I will not get ready? But then I realize I couldn't move my feet and my arms. No, I can't move my whole body. What's wrong with me? Am I really in heaven? I am starting to panic. Even if it very hurt I try to move on my right side then left side, then there I saw a mirror. Upon looking at the mirror, this is the only thing that runs in my mind, "This is not me!" And everything went black.

I am Hope. Hope because I am the hope to my beloved Mom and Dad. I am their answered prayer. Because my mom has difficulty in pregnant. Both of them runs a very successful business. So even though, I barely see them at the house, I understand because I know they're working very hard for my future. I am not like the others who rebel just to seek attention. I have my best friend Marcus with me so I won't get sad. He is 1 year older than me. We are friends for almost 6 years, that's why we are comfortable with each other. He seems like a big brother to me and so I am a sister to him. He is always there to be my playmate, my protector, and sometimes my enemy. Why? Because he's also someone who always makes fun of me. Maybe I should consider myself as his happy pill.

I woke up again and it's all-white again. Then suddenly I saw an earlier flash in my mind. I cry and what made me more cry is that I can't speak. The face of my aunt appears in my face. I heard her calling for assistance. "Doctor! Nurse, where is the doctor? My niece is awake!" She repeated a couple of times till the resident doctor came. I'm still crying. I don't know what I am going to feel. There are so many questions roaming in my mind unanswered. Like what the hell is happening? Where are my parents? It's been 12 hours since I have been wide awake and neither of their shadows is present. I wanted to ask my aunt but as I say I can't speak. All I can do is cry and cry as I witness my aunt worrying about me.

5 days have passed, I feel I became stronger than yesterday. At least I can move my left and right arm and I can move my head. I learned it's been 15 years since I fell into a coma. Yeah, you heard it right. So I am 25 years old now and it explains why I can't recognize my face. My parents? They were both gone peacefully resting back in the arms of God. 15 years ago, my parents and I got into a car accident while we were on our way to the airport to catch a flight bounded to Korea. I remember my dad driving, my mom beside him, and me in the backseat. We're both happy, excited, and singing our hearts out. When, unfortunately, we happen to meet a drunk driver driving a huge cargo truck. Thankfully, I have my Aunt Hazel, who never gives up on me. She is the only family I have. She never married that's why all of her attention, love, and care filled me. I owe her my life now. At first, after I learned what happened, my heart refused to tool it. Why? Why of all people this tragedy happened to me? Am I a bad girl to my parents? Why? I almost got mad at the Lord why let these things happened to me. But then, realization struck me. I don't want to waste this second chance to live. Life sucks but still, I need to live. And that time, I also realize I lose the ability to love.

I need to undergo many therapies, it is like I became a baby again. Like a baby, they teach me slowly by slowly how to talk and walk. Everything a growing child needs to know. Good thing my body or should I say myself is a very fast learner. Instead of half a year like what the therapist said I need to be fully recovered, it just only takes 3 months only. Maybe it helps my determination and eagerness to learn. And a week after my full recovery, I was discharged.

My aunt insisted to go with her back to the states but I resist. She needs to take care of the company my parents left. It was already named to me but I am not ready yet. I wanted to be independent and I don't want to leave my family's house either. This is where my family memories live. I knew my aunt doesn't deserve my coldness but I can't help it.

I've been thinking about where I am now if the accident happens. Maybe I am working. Maybe I am now a successful businesswoman like my parents. So to be able to forget, I study hard. A few years later I got my degree. I did not waste my time again. After graduating, I asked my Aunt that I am ready to be trained so that I can fully manage our business. My Aunt Hazel was hesitant at first but she trusted me. She said I can go tomorrow.

Like every other night, I will standby on the terrace of my room, sipping red wine and let myself drown in memories. I still cry and only I know. It feels I am a child stuck in an adult body. I don't even know what it feels when I got my menarche or everything a teenager experienced. Imagine yourself spending almost half of your life lying in bed. I just can't still believe but there's nothing I can do. I just silently praying wishing I could turn back to the time when everything in my life is perfect. And hoping hopefully God will hear me this time.

And like every morning too, I will found myself waking in bed when my last memory that I slept is on the terrace. And like I always do also, I maybe sleepwalk that's why. After doing all my morning routine, I drove my car on the way to the company. I am quite very early, that why there still no employees around. When I arrived at my said office, lots of memories again filled in my mind. A little girl wearing a cute school uniform with a pink backpack running toward her mom and dad. This is my parents' office actually and I noticed nothing change in it. I almost cry myself when I heard someone clearing his throat. I fix myself before facing this someone who ruined my moment. He should learn to knock on the door for christ's sake. I'm ready to get mad when I face him but it is like my tongue rolled back. It feels like the whole world stops. In front of me is a very gorgeous hot guy that I never imagine will exist on earth. But everything I thought faded when he said, "I know I'm beyond handsome Hope, but please stop drooling" as he walked past me, put the papers on my table with a smirk. He then walks to the door, faces at me, blinks his eyes, and closes the door before my very eyes leaving me dumbfounded. This is so much to start a day. God, what an annoying man!

All I need to know about the company was sent by my Aunt in my email. So my whole day is busy reading everything, from familiarizing and memorizing. I spend my whole weekend like this. Thankfully, I never met that guy again, or else I will fire him. So far, the company is stable with the help of my Aunt guiding me through everything. I went home eat my dinner and lock myself in my room. I have a stay-out helper who does the cleaning and cooking that's why when I went home, I just heat it and eat. I never met her once but I think there's no problem with that.

Happy World Teachers' Day 💞

Lead image from Google

Thank you so much 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇