Die. Love. Repeat.

Here I am sitting on the grass, staring at the sky. It's so peaceful here. I can only hear the chirping of the birds.

"How are you? I envy you, you know. I know you're happy there. But I just can't be happy knowing you're there." I can't help but cry all over again. "How I wish to be with you. Tss. How ungrateful you are." I keep on talking while crying and smiling. I know if someone will see me they will take me as crazy.

"You said forever and always. You promised. We promised till death do we part. But why did you left me all alone?" And then I cry. I cry so hard like there is no tomorrow.

It's been a year when my husband Dave left me. And here I am visiting his grave. A year has been passed but the pain is still fresh. No matter what I do I still keep this pain in my heart. For me, I will bring it with me till the day that I will die.

I've been trying to kill myself so many times but unluckily I can't. I just wish I could end this suffering once and for all. I can't take it anymore. Sometimes life will not turned out to be the life that you wanted to be.

It looks like it's gonna rain so I need to go home. "Dave, I will be back. Or can you please send someone to help me move on? Just kidding. I love you forever and always and no one will replace you ever in my heart."

So I hurriedly went to my car. The rain starts to pour. As I was on my way, I saw a guy lying on the ground. Instead of going to my car, I run towards the guy. The rain falls hard this time. I am all wet now so I hurriedly went to him. I felt my blood drained on my face when the guy I saw is not breathing. Oh God, what to do?

I search for his pulse. "Here. Thank God." I said when I found a pulse but it's very weak that I almost didn't feel it. I am a nurse so I kinda know how to do first aid. I dialed first the ambulance then I execute CPR. The ambulance did not take so long and they bring him immediately to the nearest hospital.

I went with them. My conscience will not let me sleep not until that guy is fine. I heard he was overdosed by sleeping pills. He was trying to kill himself. Luckily that I found him and immediately gave him first aid. An hour pass by and the doctor told me he is stable now. I feel so relieved now. I just leave my info at the nurse station and went home.

A week passed since that incident and my life is still the same. Work. Home. Vice versa. If ever I had a child with Dave maybe it will be less sad. But I can't be pregnant because it will trigger my weak heart.

Friday night and tomorrow is my rest day. Thank God I can now rest from a very hectic schedule. I am now ready to fall asleep when my phone suddenly vibrates. I just want to ignore it because I know it will just be my coworkers that will keep on bugging me to join them clubbing. But sorry it's not my thing.

But then it keeps on vibrating, that I lose my drowsiness. I looked at the clock and it's midnight already. Who the hell is this? I pick my phone and saw an unknown number. After three rings, I answered. "Hello?" But no one answering. Is this a prank call, coz if it's one I swear they will regret it.

"Hello! If this is a prank call, please stop. I don't have any time for this!" I am going to end the call when the other line is spoken. "Erica, why are you doing this to me? Why?" It's a voice of a man while crying. His voice makes me feel lonely too. "I'm sorry but you got the wrong number, sir. I am not Erica." Then I ended the call. Maybe it's a prank call but the sadness feels real. Nevermind. I better go back to sleep.

Sunday, I get ready to go back to the cemetery. This is my Sunday routine. I bring enough food that I can consume till lunch. When I arrive at the cemetery, I park my car then bring with me the blanket and basket of food with me. A few meters away from me I saw a man sitting. "He looks familiar." I thought to myself but I ignore it.

I just continue my way to my husband's grave.

"Hey, hon. Good morning. How's your day there? I miss you so much." There go my traitor tears again. I told him everything that happens to me this week. From my work, the man that I helped and the prank call. I keep talking like someone will talk back to me. Till the afternoon comes, I have to go home again and this is what I hate the most. If only I could build a house here then I would be happy but I can't.

The next day, I am off to work. As usual, there are so many patients to tend to. Being busy made me forget that's why even if it is very exhausting and tiring I still like better to be at work.

I'm about to off to work when one of my co-workers approaches me. "Hey Liz, someone is looking for you." "Who is it?" I asked. "Well, I dunno. You better see it yourself." She said while giving me a naughty look. I immediately grab my things and went to the waiting area. Then there I saw the man looking intently at me.

"Excuse me Sir, are you the one who is looking for me?" I said to end his strange stares at me. "Oh sorry. I'm Calix de la Fuentes. But Cali will do." He said while offering a hand to me. I accepted it and said, "Hello Mr. Cali, what can I do for you?"

"Can we talk it over dinner? If that's okay with you?" He said, in a shy way. I look at him and I think he's no harm so I bet it will be okay. "Sure."

"Can I offer you a ride?" He said. "I have my car with me. Anyway, let's just convoy. You lead the way." I said and we went to the parking lot.

He chose the nearest restaurant to my work. I think he already planned it because of the reservation. While waiting for our food I asked him again. "Sir Cali, what is it that you want to discuss with me?" He looks so tense. "Well, I just want to say Thank You, and I'm sorry." He said very apologetically. "What for?" I curiously said. He look again intently at me and said, "Thank you for saving my life that day at the cemetery and I'm sorry for calling and mistaking you last night. I get your phone number at the station so that I can thank you. I was so drunk that day I didn't know whom I dialed." He explained awkwardly.

I don't know what to say. The waiter arrives bringing our food. I just said to him, "It's okay, whoever will see you in that situation they will eventually help you." I sincerely smiled and add, "Well about the call, let us just forget about it" that made us laugh. Then we finish our food.

In the parking lot, we both went to our cars. "Thanks for the dinner," I said. "No, I know this gesture is not enough for all your kindness and my stupidity. So thank you again and I'm sorry." He said. "No worries," I told him.

That dinner was followed by many dinners. We just found ourselves comfortable with each other. But I know who is still there in my heart and I can feel that Cali has someone also in his heart. I haven't opened up to him about my past neither did he. It's friendship.

Today is the 2nd death anniversary of my late husband. As usual, I will go to him and stay till the sunsets. I prepare everything I need to bring and went on my way.

I park immediately then bring all my kinds of stuff. While I was on my way to my husband's grave, I notice someone familiar. A man standing beside a grave, with a handkerchief in his hand wiping his face. Looks like he just arrive too. When I got to see his face I called him, "Cali!" He immediately wipes again his face before facing me. "Hey, Liz, what's up?" He said and I saw he just came from crying. I felt guilty disturbing his moment. My mouth can't just keep it. "I'm sorry for disturbing you. You can go back now. Let us just meet later." He just smiled and nodded.

When I arrive at my husband's grave, I lighted a candle and offer him a prayer. I talked to him again. I told him about Cali. "Hon, how fast the time flies. It's already 2 years but nothing has changed. I still miss you bad." I said then cry again. "It still hurts talking to you from here. It really hurts to miss you and I can't do anything but just to look only in your pictures. Hon, I miss you." I cry with all my heart.

The sunsets and I ready myself to leave. At the parking area, I saw Cali standing beside his car. I think he's waiting for me. "Hey, I thought you already left," I said as I walked to my car and put my stuff at the back. "Well, I would like to invite you for dinner again, if that's okay with you?," He said. I laughed and said, "Sure, why not? I won't take no for every free meal." Then we laugh.

We choose a restaurant near the beach. After eating we decide to have a drink. We sat on the sand and watch the calmness of the sea and night. "Mind if I asked who is the one you're visiting earlier?" I asked Cali. He then let out a sigh. "My wife." He said while still looking at the sea. "How about you?", He continued. "I'm sorry for that. It's my husband". That's when he looked at me. "It's been 2 years since he left me. He was diagnosed with late-stage brain cancer. It kills me that I can't do anything just to take away the pain he was going through," I said as my tears fall again. A long silence. I can only hear the noise of the waves and the soft music from the restaurant nearby.

"When you saw me lying like dead on the cemetery, I really did want to end my life. It's the day when my wife was buried. I really want to follow her but you came. She had our baby with her." Oh my God, I said to myself. "She was 5 months old pregnant that time. I'm on a business trip at that time. She went alone to buy groceries. I knew how my wife was very careful when driving. It is just some people don't think of the consequences of what they do. A drunk driver hit her. Everything happens so fast. Of all people why her?" Then he starts to cry too. I can't do anything to comfort him. I just hug him and pat his back. We're both victims of this cruel world. Maybe that's why our paths met. Or maybe there's another reason?

After that confessions, nothing changes about Cali and me. We are getting closer day by day. What change is when we were visiting our loved ones is that we will go together. Most of my co-workers thought he is my new lover and they're very happy for me coz I already move on at last. We just laughed about that thought.

Everything change when he went to the states for a month to attend his business. I feel again the loneliness. I don't understand myself but I miss him. I shouldn't feel this way. I love my husband. So I visit again his grave and decided to bring whiskey with me this time. I keep on drinking and crying. This guilt is killing me. "Hon, what's wrong with me? I love you. Please help me." And everything went black.

I was walking in a very beautiful garden where butterflies are flying everywhere. Then I saw a man near the tree. Its Dave. I run towards him and hug him very tightly. Then we kissed. "Hon, I miss you. Can you take me there with you?" But he just smiled at me. "Elize, honey, I know how much you love me. But you have to be happy. I know there's always a part of me in your heart. Let me go now. I am happy where I am now. Please be happy. I will always love you." He kissed my forehead. I just nodded. Then he began to walk away. I run as fast as I can until he is nowhere to be seen. I shouted, "Dave! Dave!" I woke up it was all just a dream. I was awakened by Cali because I keep on shouting. I hug him when I saw him and I continue to cry.

"How did I get here?" I asked after he gave me a glass of water to calm. My head hurts so bad. "Well I just came to visit my wife and I saw your car so I conclude you're there also. I decided that we went home together but then I saw you lying with a bottle of whiskey in your hands. That's why you're here." He said and I feel shy suddenly. He just chuckled, I think he read me. Later, I decided to went home but he insisted to drive me home. I refuse but he keeps on insisting so I let him.

I realize that I feel something for him. More than friends. I don't want to ruin our friendship that's why I avoided him. But the more I don't see him, the more I miss him. God, I don't know what to do. Whenever he will went to my workstation, I will make sure he doesn't see me. I don't reply to his text messages and chats. And I don't answer his calls too. I visit the cemetery on a different day too so that we will not see each other. I'm so glad everything went my way even though my heart did not say so.

I was going to my car when I saw Cali standing beside it. It's too late to go back coz he already saw me. "Liz, are you avoiding me? What did I do wrong?" he sounded very confused with bloodshot eyes. He's drunk. I said no but he didn't accept it. "Liz. Please tell me. It's driving me crazy." He's crying this time now and I can't help but cry too. "Liz, hey please tell me. Are you mad at me? I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. So please enlighten me." I just want to go away but I can't just leave him here. "I love you." Then there I said. I saw him dumbfounded. "Yes, I avoided you. I don't want to ruin our friendship that's why I'm doing all of this. I don't want this feeling to grow bigger. I don't want myself to get hurt. My heart is not ready to be rejected. I don't understand why I miss you so bad. Why do I have to feel this way? So please just let me, okay?" I thought he will leave me after hearing me but instead, he hugged me. "Why did you not tell me? You don't know I've been dying to tell you how much I miss you and I love you. The first moment I saw you, I knew I am in trouble. But I'm afraid you will avoid me if I said this to you." I was dumbfounded too. All along we shared the same feelings. Then we kissed. This time I am already sure I really love him. I can see Dave is happy now when I close my eyes, that I already let go of my feelings. I hope it's the same with Cali because I will bet again for love.

Our relationship is the same as every other relationship. There are good and bad days but we don't let each other sleep without making up. Fast forward. After a year, Cali proposed to me. He said he don't want to waste time. Both of us know how precious time is and how life short is. And who am I to refuse? I love him and I want to open a new chapter of my life.

A simple but very romantic wedding. Only close relatives were invited. This is how we wanted our wedding to be. 3 months after he proposed, our wedding happened. It was the best day of our lives. We spent our honeymoon in Maldives for more than a month. Everything is all in its place. I hope this will all continue.

I wake up one morning feeling dizzy. I run to the bathroom and started to vomit. I feel so weak after. Recently, I feel very weak as the days go by and I don't think it's good. Cali now is on his business trip abroad. So I decided to go to a doctor to be cleared.

After a few tests, the result came afterward. "Mrs. dela Fuentes, I have good and bad news. What do you want to hear first?" I feel my heart is going to explode upon hearing the doctor. "The good, please," I said as my heart keeps on beating so fast. "Congratulations, you're 3 weeks pregnant, Mrs. de la Fuentes." the doctor said smiling. "How about the bad news, doc?" Then the doctor's expression became sad. "Being pregnant with your status is very risky. I bet you know you have a weak heart. I'm afraid as the baby grows in your womb, your heart will become weaker too." "For the past years, I have had my regular check-up but my heart is fine doc. Why?" I said almost crying. "But in that case, you're not pregnant." I just nod defeated.

I went home feeling like I am not myself that why I haven't notice that Cali was here already. When I saw him I run towards him and hug him tight. I can't help but cry. I told him everything. He's happy but at the same time sad. "Babe, I don't want to lose you nor our baby. I love you and we will do everything," he said reassuring me that everything will be okay.

Time flies so fast and I'm just waiting when will my baby to go out. We're here in the US because the hospitals here are more high-tech. I almost live in the hospital monitoring my heart and my baby. I'm so lucky Cali is there to support me. When I'm about to lose hope, he's here to give me hope. The doctor said, my heart is cooperating. When the time comes that I have to give birth then It's up to me to give a fight for my heart and my baby. I hope I can survive.

"Cali, You know how much I love you right?" I said as we went out on the rooftop of the hospital. I am sitting in the wheelchair so bent down to face me. "And you know how much I love you more right?" I nodded. "Babe, if ever something happens to me, I want you to promise me that you will continue to be happy, okay? I want you to take care of our baby and at the same time don't forget to love again. I want you to still find your happiness no matter what happens. I just want you to know how glad I am when you came into my life. And despite everything that happens I still thank God for having you in this lifetime. I love you so much." I kiss him and he kisses me back. "Come on stop saying that. We promised to grow old together. So please stop acting like you're dying alright. I love you more. And you're the best thing that happened in my life." Cali said. "Please just promise me." Cali just kiss me back. "One more thing, whatever may happen I want you to bring me back home, okay?" I know Cali didn't like what I have said. But he just nods his head and hugs me very tight. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I am happy I met Cali.

"Time of death, 1:43 AM." the doctor said. All I can hear is our little boy crying and the beep of the machine. It feels like the whole world stops. I knew that this would happen but I haven't prepared for this pain.

I am looking now to our baby who is sleeping very soundly in my arms. "It's you and I from now on. I know your mom will watch us from up above. I will love and take care of you for the rest of my life." And a tear escapes my eyes. I don't know how will I accept this mere fact that she's gone.

We're now on the plane, heading back to the Philippines as I promised to her.

It breaks my heart to see my child growing someday without her mom. I wanted to cry but I think all of my tears are all dried up. How many days I haven't slept since? My heart's been broken and my head is hurting like hell. And I can't stop thinking more about Elize now because she never made me feel unloved. Maybe if she is here, she will be taking care of me and nagged about why I get this headache. Go, please help me to bear everything.

"Sir, someone's giving you these meds. It says to relieve your headache. You're so lucky, Sir you've got a very thoughtful wife. She just knows your head hurts just by looking at you. How I wish I could have a husband like her someday." the flight attendant said dreamily. I thought I can't cry anymore but here I am. My tears are racing. "Sir what's wrong? Did I say something wrong?" the flight attendant said in confusion and worried. I was lost in words that I don't know what to say. Where could I find someone like her?

"My wife is dead. Her body is on this plane because I want to fulfill my promise to her." I really want to say this to the flight attendant but I just cry and cry.

It hurts but I will make it through for our baby. My love for her will never outgrow instead I will keep her forever in my heart. This lifetime maybe not be for us but in my next life, I will find her everywhere. The measure of love is when you love without measure. "I love you Elize even in my next life. It's you. Always You."

Lead image from Google.

Thank you so much 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇