A Letter to Theodore Finch

Dear Theodore Finch,

You are the character I feel most connected to. I wish I could tell you that I feel your pain.

You were not a coward, Theo. I wish you had someone to talk to. I wish someone would have realized what you were going through.

I know that you’re struggling and that I am sorry that you couldn’t live a long and happy life. I’m angry that no one tried hard enough to help you, that no one seemed to care about your well-being.

It was so empathetic of you to understand Violet's pain and loss and help her revive from her sister's death.

I love the way you found a way to metaphorize everything. I love the way you longed to find hope in every tiniest thing nature had to offer. I love the way you pulled out Violet from the little shell she had absorbed herself in.

You gave Violet a hundred things to find hope in. You gave her a reason to live her life and move on from her grief.

For all you losing all hope and having no choice, you let Violet have many choices for herself. You loved Violet and stood by her at her worst. You complimented Violet Markey's character so well.

I know that Violet tried to help, I know she did – but I wish she didn’t give up on you – I wish she tried to look for you when you decided to disappear again, as everyone claims that you have always done. That that is just the way you are, that you come and go – but you always come back. I don’t know what it feels like when your world seems to be shrinking and constricting you, that feeling you want to just disappear. She truly did love you though, I could see that – she did. And you loved her.

I hate that you committed suicide. I hate that nothing was enough to make you last a long time. I hate that the empty feelings you were prepared to channel into this one feeling - love, were too fierce for your strength.

Finch, I wish I knew you – if you have been a real-life person, I wish I knew who you were… the real you, none of those personas and facades that you have created to hide. Would have I been able to help you? I don’t think I would have been able to, but I would have liked to try – to listen and try to understand how you were feeling.

It was hard reading how much you wanted to live to be a part of this world, to live happily and content. You helped Violet live her life, freed her from her grief and at that moment you were happy. What happened Finch? Why did you do it? I want to know what went wrong because I want to understand. You know, I feel like you never truly revealed what you were feeling – that you were always trying to avoid it. I guess you didn’t have a choice because you have been labeled – and that’s the worst thing they could have done to you, Finch.

I am sorry, Theo, they called you freak and faggot and labeled you with other nasty adjectives, but for me, you are a hero, Finch.

I am sorry that your dad didn't know what he was losing when he left you. I am sorry that your mom didn't realize that you were broken.

I’m sorry, that’s all I can say.

I hope that one day you will be able to find the Great Manifesto, that you’re finally happy and can be yourself. I hope you’re happy now Finch because you deserve it.

You are alive, Theodore Finch, in my heart and I'll always hold on to you.

Yours truly,

Fyangzee

Lead image from Google.

Thank you ❤