Dear You,

Please play music while reading.

I could have sent you a text or patiently wait for you to come back home to tell you this but it will be indelible if my sentiments are inked in these pages.

It's quite a long time now since I witnessed your smile on that certain day when I gave you my sweetest yes. I am hoping that when you see this piece and dive deep into these words, you will remember how you are making me feel alive.

I never saw you coming. You are those soft little kisses my godfather plants on my cheeks as a sign of adoration. You are my alpha. The one I'm creating my hopes with. To many, you are perfect. The popular guy that can be easily noticed just by walking down the corridors of the school. A science enthusiast who finds more contentment in watching documentaries than in reading. The good-looking guy that most girls want to end up with.

And here I am, the girl, who cannot make somebody turn his back on me when I pass by on the street. I am an introverted bookworm who finds comfort and bliss when I sniff the pages of the books in the corner of my room. The frustrated musician who gets lost in Cigarettes After Sex songs.

Then we met, until now, I do not know if fate did its parts for us to cross our paths but it surely made me perceive something impenetrable. The wounded soul in me that refuses to believe in the magic of love was slowly healed by your mending touch. I searched for the incantations and charms that you cast on me, yet I still couldn't discover it up until now. Then and there, you had triumphantly broken down my walls by your mesmerizing brown eyes, your ravishing smile your curiosity that made in its way to discovering. You made flowers bloom inside me like they were watered with pixie clouds of dust, insusceptible of wilting.

We created a world of our own; a world made out of dreamy twilight, secret glances, and whispered promises. For me, that was more than enough. It's just you and me. Serene, Blissful. In love.

I never fantasized to see my name on a bulletin displayed in public being described, as someone who turned somebody's world upside down nor I demanded to be shown off yet you wanted to plunge into the ocean of muggles with me.

Do you still remember the first time we held hands together in a room full of metaphors? It could just be plain and ordinary performances of poets, but for me, it was surreal because there was you, seated next to me who brought a little more life in that exact moment. I thought that the stars aligned for that time to be perfect, but as I tried to listen to the poets on stage, I sensed that I am judged by unfamiliar eyes.

"What did he saw in her? She's a lump of fat meat. She doesn't even know how to groom her eyebrows."

Those were the exact words uttered by the girl who stared at me incredulously at the far end of the row and managed to look in the direction where we were sitting. I clutched my hand and prevented the liquid catalyzing in my eyes from dripping and acted as if I heard nothing. But my inside already constricted like they were all in knots. You looked concerned as if asking me what's wrong but then I just flashed a smile to look like everything's okay.

By then, those stares were my daily dose of nightmares. The doubts in me that I tried to hide suffocated me. Every time that we're together at school, on fast-food chains, or even at sacred places where discrimination where so much to control, I get so uncomfortable. It seems like I was suspected as the arsonist who set the building on fire. Words were thrown at me like bullets from a gun. Every shot echoed unworthiness, loathing, and abomination. I never thought of falling in love feels like being sentenced to a crime that you aren't even responsible for doing. Does it require you to stay in a cell not made up of cold iron bars? But instead, a bar made up of judgment and hatred. Does somebody need to be pretty, slim, wealthy, or flawless for us to receive the kind of loving that we wish to experience?

For days, those words from a girl whose lips are too red for a seventeen-year-old kept ringing in my head, like the sirens of an ambulance that keeps on pacing back and forth on the streets at night. As much as I want it to disappear, and ignore its existence, the more it sounds so loud that it made me sleepless.

"I'm not good enough for you," I muttered as I ran outside the house before you could close the door and before I could hardly leave. I walked barefooted on roads where broken bottles of liquor are scattered. I scampered as fast as I could, without any knowledge of where am I heading to. Out of nowhere, somebody showed up and he's coming after me. With all my might, I tripled my steps as I was also chasing for my breath until I felt the warm blanket wrapped up in my body.

That's when I felt your lips press to my forehead as if welcoming me to the real world. As I became half-conscious, I sleepily scanned the room, noticed your silhouette as you opened the curtains for me to see the majestic view of the sun while bidding its goodbye.

"You overslept. You wouldn't want to miss it, would you?"

I seated still on the couch, thinking if it really happened, or it was just in my dream. You looked at me teasingly like you always do. I rolled my eyes and headed to the kitchen to find something that can satisfy my hunger.

"Hey!" You grabbed me by the hands, nestled me between your arms, and whispered, "you are more than enough."

Your words are my redemption from all the pain. At that moment, I knew that I'm not the only one who's fighting to work this out. I knew there's you, who is willing to wake me up in the middle of my nightmares. And there's you, the guy whom I thought, would never dare to say 'hi' but the one who saw the best in me. I just want to say thank you, for the constant reminder, that I too am worthy of the love that I am capable of giving. And thank you for making me feel alive.

Love,

Fyangzee

Lead image from UNSPLASH.

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