I have many reasons to commit suicide but I never did.

Why I am writing this? Well, I want to share how my life sucks, I want to share hundreds of reasons for me to commit suicide but it never was on my options. Life is insanely pushing me hard to commit unpleasant things, but I am tough it never beat me at all. So you will know that problems are not meant to consume us.

So many reasons to chose death but I chose life out of one reason

My biological father abandoned me- My father left my mom when she was pregnant and from that reason alone my life started to suck since the beginning. I never meet my father until now.

My mother tried to abort me- My mom cannot accept that she was abandoned, she cannot accept that she was fooled by a married man, since she does not want what's happening to her, I am pretty sure she did all the methods to get rid of me, I am 100% sure of that since I remember she went to manghihilot when she got pregnant with my other siblings, so how much more about me? Also, my stepfather told me so. But the hell, I was a fighter since the beginning, I am just glad my body parts is complete 😆

My mother doesn't like me/ My relatives doesn't like me- my mom used to hate me all her disgust in life will throw at me, I was like a punching bag whenever shes mad she will release it through me. Calling me bad names and calling me "a daughter of demons". My mother doesn't like me much, how much more about my relatives? Well their treatment with me is different, I had a girl cousin the same age as me whenever visit our aunties and uncles their treatment towards that cousin of mine is warmer than their treatments towards me. I was bullied inside my vicinity and outside (school), they are all mean just because I am fatherless. I was born in the year 1992 so the mindset of the society about getting pregnant without a husband is very lame.

I was bullied at home and outside the home- I felt like everyone is bullying me, I can't even call it a home because in our house mom will bully me, in school some of my classmates bully me. I didn't have any peace at all, it's only sleeping during the vacant time at school, or during our class, I will sleep. If teachers will scold I just let them, I don't care about what they say. They all suck me anyway.

I was molested/ Attempted to be rape- my mom was just 22 years old when she had me so she will probably have a new lover, that's why I have half-siblings. When I was 16 years my stepfather attempted to rape me, I was left alone in our house. He and mom broke up because he keeps beating my mom. He was a sadist when he gets drunk. That time I was still at 3rd year Junior High School, mom wants me to stop schooling but I don't want to, I love studying I love schooling. I got brains but sadly I was out of moral support and financial support plus life is really hard on me. So going back, my stepfather attempted to rape me, nobody hears me shouting for help because the rain pours heavily. He keeps on punching stomach, so I can sleep but my body is fighting it didn't shut down with many punches. I was able to escape from that scary moment, I just followed the voice commanding me how to escape. My stepfather is a sadist he likes to see blood when he is drunk, he even sliced his arms and licked it, he has anting-anting that is why his acts are like devils. So the voice in my head told me "Do not hurt him back, it will trigger him. Just plead and talk to him nicely", so I did. I told him "Dad, I respected you so much. I treated you like my real dad, please don't do it to me" after he hears my plead he calms down, he stopped punching me. He apologized but still, he is hugging and kissing my neck (Ewww), but he was slowly losing his grip to me. When I got the chance to run away, I did but he never chases and let me go instead. That was the last night, we have talked until now. He denied everything, he was ashamed.

I love schooling but mom does not want me to study- After I finished high school I was 17 years old that time, I graduated late from my batch since my mom doesn't want me to study, there are years I stopped but after that school year I will beg her to let me study. During college, I was looking for people to let me work while studying, but nobody takes me. Then I bumped into an old man, he was a friend of my cousins. My cousins who are partygoers, referred me to him since that man is interested to support somebody to study those who are willing but financially incapable. I talk to him since I am very interested to study, and ask his condition since I am aware there is no such thing as free. He told me that he will support me to finish my study and in return, I will take care of him when he is old since he doesn't have any child. Her wife abandoned him because of his infertility issue. I accepted it since it does not involve myself as the guarantee payment, and I can see he was sincere at that time. I stayed in the dormitory, he will visit me there to give my allowances and left after that. He also works at the university I entered. Never thought that the university would also be like hades to me 😔

I was judged/they call me a bitch- As I entered the university my life sucks, even more, I hear gossip here and there that I am bitch sponsored by an old man to study, that I was his darling like wtf he didn't even touch even the tip of my nails. People are so judgemental only a few who believe me that he was just my sponsor and nothing less since I always stayed at the dormitory, my routine was just school and dorm vice versa, only my roommates believe me. At that time, I already had a boyfriend but in a long-distance, we live in different places which is my hubby now. He knows everything, that's why he became my shock absorber in every bad thing that was happening to me. Some of my professors will ask me, how am related to that old man "Is he your sugar daddy?" and laugh like a fool after insulting me without even asking the whole story behind it. Our dormitory manager even discourage me and said "It is good to finish your study from your own hard work not by using yourself as capital". After all the insult and gossip behind my back, I will just cry silently, which made me more aloof to people. I never bother to explain myself since they already have their judgments towards me. There were times I starve myself because I am out of allowance, and don't meet the old man just to avoid unpleasant gossip. I told the old man and he consoles me not to listen to those gossips, it will not help me at all my boyfriend also told me that. I cannot find some part-time because my schedule is full and the old man does not want me to work but let me focus on my studies. I was really troubled because I am already affected by the issue and people are having weird looks at me and laugh, they are bullying me behind my back. Until I cannot take it anymore, I stopped studying I left the University and went to Manila. Every material thing that was provided by the old man, I give it back to him from the scooter, bike, laptops, camera, and cellphone. I also discover that the man stabbed me, he was consoling me not to listen to all the gossip but actually he was the one spreading that he was my sugar daddy. So I left him without his notice, I give back the things he gave me one by one so he will not notice it. I was really furious after knowing it, I trusted him only to find out he was luring me with material things and spread some gossips. I didn't ask him all of those, I just wanted to study but they all stained my reputation. This is the reason why I didn't finish my studies, I went to Manila to work. I wanted to continue my studies but I cannot afford it, if I will do some part-time and apply for scholarships I can make it but other expenses such as boarding and my meals, I cannot cover it anymore. I don't have any relatives to rely on, I have some cousins but they also have their lives cant trouble them.

An Addict Maniac sleeps with me- During my stay in Manila, I just rented a small room in a squatter area in Sta. Cruz in squatter the rooms are like a dump, all the materials are just light so the door of my room will be opened easily. Everyone can open it. One night I came home late after seeing my boyfriend, he was also in Manila for his utility to complete then proceed to his apprenticeship. He cannot offer help to me since he was also a fresh graduate at that time. So going back I came home late from MOA, upon reaching the boarding house I just sleep directly without changing my clothes, I wore long sleeves and pants at that time. As I was sleeping already someone is hugging me, I thought it was my cousin who lives next to my room. I thought she had a fight with her partner, she is like that whenever she had a fight with her partner she will sleep in my room. Until I realized it wasn't her, it was a man. He whispers to me "do not shout! I will not do anything to you just let me hug you!" I was afraid, I keep praying at that time. God never let anything happens, I don't know what happens but the man after hugging me for long left me, but leave some of his specimens on the bed (so gross) good thing I didn't wear my sleeping pajamas that time. After that incident, I changed my room but the man kept following me. So I went to another place, in Pasig.

Imagine all the trauma after all those happenings, imagine how inferior I was after experiencing all of it. Imagine all the effects, it could have ruined me, it could have to lead me to suicide but I didn't. I chose life over suicide.

I have so many tragic events encountered those are just highlights of my sufferings, if I were to write it all in detail I might complete a book lol. After all those sufferings, I didn't stay well. All the trauma are kept haunting me every night I had a nightmare, that many men chasing me to rape me, to stab me, and kill me. There are times I found myself crying out loud in the middle of the night, and sometimes laughing like a fool, nearly totally getting insane. I felt like I was cursed that I was punished for the mistake of my parents. I was a born again Christian at the age of 13 years old, that religious org. supported my study from grade school to 2nd-year high school since my mom does not support me to study. I just stopped going Church since I am nomadic living place here and there due to our situations. But I was thankful God never leaves my side, even I am on danger I always escape it. Even if I drunk myself to death, nobody harmed me. He gives me one person to lean on, it was my boyfriend who stayed with me despite that he cannot understand me anymore because of all the trauma I had been through. He has seen my worst state and just stays by my side to support me morally. Even my life really sucks, I never thought of committing suicide like cutting my wrist. It's not that I am afraid of blood it's just that, I still ask God why He allows all those things happen to me I still have respect that I don't have the right to take away my life. I am trying to put myself in danger just to die normally or by accident but it never really happens, it seems like if you after death it will run away from you unless you will use your own hands. Why I am sharing all this? I just want you to know that your hardship is not as severe as others for you to commit suicide, always think that you are still fortunate than other people. Always think that you are not the only person who has problems, everyone has their problems to face depending on the strength we have. How did I recover from all of it? I didn't do any counseling I just open myself to the person I can trust, release my anger and pain. Accept me, accept it little by little, only acceptance can help you get through with it. Pray, go to church, or go to a place where you can find peace. Read the Bible if you are Christian, and listen to Christian songs it will help you ease your emotions. Do not let your insecurities get through your head, it will not bring good to you but damage your way of thinking. Now, I can say I overcome all of it because I can not share these things before. If given chance I will continue and finish my studies soon just wish me luck.

Depression was just all in our minds, if we able to control it, it will never linger on us. Psychological matters are complicated to understand, we have to understand it little by little. If you are having a hard time to understand and overcome something you should seek some advice from the expert, so you will not lose yourself. Open up and find some peace, by those processes you will heal step by step.

P.S I hope you will not judge my mom, this story is not biased although she looks bad in here she regretted it all. We are now good, I already forgive her and she's doing her best to cope up. Although everything cannot be forgotten since it was part of my growth, I already broaden my mind and accept what was already done. Bygones are bygones now. I understand her, she doesn't have a deep understanding of her situation that made her do things without considerations like the way I do.

P.S2 if you are going through something you can talk to me, I am willing to listen to you without any judgment. Sometimes we just need someone who will listen to us without any judgment.