Hello Beautiful Souls and Strong Hearts of Read.Cash. I'm here again but this time with a heavy mind filled with confusion & chaos and with a wounded heart. Actually I'm little bit tired ,not depressed.
Let's get started without wasting your time__
What do you think our ability to remember is a blessing or a curse?
Some of us will say it's a blessing. For this blessing we have been able to preserve our most cherished moments in our memory.
On the other hand___ Some of us will say it is a curse, I'm one of those persons. Many times the beloved Memories of my past that happened to me want to hunt & kill me like a hungry wolf. Sometimes I save myself from that demon and sometimes he succeed to hunt me.
Let's reminisce my memories__
It's 2.45pm and I returned back home forever after spending 4 long and sad years in a hostel ( Actually in a cage).
I'm feeling better and healthy now, let's take a little evening nap , I told to myself. I did not knew that time that this nap will not give me peace rather it will refresh my wounds of past. I'm recalling and ruminating those memories which I made in four years.
My mother said a while ago that 'You are lucky that you made a lot friends and you have had so much there'.
"Really?? Then why can't I feel those joys and pleasures?" I asked my mother. She replied , 'I think you're tired and you need some rest , that's why.'
Let's forget about our conversation for once__ I can feel that everyone around me is moving forward & enjoying their lives. I am the only one who still stuck in the past. It seems I have no friends. It seems I have no passion. It seems I have no desire. It seems that I am never going to be anything. It seems living my life is too tiring. I feel I want to give up my life, but wait a second Dying is to scary and fearful to me too.
A couple of days later, my mom started to yelling and shouting at me for my lazyness, for my unproductive nature. I think she is totally unaware about my mental state. She do not know that her beloved daughter losing herself slowly. She do not know I'm tired. She do not know I want to do nothing. She do not know I want to sit under a tree and look at the wide sky. She do not know I want to feel the nature. She do not know I want to taste nature's healing medicine. She do not know that I want to rest in quite place all alone.
I'm observing myself that I'm crying from the bottom of my heart but not a single drop of tears is coming out from my lonely eyes why? Am I dying inside? I do not know anything.
Often I feel sorry for my parents, for my sister for having me as their daughter,for having me as her sister. I feel such a failure as their daughter. I feel such a failure as her elder sister. I feel such a burden for them.
At one point in my life, I used to wish and pray that if I could disappear from this world, form their life then it would be really better. It seemed that the whole world is covered with so darkness that I can't see anything even myself. I continually cried and cried every single night, still now. What should I do?
I can't deny that those memories were indeed too beautiful to describe in words but those memories were painful too for me. Sometimes I feel that I should not be happy because I'm shaking with fears , I feel like I will be pain again if I start to celebrate my happiness. The expectation of my family , the expectation of my society pierce me like a dagger. I can't say 'No' to them. I can't do these things. I can't fail too.
When I told my parents that I'm not feeling well ,I think I'm depressed. They laughed and said ,"You're too young to be depressed. You're too young to lose yourself."
I just want to tell them that Depression do not choose her lover by judging their age. It seems I'm living in a big bubble from which I can easily and clearly see the world but I can't enjoy, I can't touch anything. It seems I'm losing my interest in everything. It seems I can not keep the fire burning inside me after trying a lot, I think now I'm out of wood. I think this is how our life is going, one need to break her own heart to survive in this cruel world.
Now losing everything, I want to be as bright as a star as I used to be. I know it is not possible anymore, but I hope if I continue to bear these pains, these sorrows then I can be as bright and cheerful as before.
I feel that I'm becoming greedy because now I want to sleep peacefully just for once which will help me to heal my wounds like infallible medicine. I just want to be appreciated by my parents. I just want to be proud of me just for once. Sometimes I want to share my secrets with someone but every time I do it , I feel remorse.
After so many year , I asked myself again "Am I Happy?" The answer is fortunately 'Yess'. I'm happy and fully content with my life. I'm proud of myself too for surviving so many years.
I'm indebted to my soul, to my heart, to my mind and to my body for overcoming all obstacles, all fears.
My Dear Youth I know you have endured so much for this I'm sorry that I could not support you , I could not love you, I can't do nothing but regret.
I know there are many more thinng that happened to you, I can't express all those things anywhere. You're 20 years old now__. I'm glad that you're happy & healthy. I'm glad that you're now improving. I'm glad now you're progressing. I'm glad that you're now prospering. I'm glad that you're blooming. I'm glad that you always made me proud. What can I expect than this??
I want to tell you that ' I'm proud of you, you have gone through so many things worst and best but you never gave up easily, you never forgot to encourage myself by telling that ,"Strong Soul please live, please survive".'
Message :—. It is my an open letter to my strong youth. I have already told all of you in my previous article that I can't give shape to my thoughts, even now millions of words are crwaling in the floor of my mind, but I failed to bind them together. I hope someday I will be able to train them and use them wisely. But now I want to apologize to all of you, I hope you enjoyed it.
Thank you for Reading. Erum(30.10.2021//5.46pm) Lead picture source —https://pin.it/4fNrO7a
Good message