R U Happy? Try to Understand this.

What is the one question about yourself that you have the most difficulty answering?

I suddenly started thinking about tough questions I have encountered in my life, and it became harder for me to think of what would top in the list. So, my answer to this question, is the question itself. I can't find an answer to it. LOL, just kidding, @Bloghound .

I really found your question challenging and again, thought-provoking. I am sure we all have that one question we all still fail to answer to.

Having existed here for two decades, I have encountered lots of hard questions that left me pondering for years, well, until now. Aside from those brain-damaging math problems that I just gave up answering, there is one question about myself that I have been dying to answer confidently..

• Are you happy?

It's not really a hard question on the surface. I can say YES when I am happy, and NO, when I am not.

I remember this question being asked by a motivational speaker in a random Facebook video I watched years ago. I have done a great job in exams before watching the speech, so I was sure I answered "I am.." in my mind.

I grew quite surprised when the audience were quiet at the speaker's question. I mean, isn't it that everyday, there is supposedly at least one reason for us to be happy? I ditched the video still feeling confused until reality hit me, when a friend asked me the same question years later.

At the time, I was still in college, doing kinda well in studies, and this old friend randomly chatted me. We had a good time catching up with each other, asking how we are doing, what we are up to, and other things.

We came to a certain topic I will choose not to mention. It is a thing I used to do, but not now. Don't think it's a bad thing, though. Actually, it is something I should be proud of doing, but not now, because I have abandoned it quite a long time ago. And I honestly still feel guilty about it.

Back to the main topic, she asked me about this thing, and asked me, "Are you happy with what you do?"

I remember hesitating to reply because I was suddenly unsure of how I feel. I thought that I am just doing it because I have to, not because I am willing to. I felt miserable and lied to her a "Yes." before proceeding to end the conversation. I was left contemplating. I am doing the good thing. I am not hurting anybody, everyone's proud of me.

I can say I was good with what I did. I could smile and be cheerful, even somehow encouraging when I was doing this. But people did not know the stress I have been through the years of doing it. All the struggles I have always bottled up inside that grew into resentment to the people I am doing it with. I am sure I don't feel any good thing about it. So after gathering up an immense amount of courage, I did quit.

I did not tell them the reason, I always say "It's a personal reason", because I don't want to have them thinking they are the reason. I just got exhausted of the routine, feeling like I am always alone, and did all things on my own, not receiving any help when I needed it.

I am sorry, I know you don't have any idea what in the world I am talking about, because I kept it to myself. I am not one to judge nor make some sort of a diagnosis on myself, but I honestly think this whole years of experience gave me some really really mild trauma, if that's the right word to call it.

Mom once asked me, why I am not doing it right now. She said, and I am also aware that, everyone there were so eager of having me do that again. At that time, maybe my control just got out of the picture, and I broke down. For the first time in almost five years, I just whimpered and my heart hurt like hell. My words were only "I said I don't wanna do it anymore, why won't they just accept it?" In my heart I had lots of words. I am begging you, don't pressure me anymore.. I have taken a big decision, and that is so burdensome enough. Knowing I did something I am not proud of.. I know that. Please don't add to the miserable feeling anymore...

That moment, my mom chose to be silent and accepted my decision. I am thankful. So grateful she let me be.

I did that because after many years of suffering, I chose myself. Maybe selfish, yes, in their eyes (even to me), but all I had in mind was just to choose happiness even just once.

It has been years now that I still hear people encouraging me to come back, but I am firm with my No.

Yeah, I chose happiness. Good, end of story. You may say that. But now, I still ask myself, if I am already happy now with my decision.

No. I am not, and I feel that I will never be. It is so infuriating. I chose to leave because I was so drained emotionally, I feel like an empty shell, and I am not happy there. But when I did leave, I still did not experience much of that happiness because my guilt is haunting me. If you're in my shoes, you'll understand this miserable feeling. If I stay, I may continue to crumble. Leaving is not a good decision because in that field, I am supposed to endure, and I did not. So I am not absolutely happy. Deep inside I am uncomfortable, and.. did I say it already? Guilty.

I know everything may just have gotten harder to understand at this point because I did not reveal what is that exact thing I used to do. I apologize again, as I am still not proud about it, and the feeling of discomfort and a bit of disappointment in myself is still here, lurking inside my subconscious, even I try to ignore it. I hope you'd understand.

See? See my hardship? I can't answer thus question properly, nor confidently until now. Specially when I talk about this whole story I just laid out. I hope I would be comfortable enough to talk about it, but I still don't have the courage. Multiple apologies.

So this question, to me, maybe one of those really tough ones I had. Why? Because it is such an impactful question. If someone would ask me again, that person maybe more confused than being able to understand me.

Elle, what if at that time, you chose to endure and stay, will you be happy now?

Not really. I have always done it even it's not what I wanted to do, because of a bigger and better cause. I may do it and tell myself I did a good job of choosing the right path, and that would maybe make ma happy. But at the end of the day, I can't lie to myself. I can't just ignore what I do and focus on the outcome. I will always be pressured and filled with anxiety and those are not happy stuff.

What about now, that you chose to leave becuse you thought it's to choose yourself, are you happy?

Definitely not. Until now, I still see the people whom I used to do it with. They still do it, and seeing them continuing what I abandoned has always made me feel guilty. I feel that if I ever try to come back, I would appear funny, and all. All these overthinking, and self-sabotage that I do, whenever I see them and whenever I am reminded of that decision I bravely undertook, it always fill my mind, and bother my conscience. It is dang hard to explain. Just.. next question please?

Both answers in the opposite sides are No. I know you're like "what the heck?" Right now. I told you so. It is so hard for me to answer this question. Until now.

You maybe confused now, you're welcome.

Bloghound's question is indeed challenging, because the answer I had to give is another question, too.

If you somehow got a gist of what in the bunnyland I was talking about, then, wow, what a genius. If you are like the most who are just left with more questions than answers, then congratulations. You have gotten the point of my answer. To show that the question I presented is indeed one of the hardest questions to answer.

Now, let me ask you, in a deeper, more serious note. Right now, given the state of your life, what you currently do, the people around you. Even your profession, your health. In all this sense...

Are You Happy?

Thanks for coming here! It is a continuation of my Q&A series, about getting to know me more through my attempt to answer the questions my fellow writers asked me. This question by Bloghound, is one of them. Thank you! for that wonderful question! :) Until next time, beautiful earthlings.

❄️ Related Articles:

• Michelle Answers Difficult Questions from Her Fellow Writers

• More Than Just A Name Tag

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