Disclaimer: I wrote this piece last year (2019), around the last week of December. I was still childish about the idea of love and relationship, so everything I have said in this piece might not reflect my views about it now. I admit I am still "Marupok" as of the moment (Duh! Who isn't? Just Kidding), but I have learned a lot of lessons already, so I am sure I will be able to guard my heart more now. Oh and by the way, I don't have any idea who are these two guys I was referring to. Maybe, this story is just another fantasy that is made out of my imaginations. Haha!
Before this year ends, I also want this pain I am feeling to end. This is not to make these men feel regretful and accountable for the heartaches I am suffering right now. This is not for the people who have caused me pain, this is all for myself to entirely recover my wounds and broken pieces.
I had two heartbreaks and heartaches, but no, I never entered into a relationship. Two people came into my life and I was hopeful and optimistic that one of them would be my first and last. Sad to say, none of them is.
To the first man who tore my heart away, I just want to THANK YOU. Thank you, because I have felt the emotion I have always wanted to feel for the longest period of time. For the first time in my life, I have shared someone almost everything about me- my goals and my ambitions, the man of my dreams, my plans for myself and my family, what I like doing, and any random topic that comes to our minds. I can say that I have been who I honestly am during the period when we were still having communications. You have enlightened me to be open and vocal about how I feel, so I told you everything I wanted to say. For a short period of time, even if for you it was just a joke moment, but for me, I know what I felt for you was real and true. Days become weeks, and weeks become months, we were already in this so-called "Mutual Understanding" or MU stage.
But you crushed my heart when I discovered that you were also courting another woman because all I thought is that we had the same feelings. I was wrong all along. You did not love me or even like me in the first place of this relationship. It was all just in my imagination that our mid-night calls and conversations meant something to you because, for me, they became a part of my world. I tricked myself with the thought that you will keep all of the promises you made for me. What advantage do I have when the one you had to choose over me is your one great love and childhood crush?
Nonetheless, I am still thankful that I met someone like you and you became a part of my story. If not for you, I would not know that I still got tons of love to give to the right man that I will love for the rest of my life. I am thankful for this chapter where I met someone like you who prioritizes his family first and does not have any vices. The girl you chose over me is just so blessed because she already has the guy I prayed to God every night, every day. I am not holding any bitterness or grudges against both of you. To be honest, I am happy that the one I loved, loves the woman he truly wishes for and she loves him back. I could not be any happier if you will end up being together. Again, Thank you so much.
To the second person who broke my heart for the second time this year (2019), I'M SORRY. I'm sorry because I was never enough and good for you. And I am sorry because I will never ever be the girl of your dreams. I am sorry I will never be your Ex-girlfriend. I don't have the power to replace your ex, neither can I duplicate her.
I knew right from the start that you will just end up hurting me along this journey, but I still gave in. I wanted to try something new and exciting, and that is when I found you. You were the perfect opposite of the man I have been dreaming about. You drink liquor, you smoke, you party all night with your friends, and do all the things I hate about a man. However, I still accepted all of your flaws and imperfections, and I even broke my parents' rules, and even my own rules just to love you. I knew that if I let you get into my life, you would cause a lot of trouble, still, I let you in any way. That is how you manipulated my mind. You made me get out of the house without asking for my parents' permission just so I can be with you. I also have done the things I am not supposed to do just for you. You made me break my rules I have set again. You transformed me into a completely different human being. The decent and innocent person that I am, who only knows about school and home, went to other places just so she can be with you. Weeks and months passed by, I embraced all of your flaws and imperfections, and I loved you even more because of those. I thought if I do all of the things you love to do, they can make you love me too. But then again, I was and always wrong. And I just can't help it but call myself a fool for risking so much for a guy who doesn't even want to risk the same thing for me. I have loved you so much that I tried everything to be the right girl for you. Unfortunately, you weren't looking for the right one. You were just looking for someone like her, your ex.
So I am sorry because I am and will never be enough for you. No, I will never be the right girl for you. You did not ask me to love you, but I still did love you because I wanted to. And now, you are causing me too much pain without you knowing about it. It's all my fault nonetheless. But have no regrets about anything. Now, I learned that you are talking with your ex again. And I can see that you are happy with all of the posts going on around social media, especially on Facebook. My heart is aching to see you reacting with all of her photos, but I know, someday, my wounds will heal. Acceptance is the first step to move on, that is what they usually say. But how can a person move on when she is still in love with you? But again, what can I do? No matter how bad we want things to happen, if it is not meant to be, it will never be. So I am sorry, and I just wish you to have genuine happiness in this world full of misery and pain.
As I close this chapter of my story and commence to a new one, I can only pray to God to give me more strength and courage, and may I never be intimidated to love with all of my heart, because I know that I still have a lot of love to give. Finally, this chapter of being "Marupok" has come to an end. Goodbye!
Very interesting article dear.