I miss my Dad

I am writing this article because I felt really tired these past few days. Adulting has been draining my energy ever since I started working from home. But I have no choice but to continue because we are not rich and bills are not stopping they're always present and you have to be responsible for it.

Here's my dad. When he left, everything changes. I have to work double-time. I have to fill his responsibilities to this family. I always ask him to guide me and help me with the things that I'm currently facing because things are getting overwhelming.

It's been 2 years but the pain is still here. It's bittersweet. I love the idea that he's no longer in pain but I hate the fact that he's no longer with us and he can no longer celebrate with my achievements in life.

I'm still grieving but I have to be strong at the same time because I promised to take care of my mom. My dad loves my mom so much even if they always fight in simple things. I can't move on still and I don't tell my sibs about this cause I know it is hard on their part too. But whenever I told my mom everything about dad, that's the time where we start to realize that we still haven't moved on.

My father died after my sister's husband died in a motorcycle accident. It is the same year. Imagine how hard it is to grieve for two special people in your life. It is the most painful feeling that you can ever feel in your entire existence.

I'm glad that I am able to be on his side even in his last hours. It's been a long road when we started his medication. He still wants to live, he told me about his plans for our home renovations, he tries to exercise his arms. but we really have to admit that everyone will die. But it's just painful because I know that he's not yet ready to leave us.

He left a space in my heart. and no one can ever fill that. I am forever incomplete because of his departure. I felt like even if I achieved my greatest goal in life there's no sense at all. because he's not here anymore. I have to continue with life but I will be forever incomplete. This is the time where I realized I should've spent a lot of time working in a different place and just spend those years with them. I have so many regrets in life but the fact that I wasn't able to retire my dad from work gives me a whole lot of pain.

The previous years have been the most challenging year for us. When we finally overcome this I felt like I am the strongest person on earth. This is where I started to have depression. I think of quitting life. I told God to stop whatever He's doing into our life because I can't bear it anymore. Hospitals have been my 2nd home, I go there after my shift ( Yes, I still work because we don't have funds for food if I did not do it. I sister lost her job because she has to attend to my mom's needs while confined on the hospital ) We set aside the fact that we still have 2 sibs left at home because mom needs our attention.

It's tiring. but It helps me grow. It helps me realized a lot of things in life. I see the world differently because of the challenges that we faced. There are times that you want to quit but you have no choice but to continue. These are the days where I realized who's my real friends too. Even though I can't blame everyone because they also have their personal struggles but you can see who's always willing to help you in times where you felt like the whole world is falling apart.

I miss you, dad. Hope you're doing well. :)

keep safe everyone.

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