My first crush

• Lead image by me, other images from Unsplash

Siri, play me Euphoria by BTS

I'm confident about writing this because I know well that he won't get to see it but for Anonymity, I'm still going to name him Ace.

I don't quite agree with Romance novels at times but in terms of describing feelings of someone who liked another, I think they are fairly correct, I felt that way. I didn't know that was it then but I grew up to realize what I felt at the time.

This happened in the last year of Primary School, Primary six. My closest friend at the time was a Boy, I'll name him Brock. Brock was Ace's neighbor/ friend which made me and Ace sort of close.

Ace wasn't in our school but we were the same age. I think I was ten years old when this happened. I knew I liked talking to Ace, I looked forward to going to Brock's house for assignments. I thought Ace was cool at the time.

Anytime I saw him, I felt nervous, we had conversations but it always felt like a cat got my tongue. I did most things and said some things I said just to impress him. My heart did this double flip when he was near, I looked forward to the closing time of each day because I knew I would see him. I was extremely shy. I fidgeted at the thought of him, thinking about him then, made me smile.

Sometimes, I was speechless, sometimes I would hyperventilate when he was near.

Thinking about it now, it was crazy.

This went on for a while till my other close friend, Benita told me that Ace had asked her to be his girlfriend, it was like my little world came crashing down. I was furious, I had thought Ace liked me, different questions kept flowing through my mind.

Why her and not me?

What did she have that I didn't?

I was furious but I didn't play dirty. I advised her that if she really liked him, she should say yes. I'm proud of that, I have been a rational person right from childhood. She agreed and started dating him. We were all 10 years old then, the way it played out, one might think we were we're teenagers or something.

His parents had just come back from America, so he spoilt her with exotic chocolates and gifts, she would always show them to me. Going home from school, Brock and I would always wait for them at one corner while they talked because we went home together from school.

I was jealous but I could do nothing about it. I had home lessons after school and Benita always joined me in my house, I would always ask her about Ace, and thinking about it now, I think she knew I liked him.

So one fateful day, while discussing Ace, as usual, Benita told me that Ace wanted me to come to his house alone. I started fidgeting, I asked her what she thought that I should wear, I asked her if my jeans looked pretty and if my shirt was decent.

She didn't respond so I looked up at her and she asked me "You like Ace right?"

I was embarrassed, I denied it but we both knew I was lying, the awkwardness was saved by the timely arrival of our lesson teacher.

I don't know how or when the feelings evaporated, I think it was because I felt disgusted that I could have liked my close friend's boyfriend that much.

The last time I saw Ace was when I was twelve, the conversation we had was purely platonic.

When I think about Ace now, I laugh, it was one of the highlights of my primary school. This happened over 10 years ago, So I decided to share this beautiful moment.

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Fun fact: I played euphoria by BTS throughout the writing of this article.

Why Euphoria? It's a song about being in love. I must have felt like that at the time.

The first verse goes

You are the sunlight that rose again in my life
A reincarnation of my childhood dreams
I don't know what these emotions are
Am I still dreaming?
There is a green oasis in the desert
A priori deep inside of me
I'm so happy, I can't breathe
Everything's getting blurry

You can watch it here.

Thank you for reading

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