Unexpected Pleasure

My alarm went off at precisely four o-clock. An hour before daybreak. For a few seconds, I languished in my warm bed, sluggishly gathering my thoughts and trying to remember why the alarm was set so early. Then it clicked. Today was the day of my quarterly check-up.

I slid out of bed and dressed quickly. A plaid shirt, jeans, hiking boots and a well-insulated dark green anorak. It was late spring but still bitterly cold in the pre-dawn. On the way out to the car, I picked up my rucksack. I'd packed everything I needed the night before.

It was still dark when I arrived at the forest and parked up, but the moon gave just enough light to pick out the dirt track that meandered between the densely packed pine trees. I unfolded my large scale map and headed for the first of the many sites I'd marked with a red cross.

Halfway to the first site, a large 4x4 partly concealed under the trees at the side of the trail caught my attention and I stopped dead, listening intently. The faint thump of a spade being driven into the earth could be heard echoing in the silent forest. Approaching the vehicle cautiously, I could see it was a Toyota Land Cruiser and was relieved to see it had no Forestry Commission emblems, so it wasn't a ranger. It was a private vehicle.

Lead Image

Creeping through the trees soon brought me to the source of the noise. An overweight middle aged man was wielding a pick, breaking up the hard ground. As I watched he dropped the pick and used a shovel to remove earth from the hole he was digging. Then I noticed a rolled-up rug lying on the ground nearby... with two pale feet protruding from one end.

****

A few more steps brought me within earshot, close enough to hear his laboured breathing. He was so absorbed he hadn't heard the crunch of my boots on the dry pine needles that covered the forest floor. I was amazed at his lack of vigilance, especially as it was now getting light. I decided to introduce myself.

"It'll go much faster with two of us.'

He jumped like a startled rabbit and peered at me through thick spectacles. He didn't look like much of a murderer. In his fifties, I guessed, with an ineffective comb-over and a paunch the size of a basketball.

"Who the hell are you, he gasped, raising his pick as if he was about to attack me.

'Relax' I said, 'right now I'm your best friend.'

"Shrugging off my rucksack I took out the folding spade I always carried with me.

"You can tell me Jack," I told him, offering my hand.

"Brian," he said, shaking it warily. "Why would you want to help me?"

"Because we obviously have similar interest."

****

As we dug I explained to my new Pal Brian all about my hobby. How I had killed my own wife ten years before. It was much cheaper than a divorce and I got to keep the house. But the thrill of throttling someone to death had excited me more than I could ever have imagined. The moment she went limp made me feel like a God, with the power of life and death in my hands.

"Didn't you find that Brian?" I asked. "Didn't you get a huge kick when your wife checked out?"

"How do you know that's my wife?"

"Nice feet, painted toenails, I'm guessing she was quite a bit younger than you and was giving you a hard time. Forgive me for saying this Brian, but you look like you've let yourself go."

"That bitch was cheating on me, and threatening to tell anyone that I couldn't.... couldn't you know."

"It's okay, Brian" I consoled him, "murder is much better than sex."

****

We dug the hole nice and deep. It's because of the foxes, I explained If they get a whiff of carrion they'll dig it up. That's why I come and check all my burial sites every three months, to make sure they're all still undisturbed. Wouldn't want any bones to come to the surface.

"How many have you killed?" He asked.

"14 up to now," I told him. "They're all buried around here but, don't worry, this forest is enough for both of us."

"I'm never doing it again." He insisted. "I've no reason to."

"The thrill is the reason, Brian. You just wait a few weeks. You'll begin to crave that feeling of power again and you'll go out and find someone to snuff out, maybe a homeless person, or a working girl. Then you'll be hooked for life. Just like me."

"No... not me. Once is enough.

"That's a shame, Brian. I thought we might be able to co-operate. Digging a decent grave is a lot of work for one person."

******

"I think that'll do Brian," I said when I judged the hole was deep enough. I clambered out and helped him up.

"You're the expert," he shrugged. I wouldn't have thought it needed to be this deep."

"Oh, it does.... I can assure you of that."

We lifted the rug complete with the ex-wife and dropped it into the grave with a thud.

Brian immediately turned to retrieved his shovel But I stopped him with a hand on his doughy shoulder.

"Just one more thing to do before filling in," I said, pulling my garrotte from the pocket of my anorak and slipping it around his neck. "You have to dig extra deep when it's for two," I whispered in his ear as he struggled uselessly to breathe.

I felt the familiar exhilaration course through my veins as his body shuddered, then slowly collapsed to the ground like a deflated balloon.

"Thank you Brian," I said gratefully... and sighed with contentment. "That was an unexpected pleasure.

Author's Note :

If you saw someone burying a body in a forest, would you offer to help?