I stack the firewood With a sigh, wanting for it to all be over with. Now realizing my father is definitely classified as abusive, and still hiding my rape from everyone, I just feel so overwhelmed. I want it all to end. Something catches my eye, and I look over to see a kitchen knife lying on a stack of chopped wood, why it was there didn't know, but the glimmer of reflected light constricts my heart, my whole being desiring nothing more than for all this to end. Could I really just grab that white handle and end it all? Could it really be that easy? I want to know.
I've considered different ways to end it all. Stab myself in the chest, in the head, or just slit my throat? Should I hang myself from a noose? I mull over my options, but when the realization that I won't go to heaven if I kill myself sets in, I sigh. I also can't shake the memory of those two girls I know, the ones I may be able to help in some way.
Turning away, I decide that after all I've done, I don't deserve such a place anyways. I continue with my work solemnly.
She blamed herself for her rape and became suicidal as her PTSD manifested within her.
A few years later..
[The quoted speech was taken from a video and written word for word; it was broken up due to Sarah's crying]
I trek down the hill, my rubber boots clomping loudly upon the solid ground as I make my way to our chicken coop.
Suddenly, a loud beating of wings startles me as a crow takes flight not far from me.
My eyes widen and my heart picks up pace, but there is no noticeable hitch in my walk. I continue on to the chicken coop, thinking about how some people with PTSD have exxagerated responses to being startled.... But mine were only slight, though I was genuinely startled in my mind.
This train of thought leads me to remember what my brother did to me, and I frown as I enter the chicken coop.
I scatter the cracked corn and pour the water before standing in front of the window, overlooking my property and observing the grey sky.
My soul suddenly resembles those dark clouds as I consider my life.
I allow myself to feel the emotions that lie beneath the surface, begging for release. I don't want to cry inside my house, so I must vent out here, with no-one but the chickens to comfort me.
I go over my thoughts for a moment before pulling out my phone and setting it against the window. I pull up the camera and choose the video option before pressing play.
"... I just wish, that... I... had someone here... to, I don't know... Just to hug."
My words are spoken far apart due to my excessive crying, the words that should have taken a few seconds to say spanning out over a time of 29 seconds; even so, I save the video. This will be sent to my best online friend of five years, I know she will give me the comfort I need. She'll say the right things, but right now I'm alone and it doesn't matter what anyone says, nothing I do shall give me the flesh-and-blood hug I need right now. So I grab my items and return to the house, skipping the last of my homework to cry alone instead. Just like I always do..
Sarah was fine until that crow startled her, then she suddenly had a shift in behavior. All of a sudden, she was depressed and felt alone and trapped. She just wanted a hug, for someone to love her and tell her, "it will be okay, but it's not yet, so go ahead and cry."
She was grateful for her friend, but she just needed more than that. After all, she had endured five years of rape. PTSD affected this girl's life so much that she felt broken and hopeless. She felt alone and even wanted to take her own life.
When asked which symptoms she has possessed - both in the past and in the present, she said this:
"As a child, I couldn't control my thoughts. Disgusting images of what had happened would force themselves into my mind, and there was nothing I could do; I've had flashbacks too. It took me a while to understand what flashbacks were, but I finally came to the understanding that I had actually experienced them myself. It was... awful. Everytime I had intrusive thoughts or memories, or those flashbacks, I would just pray to God. That's all I could do. I felt so powerless and weak. I've also had a couple of nightmares about my rape- one was so vivid not even to this day, I believe it to have been something that actually occured.
"I used to avoid talking about what happened... I think because I was told to. My parent's didn't want anyone knowing about it, so I kept quiet. But when I turned 12 or so, I told someone online, a complete stranger, but... it helped. I remember feeling quite shaken- terrified even, but it just lifted my burden some. Sometimes I still react physically when I talk about it. My heart beats really fast, and my limbs shake. My breath comes fast and heavy, and I find myself on the brink of tears - of course, I often do when I delve into my memories. Funny how long all my memories seem to be bad ones, except for a select few.
"I still avoid the places where it happened, which admittedly is difficult because it happened everywhere... but I find it comforting that my bedroom is one of the very few places I wasn't victimized."
"When I was really young, like in kindergarten, I was very outgoing. I actually walked up to a girl on the first day of school and asked her to be my friend - introverted, shy kids aren't like that. But when I grew older and could comprehend what rape was and that it had happened to me, I became incredibly introverted - still am. I do blame my parents and my brother for what happened. There was a time when I forgave my brother, but when I realized he was an adult the last time it occured, I couldn't keep that forgiveness. Now I am waiting for the day to escape this place and all the people that have made my life hell.
Sometimes I feel like I have no future, like it's not worth it, and I become suicidal. The thing is, the one thing that always makes me hold on, is people. Specifically people that have been abused, in whichever way. I remind myself that there are others who have had it worse, and I remind myself that if only I can meet them in time and stop them from taking their own life - then I would have saved someone, and my pain- this hell, would be worth it.
"I have found that I can't remember specific parts of my trauma. I remember the place and some of the details, but I always seem to not recall what exactly happened during the actual rape, except a few times, which for some reason stick out more than the others.
"I don't trust easily and am honestly terrified of men. I am always on high alert when I'm in stores because there are men there. It hurts because I want to have a normal relationship one day... I'm scared of men.
I honestly can't have many close friendships or relationships of any sort. I always feel detached from people, like I'm the thirl wheel - but on a more psychological level. It's like everyone else is on the ground, and I'm floating around with no way to come down and actually talk to them.
"I used to love dresses, but now I hate them because they make me feel to uncomfortable. They remind me of how easily I can be taken advantage of, so I rarely ever wear them. I also used to love to run and play tag, but now I am way too self- conscious. I always think that someone is watching me pervertedly, so I just walk.
I'm paranoid too. I always feel as if someone is watching me, and of course I imagine a man to be watching me, which increases my terror.
"I have mood swings and can be quite irritable and a bit aggressive sometimes. The change comes so suddenly too. Sometimes I am overloaded with emotions and feel so many at once that I can't control or even process them. Other times, I literally cannot feel any emotion besides anger, and sometimes even that shuts off. One time my friend was seriously injured after having attempted suicide, but I didn't care. I wanted to, a small whisper from my heart begged for me to care, but I couldn't bring myself to- I couldn't even feel guilty. Of course, as soon as I was capable of emotion again I felt so bad and was very concerned for her, and I hated myself; I was so disgusted with myself that I hadn't cared! Being emotionally numb is one of the worst things I've ever experienced as a symptom, and it's way worse than being overwhelmed with emotions.
"I've also experienced disembodiment a few times. It's honestly so strange. Most people think disembodiment is like flying, but it's just like losing control of everything - everything a person shouldn't.
Let me explain. Usually my disembodiment is very short, lasting for only a couple of seconds, but it that short amount of time, it feels so long. My mind seems to slow to the pace of a sloth while my body run as fast as a cheetah. It's like someone else has taken control of my hands while I become detached from my body. I almost swear it feels like I actually become entirely detached from my body. I can feel the change. Once, it began to last longer than normal, and I felt so trapped. Panic set in, and I began to freak out a bit. I was terrified I'd become stuck or forever dislodge from my body. Luckily I did become reattached. I hope I never experience it again, nor anyone else".
"I have had and still do experience on many occasions, insomnia. I used to have to drink an entire two liter of water before going to bed, or I wouldn't fall asleep until 2 or 5a.m. and this is when I went to bed at 9p.m., mind you. Now I cannot fall asleep unless I am daydreaming. I've tried clearing my mind, but I can't. I'm seemingly incapable doing so. I have indulged in risky behaviors, such as walking on the 15 to 20 foot high rail of my deck when I was young enough for it to have killed me. I also can have random suicidal tendencies. Sometimes when I am riding in the car, I glance at the doorknob and consider opening my door and jumping out while we drive at speeds of 40mph".
"I have difficulty concentrating and am very easily distracted. I can get very angry sometimes, and even to this day I feel disgust and some guilt and shame towards myself for what my brother did to me.
When I was younger, I would draw pictures of what happened and sometimes repeated my interactions with my brother with a stuffed toy. For a few months I was addicted to the idea of sexual intercourse for a reason still unknown to me, but after that I faced a great hatred for everything related to sex; this phase lasted for three to four years.
So yes, I have and still do face most of the PTSD symptoms".
PTSD changed her life so much that she couldn't really enjoy herself. Keeping it all a secret really hurt her too, and though it may seem shocking, most people do not tell others about their PTSD or the trauma that has caused it. The reasons vary, some people are like Sarah and are unable to safely admit their condition, while others are too embarrassed or ashamed of themselves for possessing PTSD to tell others.
In this way, PTSD is very self-destructive, and the disease itself reduces the possibility of receiving greatly needed help.
But.....
PTSD is not curable, but it can be treated. Efforts can be made to reduce the affects of and sometimes even eliminate some symptoms. Living with PTSD can really be harmful to the one who has it, but it can be made more manageable by getting support. It's good for PTSD survivors to see a counselor on a regular basis, and also to have supportive friends and family that are always there to help. It's also advised to join a support group so survivors can share their stories and relish in the feel of freedom.
But not all families or friends are supportive, and not everyone can afford a counselor; so let's look at some more affordable treatments that one can easily attain.
A Diary: though this may seem 'girly' it really isn't. There's nothing girly about writing down your thoughts and emotions to help improve your mental state. Many say to write in a journal every single day, but Sarah finds it easier to only write when she is really sad or angry. She also writes when she is happy; it's good to look back on some happy memories. When and how to use a diary is up to the person using it- different methods work for different people.
Singing: it's nice to just sing your feelings away in a slow and sad tune- or a very loud, eardrum-shattering screech. You do you.
But singing does help improve emotion and helps to release stress and built -up tension. One can sing a song they know and love, or even better; they can sing their own song with lyrics that come from the heart.
It may also be helpful to listen to music, draw or read. Hobbies you like or would like to try out are a good way to calm down and reign in emotions.
RUNNING
Sometimes running sounds like a good idea to PTSD survivors - running away from the place where the illness was formed, but one should think very carefully when considering this. Running can be very dangerous depending on the situation, not just physically, but also psychologically. When running for the wrong reasons, it can actually worsen your PTSD - or simply change nothing about it. So, before you decide on wether or not you will be moving somewhere new.
Sarah says, "Many people shush a person when they cry, but I tell you now - Don't. Do not shush them. Do not tell them to stop crying or that they're just reacting to the moment. Tell them this; "It's gonna be okay, but because it isn't yet, go ahead and cry." Why do I recommend saying this? Because this is what I want to hear every time I'm having a bad day."
A WORD FROM SARAH
"Although I've seen some very rough times, I still love life. PTSD has dragged me down to the darkest corners of the earth, but I've pulled myself back up so many times. You can too. Remember that all pain matters, including yours - but there are people out there who have it worse. If you're willing Take up this mission: live to help others. You don't need to be rich or famous, just be kind and help when you can. If you can truly dedicate yourself to this cause and care for it on a deep level, you'll have something worth hanging onto next time you're questioning life."
TAKE NOTE:
Thank you for reading this article. I know it's quite lengthy, but I hope it helps you understand how PTSD affects people.
Remember that if you have PTSD, you're not a victim - you're a SURVIVOR.
PTSD is a traumatic mental illness that can deteriorate the quality of life to near nothingness, but it doesn't have to be that way. I know - I am a survivor of abuse and PTSD. It's probably a bit late for mention this, but since you've read this far, I am Sarah.
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