My Rock

It is hard to think that the person you love the most, also happens to be the person you hate the most. The way they talk, the way the move, the way they say your name. It's the subtle glances when you make a comment about the way they reacted. It's the constant need for validation and acceptance from the person you want it from the most, yet it never comes. These are the small things that make you both love them and hate them with every bone of your body. It is also hard to accept the fact that this person may be someone close to you. For example, your brother, your cousin or even your best friend. In this case, it is my mother.

It started when I was young. It was ingrained into me from the ripe old age of seven. My little sister, peyton, was born and my whole world changed. I knew I would do anything for that little girl. It was also at that time I remember my sister only 3 years older than me, babysitting me and letting me have Jell-O cake for breakfast. Looking back at it now, I only really remember seeing my sister and hanging out with my sister. I wish I would have realized what was happening sooner.

These events unfortunately continued until I was of age to watch my little sister. I got her up and ready for school. I made sure she ate her breakfast and was out of the door on time for school. Once my sister moved out, things only got worse. I cooked the meals, cleaned the house, and did everything else that needed one. Now, I know what you are thinking, "where are your parents?" Well, the answer is simple. They just weren't there. I have blocked out most of my childhood, but the one thing that has glued itself to my memory was the fact that my mom was always at work, and when she wasn't she locked herself in her room. I never really talked to my stepdad, and I only saw my dad every other weekend. It is so important for a young child to develop a relationship with their mother, but what happens if an absent mother isn't really absent?.

During my time in high school, I participated in academic choir and during my senior year, chamber choir. I had begged and begged for her to come to my concerts to see me doing what I love best. Her excuse was always, "I have to work" or "it depends on work" I remember one conversation I had with her that put it all into perspective for me.

"Hey mom, I would really appreciate it if you came to my concert next week."

"Can you just take the night off for me?" I pleaded her.

"I need to work to make money Maddy" she snarked back at me

"Can't you just take one night off to see me do what I love?" I begged with tears in my eyes.

"Maddy I need work" she had very obviously made up her mind already..

"So, what's more important, seeing your child perform and supporting them in what they love or going to work like always?" And while I said, supporting your child 'she said work'. That is what solidified it for me. I will never be important to my mom and she will never support me.

The eternal gratitude I have for my mother, when she was there at least, is unconditional. The things she gave me were the biggest blessings in my life, and yet they are not what you think. She gave me the idea of perseverance, the idea of hard work. The idea of spending time with my family. She made me who I am today. Now, she didn't actually give me any of these things. She exemplified the exact opposite of these things thus making her my greatest teacher. She taught me how to be the better version of both herself and I.

"How to Recover from an Emotionally Unavailable Mother", author Peg Streep writes, "Unlike a Controlling Mother or one high in narcissistic traits who deliberately puts her child in the position of being a satellite circling her planet, the emotionally unavailable mother does it unintentionally;.. Those who are subsumed by their yearning keep trying to get their mothers attention, sometimes turning to unhealthy substitutes to fill the hole in their hearts." It's hard to delve inside the mind of someone who has experienced these things without experiencing them for oneself. The feeling of wanting so badly to make someone proud of you while they won't give you the time of day. The yearning for validation you're doing something correctly. All of this done by emotionally absent parents who are doing so unknowingly. Once told what they are doing, they deny it and continue the tirade of borderline emotional abuse. This was the reality of my two sisters and I, luckily, my sister was able to escape the situation, but my little sister and I were stuck.

Survivors of emotionally distant parents tend to construct wall after wall to avoid the pain and suffering from their childhood again. My entire life has consisted of walls, barriers and the constant need to catapult myself over these roadblocks in order to better myself and my future. Time and time again I have had to prove to myself that I am not my mother and I will always try to be a good person. There is something so satisfying about being in a trance for years and then the veil is finally raised, and the truth is revealed. The overwhelming feeling of clarity and relief lifted from heavy shoulders. There is a bright side to everything and things do happen for a reason. People always say life is a roller coaster. It must go down before it comes back up.

Although it took me 18 years to realize what happen to me, the realization hit me like a truck. Having an emotionally distant mother is arguably more traumatic and harmful than having a completely absent mother. Throughout everyone's lives there will be people that come and go. Some of those people will be some of the biggest teachers and provide knowledge and lessons, but in the hardest and most impactful way possible. In the end, I am eternally grateful for my mother. She has taught me things I wouldn't have learned if she weren't there. She taught me to be patient, to communicate and to love my family unconditionally. She gave me the concept of love, which I eventually learned wad skewed and incorrect. She has literally given me the shirt from her back, only to rub it in my face. She would say, "I didn't have to buy this for you" you're right. You didn't have to. But you did it because your my mother. She calls me stingy with my money, but she doesn't realize she is the reason why. She spent her money before she even earned it. I don't want to be like her., and I wont be like her.

Some people pick and choose their battles. Other's battles are picked for them. I did not choose to fight and defend myself. I did not choose to become obsessed with my mother and how she would make me feel. I was put down this path to become stronger. I was put down this path to become successful. I was chosen to become more than my problems. Maya Angelou once said, "We may encounter defeats but we must not be defeated."life is a constant battle of hard times and lows that we must overcome. Everyone experiences the lowest of lows before being able to pick themselves back up to continue down their path. Adam Sandler got fired from Saturday Night Live. Ellen DeGeneres got fired from her own show named after her even Oprah Winfrey was told she was 'too emotional' for the job and got told to start packing. These moments may seem heart breaking. That's because they are. They may seem as though they are the biggest mountain and you're told to scale it in five minutes. These moments are nothing short than a bump in s road, a lesson, or a memory you can tell your great- grand children. Its okay to be struggling or sad or unsure or confused the past does not define you.

I have learned plenty of things in the last 19 years of my life. One of those things is to keep on keeping on. My mom and I have Always had a rocky relationship. She is still my best friend and I could never see me without her in my life. She has been my rock. She has kept me grounded. But she has also drug me under, weighing me down. I hate that I love my mother.

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