Find Me Somebody to Love

So. Before I got to bed this lyric come up in my head. Love. Acceptance. Is it not what we all strive for? Since I last posted here, so much has happened. I don't want to get into it. Well, I will share some main points.

Putin's army is not jet in the Baltic states. Not in the way it is in Ukraine at least. Misinformation & fake news, cyber-attacks, threats are all happening, but, I guess, our people are too smart for these games. I hope someday there will be fewer of Putin's supporters. But I think Europe is waking up and better days will come. What else one can do but hope, right?

Anyway. Love.

My insecurities are rising by the day. My thoughts are playing tricks on me. When somebody says hi to me, my thoughts go like "Well, yes, they did say hi to you but wasn't there like a weird tone to it?" or "I think they looked at you weirdly". And, no, these thoughts are not weird or bad on their part. My mind is crawling into every tiny little thing, trying to find proof of me being weird, odd, smelly, bad looking. And I think to myself daily - what did I do wrong? Did I say something rude? I tried not to, but did I? Did I have a weird look on my face when I said it? Because I tried to be all smiles. But I've been really tired lately and maybe my eyes were giving off weird vibes?

OMG! How do I make these thoughts stop? I. Cannot. Live. Like. This.

I need to go to therapy. I have to. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to ask all of my family and friends to comfort me saying how good, smart, beautiful, or funny I am. I know they are sick of me asking (well, maybe they're not but, you know, overthinking and putting my thoughts in their heads.

Anyway. Love.

I saw a video of Putin with other high-rank men, world leaders maybe, I don't know for sure. In this video there were multiple episodes of different times when someone ignored Putin's handshake or just passed him by, ignoring his existence while being all friendly with everyone else. And I felt sorry for him. Why? Because at any given moment I could say the worst word about him. Why did that make me feel sorry for him?

Maybe because we are all just human beings with different (or very bad, bad, bad) upcoming? I mean if he grew up somewhere else maybe he would be the nicest history teacher in the world (idk). Even in his weird *bad words* way with wanting to leave some major footprint in history with his being in this world. What is behind that? A need to prove himself to his ancestors? Had a bad breakup gone wrong? (I know little about the history, I am just imagining his life if he grew up somewhere else).

Enough about him. No love over there.

What I thought tonight, before going to bed, was how little one can control if one wants to feel good in this society. I bet some people don't care about others' opinions (and no, I do not mean this man mentioned previously), but like in a good way. I want to be able to not care (in a good way). Somebody suggested going to the psychiatrist to get some medicine, to be more chill. I did see this doctor but he said that I seem fine and I don't need no medicine. I felt so much better after seeing him because, when I said that I have these bad and weird thoughts that only an overthinker would understand, he said that me - having this discussion with him - shows that there is nothing wrong with me. He said that therapy could help. I agree. But omg. Thinking daily about "does he/she like me?", "am I good at this job?", "do I smell good?", "did they hear how my stomach rumbled?", "did they notice that I'm insecure?" Oh...

And I thought about other people I meet daily. They all, probably, shower and brush their teeth before coming in to work. They probably wash their clothes and think about what they will wear. Through the years everyone has created their persona. How they walk, talk, laugh. When I think about this, it makes me feel more at peace. And it makes me think about how cookie-cutter personas people have. Because, I don't know but you tell me, don't we all do these things to be better perceived in society? Don't we work longer than we should because in the end someone might notice our hard work ethic and praise us for that?

When you buy some piece of clothing for yourself, have there been times when you look at yourself and you feel sexy, you feel in love with yourself but you don't buy this piece. You choose a more basic, more socially and culturally acceptable, and more boring piece. Because your boyfriend/girlfriend said they don't like you in this color or your mother said you look like a potato bag wearing that. Or you were made fun of for whatever those people's insecure complex reasons were.

We love love. We want to be accepted.

I don't feel accepted because of my overthinking. My constant fear of being the odd one out. BUT. If you are out there and a shy, insecure girl checks you out, that's probably me - admiring whatever you are rocking. Saying to her boyfriend how amazing this girl's hair was at work. I am not perfect at accepting the world, but, as a silent and shy human being, I have learned to notice little, beautiful details in people around me.

Remember, me, clothing, and God's given beauty is not all there is to a human. Attitude, laughter, and energy are what people fall in love with the most I think.

Anyway. I see you. You are a beautiful human being. I know this because every one of us does make this world whole. And eventually, we will all find our place to shine. Maybe it doesn't have to be a place outside of you, right?

Sorry about the mistakes. I am going to bed now. Rock your lovely self. Do something good. I donated clothes to Ukrainian people in my country and it made me feel good. Be beautiful inside. Be the lover you always thought you deserve.

I don't know if this helps. I really am just someone going to bed.

Sleep tight,
BIGTB