@Ayane-chan 18 March 2023

Flipping the Switch Off —in the midst of my episodes.

03.16.23 Tapping my foot on the chair in front of me and biting my lips as I was holding my phone while staring blankly at it. Honestly, I don't know how exactly I should start my introduction in this post since it has been a while that I have been inactive in the platform. To either I should include a quote or a descriptive paragraph, yet I didn't even have a specific topic in mind to talk about but just random ramblings about the things that was taking up much of my time recently. I have the intention to write for a long time but keeps on putting it aside for I don't know what should I talk about. While waiting for another subject to start, I have though of randomly writing down anything that will come to mind as an exercise that I was doing before. ***Freewrite*** — *is the answer to a writer's block*. Isn't this our effective method previously until now? I guess, I didn't really just have more time to do that. I was mindlessly been consumed by this. It took me more time than I expected it to flow smoothly. Now, there was my Professor starting the class with a prayer and I had to divert my mind back into it. 03.18.23 I lost count on how many hours I have spent while lying on my bed just to pull myself together, gather all the motivation left in my soul to continue what I have started to write here. It has been a long day, though it wasn't actually. I think I had spent my entire week by just interacting with hundreds of people in just three hours of my morning. I collapsed on my bed as soon as I got home. No energy left even to have my lunch before taking a nap. I dozed off in an instant. Actually, it was fun and full of learnings. I get to know the students that I should be teaching on the next meeting as I assisted my co-Instructors with the assessment. ***Socializing*** *wasn't just for me*. I can try talking and discuss a few things in front of a lot of people but after a while, I easily get drained. The worst part about it, is that my emotions became unstable as I lost lots of energy. I get emotional and irritable. Initially, I'll feel numb in my chest, my breathing would be heavier, and next thing, tears would be streaming down my face as I couldn't hold them back anymore. I often have these ***episodes*** and not just when I'm drained but also when I'm stressed or when something triggers it and flipped that switch inside me. If I only know how to switch it off so I could stabilize it forever, I would have done that immediately and never turn it back on. Yet, in reality, emotions don't have a switch. We can't control and we could only let it flow. *Hey there!* *Thanks for being with me this time. Hope you're having a good day.*