Am I winning?

"Life is like the wheel. Sometimes you're at the top and sometimes you're at the bottom."

It is a famous Filipino proverb that we often hear from our elders. The truth of reality which we can't ever change. Yet, we can charge forward to battle with it until it spins over and over, making us encounter success when it rotates upward and failures when it rotates downward. That's life for sure, we just have to cope with it and move on every time. With that, sometimes we can say that life is unfair if it stays down for so long.

But honestly, I realized that it is not. Life is unfair to everyone and that's fair, isn't it?

But if you stayed at your downtimes for quite a while, for sure you could not realize it that way. Like what had happened to me a few years ago, I was also like that, and honestly, much worse than that. I have been drowning in depression caused by the pressure from around me, frustrations, disappointments, betrayals, and loneliness. I can't think of something positive anymore.

I was a pessimist and cynical about everything. I feel that no one can understand me. Then, it became worse when there was a time when there was no one who would be there for me. I have a lot of questions in my head. I ask for the purpose of being born into a chaotic world, my worth in people's eyes, and to the point that I even question God about why that was all happening to me. It was like the world was against me and like I don't deserve to have a good life or any happiness.

I rebelled and changed my faith back then. I remembered that I have already written about this in my previous article, "A Story of a Rebel's Lost And Found Faith", in which I have narrated my experiences when I am lost and how did I find my way to come back to Him. Speaking of a comeback, my mood swings today have urged me to share these pasts experiences and reflect on how much I have changed after that long-time battle with that crippling depression.

Am I really winning over it?

A part of me is saying Yes, while the other part of me says No. Perhaps, only when my mood swings have controlled me there I can say No sometimes but mostly, it's a yes.

Have a check.

My faith is restored? Yes.

My perspectives have changed? Yes.

Did I choose optimism? Yes.

Do I value myself now? Yes.

Do I care for other people now? Yes.

Any suicidal thoughts now? No.

Somehow I have managed to defeat one of my demons. Though sometimes it is inevitable not to be down in the dumps, at least I can handle it responsibly, unlike in the past. Mood swings, sudden flashbacks, and disappointments are just the ones left that trigger my demon to come out of its cage but it didn't take long for me to catch it back and placed it where it should belong to be.

Recently, it feels like I can be as normal as other people. Like I can finally fit in and have the same thoughts with them. I'm slowly learning how to socialize, have happy interactions, and slowly build strong connections with them. Though we may still differ in other perspectives, at least we know how to accept what they are and they can accept who I am. It just feels great to get away with that alienated attitude that I have back then.

Oh well, I'm winning. I can say that now.

While there is there and that, an attitude that is naturally born with us, as long as there is respect given to one another, I think depression could be avoided somehow. Since, if you remember well from my previous articles, I often mentioned there that one which causes my depression was the feeling of being "out of place" in every way and everything, which eventually lead to loneliness and anxiety, then it went all mixed up until my life gets messed up.

Not now anymore, though. I finally got mature to think more appropriately than before. Even if it triggers again, I already knew a lot of ways to handle it. Right now, I also know who to rely on in that matter, who is always God before anyone else.

Thanks for reading!

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